elbowgrease wrote:
Regardless of whether it's a matter of choice or not (and I don't think it's a matter of choice), I think that shame is too small a term to describe why someone may be in the closet. There are some serious repercussions a person or their loved ones might face being out.
--Trigger warning, discussion of physical violence--
Unfortunately, this is true. I was physically attacked for being gay. A memory that sometimes resurfaces in my mind.
I remember finding myself in a conversation with a gay man and he told me that it was easy for lesbians. This mildly annoyed me. In response, I replied something along the lines "Well gee, I didn't exactly feel loved when a guy spat at me and I was physically attacked by a group of guys. Or whenever I have to pretend to have a boyfriend because the man who is hitting on me doesn't believe in lesbians, and the only reason he respects enough to leave me alone is if he thinks another man is involved". At first I hadn't intended to come across so bitter. I'll admit that it struck a nerve.
Whilst the discrimination that gay men face differs from the prejudice that lesbians can face, this is not a good reason to dismiss their experiences.
I am almost entirely out of the closet these days. This can be scary sometimes since the more people that know, the less control you have over who finds out. I went to a club recently with a group of friends. Before we went in we came up with an action plan. My male friend would pretend to be my boyfriend if a creepy guy didn't want to leave me alone, and if I was getting unwanted advances from a woman then my female friend would pretend to be my girlfriend.
They even asked how much physical contact I was comfortable with and respected my wishes to not have my arms restricted (unless necessary) during hugs. Unfortunately, having my limbs restricted in such a way can trigger bad memories and cause me to panic unless I am quite emotionally close with the person doing so. Even then there's a chance and I'd really rather prefer you didn't. Particularly if I am approached from behind and someone tightly grabs the top of my arms without warning. I've had a few people do this to me before because they know it bothers me and they find it amusing to see me freak out. Some people try to convince me that it counts as exposure therapy, but by deliberately going against my wishes they actually just make it worse. I am gradually getting more comfortable with physical contact. These days I have learnt not to freak out as much but I still might tense up automatically.
I hate that it is a memory that still holds so much power over me even years later despite the fact I know that this is irrational. Every so often people ask me about my love life and my throat dries up. My shoulders tense and visual memories flood in. I find it difficult to even vocalise when this happens and I seemingly partly shut down. This doesn't happen every time. In fact, the vast majority of the time it doesn't and I can answer just fine. Yet it can happen without warning and I have to push through it because I refuse to let it hold me back. It occurs less than it used to, and I hope to get to a point where it doesn't happen at all.
Despite certain experiences I realise that I'm quite fortunate. I have an accepting family and group of friends. My country doesn't shun or punish me. I am allowed to live openly. However, there are challenges and it hasn't always been smooth sailing.
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26. Near the spectrum but not on it.
11 Feb 2018, 11:31 pm
