Joke Thread!

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Q: How many Aspies does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four. One to first take three months to read up on electrical engineering and the history of light bulbs to make sure they're fully prepared; one to actually change the light bulb; one to switch the light bulb back off because the light hurts his eyes; and one to quietly inform the others that the correct term is "incandescent lamp".

A little girl says to her mom, "I've got a stomach ache".
The mother tell her, "That's because your stomach is empty. You'd feel better if you had something in it."
Later that day the father comes home from a very busy day work and sighs, "I've got the world's worst headache."
His daughter pipes up, "That's because your head is empty. You'd feel better if you had something in it!"

'Doctor, have you got anything for water on the knee?'
'Certainly, here's a paper towel.'

How you get a bunch of aspies to go into a crowded noisy room and socialize with each other?

Hold a Star Trek convention.

Q: At what special occasion does a female aspie wear lots of makeup, a fancy dress, has her hair done up,
and doesn't mind being in a crowded, noisy room at all?

A: Her funeral.

...Man, I can be really dark sometimes!

What did one car say to the other car?

You look familiar. Haven't we bumped into each other before?

I have a story to tell you about a broken pencil.









































Oh, never mind. It's pointless.

Why didn't the skeleton to the party? Because he had nobody to go with!

^ I thought the answer to that joke was because the skeleton didn't have the guts. Or is that the reason why he didn't cross the road?

Speaking of which, why did the chicken *not* cross the road? Because it was chicken!

I thought the chicken crossing the road joke was a death joke

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Their human slaves do that task!

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-backswing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen! You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah... well... we were married for 35 years."

I hired a limousine the other day , it cost a fortune

Then when it came to the day for my cruise the company told me the price did not include a driver.

Sod's law , I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it

Ever since he was a child, the Aspie has always had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him of his problems.

"Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared! I think I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," the Aspie said.

Six months later the Psychiatrist met the Aspie on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10 in one night. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude the psychiatrist said, "And how, may I ask, did a simple-minded bartender cure you in only one night?"

"He told me to buy a saw and cut the legs off the bed -- ain't nobody under there now!"

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them was a salted.