Anyone got any good, funny jokes?

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^That was pretty funny and it did translate well into English.

They're doing a new show: Celebrity Corpse, where you dig up someone after five years and try to guess who they were. - Paul Merton

Ahh! if politically uncorrect and adult jokes are allowed, (hard to get a joke otherwise).
Mick says to Paddy,

"did you here that that actress who played p**** Galore in Goldfinger has split her fanny?"

"Honor Blackman?" relies Paddy

"No" says Mick, "on a 10 inch vibrator"

A priest, a rabbi, and a televangelist all walk into a bar...

The priest tells the rabbi and the televangelist "I draw a circle around myself and throw all of the collection money up into the air, whatever falls in the circle I keep, whatever falls out of the circle is God's." The rabbi lights up and says "I do something very similar, I draw a circle around myselfand throw all of the money into the air, but the difference is what falls into the circle is God's and what falls out of the circle I keep." The televangelist then says "Wow guys! I also do something similar, I draw a circle around myself, then I take all of the money that people send me and I throw it up into the air, and whatever God catches, he can keep."

There was a fad, a long while back, for sigs that followed a "There are two things..." pattern. Two of my favourites were:

A priest is praying in his church when somebody bangs on the door. "Father! You have to come with us - there's a flood coming!" he says.

"Don't worry, my son - God will protect me," the priest replies. The man shrugs and then runs off.

Later, as the floodwaters are beginning to lap at the edges of the church, a man in a jeep drives up and says "Father, the flood is on its way - please come with me!"

"Don't worry, my son - God will protect me," the priest says again.

When the floodwaters have flooded the entire ground floor, the priest retreats to the first floor of the church. Out of a window he can see a hot air balloon as it drifts down to the level of one of the windows. "Father, you must come with us!" says one of the men in the balloon. "The flood will only get worse!"

"Don't worry, my son," the priest replies. "I'm sure God will protect me."

Later, when the floodwaters have got so high that the priest is forced to sit on the roof of the church, he sees a helicopter hovering overhead. It drops a rope ladder and the pilot yells "Father, please, you have to leave right now!"

"No, no," the priest says firmly. "God will protect me."

But the priest can only keep his head above water for so long, and he drowns. When he goes up to Heaven, he finds himself face to face with God. "Lord, why didn't you save me?" he asks. "Was I not worthy?"

God looks at him in disbelief. "I sent you a jeep. I sent you a hot-air balloon. I sent you a helicopter. What more do you want?!"

An elderly lady sat on the porch on her rocking chair, reflecting on her life. She had accomplished a lot in life, saving a great deal of money in her long career as a librarian. However, she had never married. Her closest friend was her Siamese cat, Prince. One day, she was granted three wishes.

"I want to be a princess, and live in a palace." Done!

"I wish I was young and beautiful again." Done!

"I wish my cat Prince was a real Prince." Done!

The lady was rich and beautiful beyond her wildest dreams. Her formerly feline "Prince" turned to the lady and said, "Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"

What kind of key cannot unlock a door?

O.K. this is my favorite lawyer joke.


What's the difference between a duck and a lawyer?

You can't tell a duck to shove it's bill up it's as-.


What's the difference betrween a porcipine and a corvette?
A porcipine has the pricks on the outside.

Francis the television weather presenter had to appear in court on a charge of shoplifting a bottle of suntan lotion and some sanitary towels.

He stated in his defence that he was expecting sunny periods.

Trig: a B flat.

Here's some.

What have American beer and making love in a canoe both got in common?

They are f*cking close to water.

These two South African policeman were out by the river one day when they spotted a black-fella being eaten by a crocodile. One of 'em said 'Jeez these f*cking kaffirs are getting above themselves. I just saw one with a Lacoste sleeping bag.'

Later those same two policeman were approaching the city, when they both saw a black-fella with 2 burning tyres thrown over him. One said to the other 'That's f*cking dangerous; he's got a cross-ply and a radial mix.'

Three men are crawling through the desert, dying of thirst. Then, to their surprise they see a pool with a waterslide in the distance. They think it's a mirage, but when they come up to it, it's quite real. There is a sign. It says that it's a magical slide and if you yell out the name of your favorite beverage as you go down the slide the pool will be filled with it at the bottom. So, the first tries it out first and as he slides down he yells out "BEER!", and he splashes into a pool filled with beer. After he's had his fun drinking and cooling off the second man goes down the slide and yell out "LEMONADE!", and he lands in a pool full of lemonade. When he's finally cooled off and refreshed the last man goes, but as he slides down he finds the ride so much fun that he yells out "WEEEEEEEE!!"

A woman, who for reasons unknown is stark naked, jumps into a cab and gives the driver her address. The cabbie just sits there looking at her and making no attempt to drive. "What are you staring at, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" She asks. "I'm not staring at you." He tells her. "Then what are you doing?" The woman asks. The cabbie replies, "I'm wondering where you're keeping the money you need to pay me."