Intellectual jokes

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hehehe i should go to a TA meeting, i think i have a problem.

Then let me introduce you to the whore of Mensa.

http://woodyallenitalia.tripod.com/short-uk.html

Purloined from google:

Four professors (An engineer, a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician)
are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out
of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with
alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

"Brute force is the answer" says the engineer. "If we hit it enough we can
put it out".

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials
until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the
fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of
oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

While they debate what course to take, they are alarmed to see the
statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both
scream, "What are you doing?"

To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."

this one is really immature but i like it:

a man walked in to a pub and was suprised to see vincent van gogh sitting at the bar. the man decided to introduce himself so he walked over to van gogh and said "hi... you're my favourite artist of all time- may i buy you a drink?"
"no thanks," replied van gogh "i've got one 'ere."

Please don't hate me for this one, it is pretty far from intellectual. I just always feel a need to tell it. Nobody thinks it is funny save I:

How do you kill a blue elephant? You shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant? You hold it's trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

Don't know about intellectual, but some really really bad computer jokes (I didn't make these up, though I wish I did):

The early versions of TeX had this classic, which I believe the people at
Stanford even had printed on T-shirts:

You can't do that in horizontal mode.

This is probably just another Urban Legend, but ...

A large company had just gotten their first Macintosh. As Macs do, it
had a system crash, and popped up a window with a picture (uhh, excuse
me, icon of a bomb on it.

Management ordered the building evacuated. And called the police ...

I just got this error message while trying to spell-check a document:

"It seem you are trying to check the output from a word-processor. Not
only does this not make sense, but you would probably damage the file
if you tried so I am not going to let you do this!"

Well, what if I wanted to damage it!! !

One amusing error message that I've seen is produced when you try to
restart the 'nnmaster' news program with the -k option. This should kill
the existing nnmaster so you can restart a new one- But if things go
wrong, you get the message "The running master will not die..."! !

Occasionally our ultrix system will forget who you are and if you want
to "talk" to another user, the talk daemon will come back with

Go away. You don't exist.

And I knew some guys that were writing some SW to be used by local
clerical staff, and they got to a this should never happen, but we should
put in a message. Someone said the only person that could ever get into
this deep a mess is Linda, so they put a message that said
"Hi Linda! We wondered how long it would take, for you to mess up this bad."
Well sure enough, six months later,
Linda comes storming in mad as a wet hen, having discovered
that error message.

Me too. *looks around nervously* I do spend a lot of time in the library.

But not thinking! That's preposterous! How can you not think? And what is so wrong with choosing books over people? And what, for that matter, is the meaning of life?

That was brilliant! Sometime ago I would have wanted such a service, then I found a nice aspie girl to massage my organ (and by organ I mean my brain).

Then let me introduce you to the whore of Mensa.

http://woodyallenitalia.tripod.com/short-uk.html

HOW HOT IS IT IN HELL?

-(A True Story from a Yale professor)

A thermodynamics professor gave his graduate students an exam with one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed)or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since most people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people will end up in Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Second, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

#2 of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Theresa Banyan during my freshman year that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded with her, then #2 cannot be true, therefore Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

*playfully nitpicking* i.e. don't take this seriously.

The proof has a flaw.

A) Just because she hasn't slept with him yet doesn't me she wont.

B) She didn't say how long AFTER a cold night (or nights) before she'd sleep with him.

Therefore, it is possible that a) hell has been cold for a very long time and b) after an infinite amount of time has passed since hell became cold, she'll sleep with him.

Thus, that hell is curently endothermic right now can not be dismissed as a possibility.

It is quite clear that hell could very well freeze over. All because a girl made a promise to a boy in his freshman year.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?". The first one replies "I'm positive."

I know it's kind of stupid, but it's a good chemistry joke.

President Bush, I need some advice regarding God's Laws and how best to follow them

Dear President Bush:

11/26/04 "ICH" -- Congratulations on your election victory and for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. As you said, "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18.22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. However, I do need some advice from you regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how best to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25.44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not to Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21.7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Leviticus15.19-24). The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord. (Leviticus 1.9) The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35.2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus11.10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abomination?

7. Leviticus.21.20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus19.27. How should they die?

9. I know from Leviticus 11.6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean. May I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19.19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Leviticus 24.10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, as we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Leviticus 20.14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Yours truly, An Inquiring Supporter

P.S. I look forward to your answers because there are a number of other issues that I'd like to get settled as soon as you've enlightened me on these ... Thanks again.