What's on your mind right now?

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^Kitty hugs from me and Boo.

wow, looks as tho i still have a knack for being the last poster in a page.

Took the bus all the way across the bay to take the next bus. To go to the suicide hotline volunteer job interview

Curious about what questions they ask

Especially because I am AS, wonder if this is a bad job for me

However, the solar system does not contain many jobs that I qualify for in terms of skill, that match my warped weirdo personality. Demeanor

And I ain't got many job skills either

Nor do I have a large job network

Almost all the jobs in the world fall into at least one category:

I do not have the job skills in the description. Ex. Structural Engineering

I am too socially awkward for. Ex bartender

I am too emotionally fragile for. Ex police officers

The job has too much noise. Ie. Welding. Coffee shop

Claustrophobia.

Angry customers and boss and co-worker

Seriously paranoid about ending up homeless



But whatever

It is just a volunteer job.

lulz



So what if it did happen, if you can keep your s**t together you can get a place normally pretty quick unless your just f****d in which case your just f****d and their wasn't much you could do about it.

Just finished the job interview. Suicide hotline volunteer.

It was not theatrical or interesting

But glad I went

Do something new

Looked online for interview questions

Some other volunteers said they got asked much more personal questions

On the bus back to my jail cell

Insaneinthemembrane.bat.ty


Guessing games suck.





That's a horrible feeling. How did you come to believe that you can't make a difference? Oh, and BTW, what do you do for fun?

DataB4

Numerous times in the past, I worked as a workaholic and failed

Structural Engineering

Started Gender Therapy in 2004 homophobic San Diego

Social interactions



What I do for fun

Nothing particular

Community college classes

Long walks

Internet

Read books



For four years and ten months, I have gone to as many different bathrooms as possible to take a bowel movement.

The most was six in one week

The fewest was one a week

Exception when I took one week off



The bathroom is a back roads

Sometimes someone tells me the bathroom is for customer only

Sometimes though they ignore me

Anyways yeah

It's getting to the point where it is hard to find a bathroom that I have not yet gone to

Without traveling too far away

Anyways it gives me an excuse to go inside a building when I do not work there and I was not a customer



Plenty of precious lil "people" acted totally disgusted when I told them about that hobby

But they were too judgmental

And the hobby has nothing to do with them

And the hobby is a biological function



Anyway yeah

So many precious lil "people" acted totally disgusted when I told them about the hobby, that I hardly ever tell anyone about it anymore

Those judgmental precious lil "people" acted like they were perfect and that they had a moral right to veto anything that I did or said just because"people don't like it"



On the other hand though, for about the past ten years, I have had very few voluntary social interactions



The fear of social rejection way too strong

Way too strong



Rejection still stings.

Ten years later, five hundred miles away

When I was twelve years old I wrongly accused someone of stealing something.


At the bus stop at least four Junior high school rodents punished me by physically assaulting me.

And I am 34 and think about it intensely every day



But plenty of precious lil "people" had the nerve to wrongfully accuse me of stealing or "lying".

Not only did they not get attended to by a stampede of junior high school rodents, but



Not. A. Single. One. Of. Them. Got. . any. Sort. Of. Punishment.








Whatsoever.

"Does that make sense?"



Answer: no it don't make no sense. But "life" sometimes does not make sense












"Life" ain't fair







But "life" goes on


And

On


And

On


And

On



Until it stops



Game over



"You don't get a second chance

Life is no Nintendo game"

the past week has made me question everything i stand for

i don't stand for anything.


what a relief

Oh I bet that is lulz

That probably is a s**t ton of lulz

I find interesting people institutionalized, sometimes all you need to get through immensely hard things is just someone who has been there before to relate to. I prefer not to have abusive room mates.

Some Game Over screens are awesome

A vacation to my parents house might be in order when I am much much much more sane but its gonna be a good min I think before that fully happens.

I am a banana in a jar of pickles right now

Yeah I am thinking Dark Souls actually,

Hard things help my depression actually but only what I can handle.

I can handle being places I don't want to be if its not that bad.

I can handle peanut butter and jelly real well, goes down easy, its like its not there.

But I don't handle violence so well, that is a panic attack, I don't know what to do and shutdown.

Would rather skip anything overly perverse,

Would rather just be me actually to be honest.

But Dark Souls got better and better but I never won it but I never really tired, I would rather never see what kind of monsters lay at the top. I am good with just being me.

feel ashamed and guilty for not joining the military

Entry Level Separation
failure to adapt
dishonorable discharge
bad conduct discharge
other than honorable discharge

uniform inspections
Trump trans military ban

enlistment papers

because then thing is, so what, at age 34. now, i got plenty of MEPS disqualifiers.

when i was 18 i had zero MEPS disqualifiers.

instead of going to UCSD for six years and wasting over 100,000 bucks of my precious lil "parents' " $$, i could've gone directly to the army, navy, air force, coast guard, marines.

and earned E1 salary. seriously.

back then the policy was Don't Ask Don't Tell. when i graduated high school it was 2001.

and not til 2016 did Obama lift the military ban on transgender

but whatever

anyways i could've just stayed in the closet

big deal

and besides, if i was with the cisgender females, who would've suspected i was trans?

boot camp

basic training

advanced individual training

recycled

fleet

the thing is in the military, they get room and board. and medical care.

honorably discharged veterans get medical insurance for life. something like that. whatever. who cares?

honorably discharged veterans get the GI bill. a lot of $$ for tuition.

not all veterans get the honorable discharge

if someone caught me "lying" at MEPS, i could've gotten sent to the brig for 2 years

but hey whatever

Fort Leavenworth

taxpayers pay for jails and inmates' room and board.

so whatever.

anyways yeah

Meals read to eat

the Crucible






Personnel and Administration

Intelligence

Infantry

Engineer, Construction

Linguist

Food Service

Traffic Management

Financial Management

Combat Camera

Music

Meterology

Chemical, Biological

should've done ROTC in college. officer trainining school

but the Captain had the nerve to tell me that i showed that i was "undisciplined" by taking six years to graduate college. and that ROTC does not take "undisciplined" students.

but you can't measure discipline.

each person is sometimes more and sometimes less disciplined. someone could be disciplined in some ways and undisciplined in others. big deal.

the Captain was so judgmental

but whatever, he did not do anything illegal

and even if he did, then what. either take a videotape and tattle to 911. or civil lawsuit.

having a big ego is not a felony.



oh well whatever.

because the thing is though, the state where i live is an "at will" employer

Drop on Request

Quantico, Virginia

Lackland, Texas

liberty

and plenty of former precious lil "people". boss. supervisor. had the nerve to fire my worthless corpse.

one of them told me i was "learning too slowly." and that you are working with peoples money and you can't make mistakes.

it's like wtf?

like nobody in the world has ever made "mistakes" at work?

a psychologist double booked an appointment.

a flight attendant purposely struck me with a tray

big deal

neither one of them got fired, laid off. nothing happened to them.

no punishment whatsoever

demotion

the thing is that, in the military, the military can't just fire a recruit

the commanding officer has to fill out a lot of forms

red tape

some articles claim that, even in enlisted Boot Camp, when a recruit refuses to train, the drill instructor still tries a lot of techniques to get the recruit to change his mind

and even then the recruit has to get outprocessed. some articles claim that once a recruit quits, he has to do the menial work of the platoon. while the rest of the platoon continues training. and. then it said that. the fastest way off Paris Island is to graduate Boot Camp. the recruits that quit have to wait for all the paperwork to go through.

but whatever

so maybe if i were to have joined the military at age 18 i would've gotten at least four years of work experience

and

then

and. then a Dishonorable Discharge.

seriously though i feel so ashamed that i am just a scuzzy civilian. like i am not justified in existing.

plenty of panhandlers verbally claim that they are veterans

plenty of those pandhandlers look pretty old. as in, unless they were career military, their enlistment ended a long time ago.

a. long. time. ago.

and they are still milking the "veteran" thing for as much as it gets.

as far as it gets

on the other hand a disproportionate number of veterans end up homeless, unemployed, mentally ill, PTSD.

so whatever

but the thing is though. maybe as usual i was just a coward for not enlisting. joining up. because i was afraid of getting exterminated

Prisoner of War

have to register to return to school soon, and cannot process the reality of staying here long enough to finish. starting to feel ill about it. don’t completely dislike california, but the only places that feel alive are in the northern half... so many years down here sounds like nightmare fuel.

don’t care for the higher education system’s structure either. spend nearly a decade in school while not even knowing if it’ll be possible to make it in the field. sounds swell, in a dread inducing sort of way.

oh well maybe if

when i was 18, and i went to MEPS, the doctors would've disqualified me for a different condition.

after all, small details such as nut allergies, flat feet, and colorblindness get some applicants disqualified.

and maybe i would've gotten injured in Basic Training or Boot Camp. get recycled. or entry level separation.

maybe they wouldn't've given me my MOS. instead they would've made me a Army Cook. work seven days a week. four am til nine 9pm. standing up. hot, crowded.

maybe the drill sergeant or commanding officer would've bullied me.

some articles claim the military makes it easy to bully someone

authority

anyways

yeah

and anyways even at age 34 i do not know how to iron a shirt

but in the military, for uniform inspections you have to iron your uniform. in the way they want it. and they are control freaks about thing that do not matter.

and then you have to make your bed. in the way they want. and stand at attention. and get yelled at. chewed out. for every slightest thing

quarterdecked

when drill instructors do something physically abusive to the recruits, the recruits are reluctant to tattle. who will believe them?

get smoked

forced to drink water

denied bathroom breaks

some articles claim a lot of recruits urinate on themselves because not enough time to visit the head

and some articles claim a lot of junior enlisted military have to waste a lot of time cleaning things.

so whatever.

it just sounds so cool though.

wish i could correctly tell someone that i am a veteran

plenty of panhandlers write that they are homeless veterans. if there's one thing they write, that's it.

united states coast guard academy

West Point

united states naval academy

united states air force academy

virginia military institute

The Citadel