What's on your mind right now?

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Bought $80 worth of paint to paint a 12 inch square clock.
My judgement may be a little impaired.

I forgot what a good sensory thing bubble gum is for me. It's a shame it exacerbates my jaw trouble so I can't indulge in it very often.

Something just went exactly the way I wanted it to go, and yet, I'm all ... I don't know - ambivalent? Conflicted? about it. It seems like even when what I want to happen happens, I can't be happy about it or content with the outcome, even though it's what I wanted. I'm all weird about it, all awkward and uncertain on it. Grr.

I thought fats domino died years ago.
Oops.

Couldn't sleep so I got up to do homework and ended up here.

I am so depressed and scared. Anxious all the time now. This just hasn't been a good year for me at all. Nothing good is happening. I'm just barely making it from one day to the next. It's like when you go to sleep and wake up - reality is worse than any nightmare could be.

Anyway, I got an email yesterday from "P" - the woman that got the guy off the HOA Board because he wasn't a homeowner. Evidently, she has been a paralegal for about 30 years and wanted to talk to me about what is happening with the petitions about me and Mary. She was able to point out things in them that I didn't even take notice to - the petition of mine is actually saying that I was doing things with the HOA's money. Mary's petition is even worse labeling her as a "stalker" which I knew was bad, but some people are trying to downplay it. "P" said again that "stalking" is a criminal offense and Mary just is refusing to take it for what it is. The thing is, the things that are being said about me on my petition - doing things with the HOA's money, verbal abuse of homeowners and Board members - I can't just let that go because that could come back on me at some point being that I am a nurse. The nursing Board has specific rules or standards that one is to follow because you represent nursing and you are expected to act a certain way in public. I have to try to clear this from my name. The management company is just sending these petitions out to anyone making it even more public. "P" said that everyone who signed that petition should be sued because by them signing the petition, they are saying that they have proof that I have done all of those things - the "verbal abuse on emails" they could not possibly know about because all HOA emails are private so someone on the Board had to circulate the emails (if these people do have proof) and that is illegal and against HOA bylaws. Like "P" also said, the people who signed the petition would also have had to go the HOA meetings to know the information that is in the petition and "P" said that at least 5 of the people on the list have never attended any meetings. Now, I am being completely shunned by the management company which is also illegal per my attorney. I know I have to do something. It is bad around here now to where I don't even want to leave my condo - I had Mary go out with me to get my mail. I can't imagine how it is going to be around here if I sue the 23 people who signed those petitions. "P" said to focus on the people who didn't sign the petitions - there are people out there who are on our side. "P" said she would even volunteer her services to our attorney to lower the cost for us and also give us money for court costs if needed and we could pay her back if we win. I don't want to take someone else's money. I found out that the HOA would not reimburse us our court costs because this is a personal lawsuit. "P" said it could take several thousand dollars from each of us and I don't think Mary wants to do that, but her petition is worse than mine with the criminal allegation. "P" said that these petitions are public records. How can someone just be able to say these things about me and it costs them nothing and me thousands of dollars just to clear my name?! "P" did say also that if these 23 people were sued, they would have to pay out also because they would need to get their own lawyer. I didn't even do anything! I just want to cry.

I just gave "JacK" his lobotomy today. I haven't carved out his face yet, but I did save the pumpkin seeds for roasting later.

Tonight is the Halloween dance, so I've been getting cleaned up and ready to go. But I'm a little nervous, too. The party starts at 6 , but I might wait until after it's darker out before I take the cab down because I'll be in costume.

I'm conflicted whether to keep going out of some kind of, idk, spite?? at the doctors who messed me up more than I needed to be messed up, or just give up now and get it over with?
The end result will be the same.

What are the odds that I might actually win something? Oh well. I'm glad to have submitted it anyway.

There is no inherent purpose, but that conflict is a spark.

Doctors are putting pressure on for more radiation.
Because things aren't freaky enough now.
Lose the hair out of half your head, you'll thank us for it.
You'll still die horribly, of course.
You're welcome.

I don't even know why I'm still here.
Or here.
Autism is the least of my problems.
Would love to have just autism.
Perspective sucks, as always.

f**k more radiation.
Up to you of course. Very up to you.
Quality of life puts surviving into perspective.
Of course you know all this.
f**k.

edit: oh we both said perspective and now I want to edit mine out. not copying you I swear.