Post a random truth (about yourself)

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I used to think the Testcard girl was my sister

Today was flipping nuts when I'm looking back at it now
I'm like functioning like I've not got an absolute care in the world but I had this great big massive thing going on in my head
And I'm like listening to people and talking to people and...
Well to be honest it all looks like a lot of colour and noise now
Heck it was like a really bad tucking frip

Oh...the lesser Frip...Does Tucking even play play guitar?

Do you want a sweet

This is probably quite common but I like the smell of gasoline/petrol

lately i walked by a group of teens when one unexpectedly said 'good day'
i wasn't even paying attention, normally a group of teens isn't a comfortable pass
o-well

A good portion of my existence is essentially unwillfully raw dogging many mundane stuff.


Like; nothing wakes me in mornings. Until like, maybe last week.
Even if I drank coffee or three, all I get was side effects, not a boost.

No sleep aide then.
Melatonin never worked with me without some weird hormonal prerequisite for it to reliably work.

Barely any support maybe except eating or snacking my way into being broke and binging my way into destroying everything I tried to build.

It's the only things I have, basically, and in which are unhealthy or not allowed to do so in workplaces. Maybe this is why my teeth are bad? Bad enough to stim through the mouth.

Maladaptive daydreaming?? Ooohhh! Not just physical, too.
Mental as well. It's there because it's free and super accessible and it technically worked no different than binging anything else.

What am I escaping from my life then? Well, nothing external that's for certain.

No structure. At all.
No routines, doesn't matter how much I crave order or needed one as an autistic.
My body has a nonexistent circadian rhythm and I hate sleep.

And internal sensory issue that never went away.
Just imagine it's almost as bad as chronic pain without pain killers (which I also technically did for a decade long) on top of an older, technically minor but way more disruptive and even more unmanageable chronic illness.
For most of my life. Until just last month.

The same goes with external aides until my mid 20s. Earplugs, transitioning glasses...

Not having my own space and secured privacy until, again, mid 20s.
Yeah, try self reflecting your feelings and thoughts in places you never trust, where people had no regard for your privacy and ownership of things.



Try being positive and reliable in a chronically irritated, frustrated, fatigued, in pain, mistrusting and unsafe.

With no reliable coping strategy except to basically habits that will lead someone to rot or neglect everything. Go on.

Oh, and -- did not develop a thicker skin, did not develop passive dissociation nor end up numb.
All of that crap; fully felt, fully expressed, and no masking it.

Then take full brunt of said consequences of expressing those -- since before teenage years, one during still developing stages, in barely pubescent years.



Then wondered how I basically wasted my 20s? It's to get out of the crap that me being too young was helpless to get out of.

It's to find a more reliable consumable and a healthier activity, be more of myself than whatever shite.

Actually have my support; actually have my own version of crutches, essentially earplugs to whatever internal noises.



Makes me wonder what happens if I took an antipsychotic for my chronically irritated, frustrated, fatigued, in pain, mistrusting and unsafe with nonexistent means of coping except to waste or put my life on pause -- at age 15?

Pause -- not rest. There was no space to process.
The space needed never existed from mid 20s to until last year and as recently as last week.

Maybe I wouldn't able to survive, either. Maybe with it, I'd waste away or quicken whatever degenerative crap I was dealing and blame it in aging...

Ha, yeah right. I'm "aging" since 10.
Said effects of "aging" vanished for a week when I was 26. Best days of my adult life. It's what I should have.

It's what I must have.
I want those days to be my norm, not whatever this ignorance induced neglect induced illness ridden shite.

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I don't know how people can happily drink hot chocolate
It cuts right through me

I can sense when there's a spider in my flat days before I find the bloody thing

That's how I know that they have supernatural powers

I love the morning time me