What's on your mind right now?

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Wanna do something different, new and fun

But financially broke, socially awkward, scared, lazy, apathetic, physically weak, mentally slow






There's someone that I want to interact with

He sometimes goes to a certain activity on Wednesday

But the activity lasts only one hour

And there are other precious lil "people"

Appetite gone haywire

Craving

Cheddar, lasagna, tacos, jalepino, refried beans, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, stuffing, ice cream,


But too expensive


And trying to lose weight



My "life" is like Sisyphus

Not much, actually.

I don't know why I've been extra dizzy the past two or three days. It's something that ordinarily happens to me occasionally (probably because I have low blood pressure), but it's been significantly worse lately for some reason. It's getting to the point where that combined with the rare occasions where my hip will feel just fine while I'm sitting/lying down but when I get up will not support my weight (I do have issues with pain in both my hips, and suspect that's related), I think I'm going to have to teach my service dog to "brace," so he'll come to me and stand firm so he can support/steady me. It's just really annoying because it seems like all my little health complaints like this (I have a good number, none of which have been that much of a problem on their own until fairly recently) are getting worse lately, and this is just another thing to have to deal with.

There are people who like to play weak and there are people who like to play strong. I like to play strong.

The flowers are out and so am I.

how do you get over extreme cases of embarrassment?

My "life" is like Sisyphus.

A fifth year electrical engineering undergrad told me that if she were to have wasted as much time studying, as I did, she would have gotten straight A's.

And her major was harder than mine.

And I flunked out of that subject.

Regardless of what I do not eat, I am still fatter than other Chinese men and women

Nobody has the authority to "help" my worthless corpse

Maybe the greatest thing they can assist me with is by ignoring me




Plan, goal, dream, reality, delusional

Fantasies will never come true:

Infantry

Combat engineer

Structural engineer

Writer

Skinny smart handsome cisgender white man

Precious lil "friends"

Clinical depression

Autism

Six out of ten personality disorders diagnosed by Dept of Rehab

The April showers that most of British Columbia are getting right now. I remember asking my mum why we got so much rain one time when I was 8. The conversation did not go well.

Me: Why do we get so much rain where we live?

Mother: The British brought it with them when they came.

Me: I hate the British.

Mother: You're lucky your dad isn't here right now. He'd be very hurt if he heard you say that!

Me: Why?

Mother: Because most of his ancestors were British.

Me: Oops.....

This makes me feel guilty enough to show that side of me again. It must be the weather.

Want to interact with a former aikido instructor

But classes last only one hour

There are plenty of other precious lil"people"

And minimal opportunity for social conversation


Per se

And afterwards he has to go to work

Today is my birthday, yay!

Precious lil "people" act morally innocent, academically smart, socially cool. Self righteous, big egoes condescending

Ain't got no precious lil "friends"

In the past, former precious lil "friends" had the nerve to tell me off when I cam out as trans.

Nothing to do in "life"

So afraid to trust anyone because they might suddenly turn on me

And I ain't psychic or telepathic so I don't know who will suddenly turn on me

Precious lil "people" have more resources than me:. Authority, cash, skill, friends, big egoes, confidence, IQ, higher metabolism


So if and when they suddenly turn on me, they win the competition. Even if they do not have the moral high road.

So it's like I should not interact with anyone with more resources than me

Which is a small group

And they do not necessarily want to interact with me

And whatever

Wish I was in the military

Get some respect

Get treated like a hero

Enlisted, officer

Army, Navy

Military occupational specialty

Deployment

Purple heart

Reserves, active duty

Doesn't matter

A soldier's military occupational specialty could just only be Shower Laundry Repair, and some civilians treat them like heroes

Martyr

That's how I want to get treated


But MEPs disqualifiers

Autism
Gender identity disorder
Clinical depression
Anxiety
Irritable bowel syndrome
Obsessive compulsive disorder
Over six months of professional counseling

At least


Can't join Chair Force


Affection, belonging, recognition, motivation, purpose