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Weeding: the sound/sensation of pulling roots from ground. It might be too wet & chilly today though.

cathy lynn

in the united states, 18 year olds join active duty infantry. get deployed to afghanistan, get physically injured by improvised explosive devices. get killed, sent to fort leavenworth, and et cetera. 22 years old and already a veteran of the military.

some 26 year olds get medical degrees.

plenty of people died under age 35. disease, car crashes, and et cetera.

plenty of 35 year olds work as medical doctors, lawyers, electrical engineers.

plenty of 35 year olds have children, got married, own houses. the whole 9 yards. symbols of adulthood.

thus far, i have yet to achieve anything.

except of course, went over 12 months without a menstrual cycle. (menopause).

yeah well, whooptie do. that is not a form of seven multiple intelligences . and it don't go on no resume as a job skill either.

see how pathetic i am?

did not achieve anything remarkable. good or bad. thus far.

the closest things that i did, that could be considered remarkable, if exaggerated:

BA, cognitive science, ucsd (whooptie do). it ain't harvard medical school, STEM, grad school

stay the same weight (108#) from age 13 to age 35, twenty two years

become the first "girl" in the boys locker room, at the college that i went to (ucsd 2006 was homophobic)

ride a bike from clairemont, san diego, to perris, riverside. in flash floood advisory

but none of that is anything to write home about.

ain't got no precious lil "friends". they all dumped me. (they might have been justified. but, justified or not, it doesn't matter functionally). only got minimum wage jobs. and got fired. emotional resilience out the window. and it was never that great to begin/start/initiate with.

got a drivers license at age 20. but almost never drive. anxiety.


but whatever. so dissociated/detached/lazy/distraught/tired/disturbed/hateful. quite frankly i just do not have the IQ score or metabolism or emotional resilience to do anything drastic or dramatic or significant in any way, shape or form. and i am 35 years old.





the current counselor put "paucity of content" on the insurance form.

wtf?

yes, i get that i tend to obsess about:
work rejection
school failure
precious lil "friends"
fat
autism
gender identity disorder
depression
philosophy


but, hey. tried to bring up TI83 and Python (calculator and computer programming language) and the counselor said "what's that?". okay, how and why should two separate parties sit around flapping their traps about topics neither one knows about, just for the sole purpose of avoiding getting the classification "paucity of content"? what was i supposed to talk about, the entire Dewey Decimal System?





the aikido instructor that i had, eight years ago, came to the current dojo that i go to. makes me uncomfortable. maybe he has a grudge against me. (loyalty to instructor). martial arts (especially tai chi and aikido) contains a ridiculous amount of outdated philosophy and etiquette protocol practices. the former instructor might be annoyed that i dumped him. his actions/statements do not sound that different from 8 years ago, but maybe he is expressing annoyance and anger and i failed to pick up on it.



this one woman joined aikido about one year ago. she was going to test for the next belt, as of 4 weeks ago. she was sick for about 2 weeks.

whenever i do an aikido technique on her, it startles me b/c sshe falls down so loudly and clumsily that i think i did something "wrong". not necessarily. the former aikido instructor asked "are you ok?", but that is just the way that she falls. that is the usual way, for her.

when that woman goes to aikido, wednesday, the whole thing is pretty much way too easy. ikkyo, shihonage, iriminage, kotegaeshi. from katate dori. and kokkyo nage. that was it. and then i feel bored.

when that woman does not go to aikido, it is yonkyu. way too difficult. constantly paranoid someone will physically injure my worthless corpse.

there is no happy medium.

have to take the first, second, or third buses of the day to get there on time. sometimes the bus is late. but it doesn't make sense to give it too much margin of error. it is just aikido. it is not work, school, jury duty, or the military.



anyways it makes me feel jealous and annoyed and left out. when the current and former aikido instructors were sitting around flapping their traps. and i wanted to talk to them, but they were talking to eachother. felt invisible and neglected.

but there are many things worse than being invisible and neglected.

plenty of people had worse lives than me. plenty of people died before age 35 and it was not their fault.



my sister's friend's brother died at age 33. he already got a Masters in Electrical Engineering. and he got that job. Air Force six years enlisted.

so, whatever.

skinny smart handsome cisgender white man.

nobody gets everything they want.

and if they did, then what?

whooptie do.

fatalistic

meaningless

no purpose

nothing to do

no direction in "life"

Feels like I'm just passing the time waiting to die.

Cathy Lynn

Some degrees are a dime a dozen

Especially for someone with six out of ten personality disorders diagnosed by Dept of Rehab

The degree might be worth something

And that something is the paper that it is printed on



Sometimes, there is no functional solution

For example, some instructors told me that I was not paying attention .





Short of an MRI, there is no way to prove otherwise


MRI too expensive


It is not possible, or not happening, to prove otherwise


And even if I did, the instructor might not have believed it

And if they believed it, that doesn't prevent the next wrongful accusation

Many things are like that


Not possible, or not happening








Feel like gorging


Exhausted


Want to talk to the former aikido instructor, but he keeps giving me the cold sugar

He would not bow to me


But, pick your battles


Going nowhere

Slacker

Lazy

Weak

Exhausted

Tired

Bored

Hateful



The former aikido instructor is a structural engineer. That is the subject that I flunked. Fourth undergrad year. Thirteen years ago. Five hundred miles away


And I will never get over it


I feel so ashamed stupid and inferior



life is going nowhere


Loitering every day


No job


Might end up homeless

This whole week has been one shiity day after the next. The month hasn’t been great either. Pushed myself to go out in pubic too many days and make important calls and it ended in 18 hours of intense anxiety, including those lovely summersaults inside my stomache. Three days have passed sense then but I havent slept a wink. When I go even 24 hours no sleep I get photo sensetivity, noise sensitivity and the worse is intense pain in half my fingers tips just from touching my mouse pad ever so lightly. Getting off the technology is not an option.

I have been trying to focus on my special interest of Autism and It has kept me calm and focused for these last few days.
Then next thing I know the internet is disconnected, for maybe the 8 time in the last month and I just called them yesterday and sorted this out. Because it is now the weekend there is nothing I can do for 2 days and I am fuming.

Lately it seems almost every day something is going wrong and I get sent back into a spin of anger and frustration. Im already so overloaded that I can’t leave the bedroom and now my beds companion the laptop is as good as useless and I need the online world I live in.

I mean sure no worries, I have my phone. I just can’t barely see anything and already it is causing more pain in my fingers. At this point next week will be councelled and I will be taking whatever time I need to rest and restore my energy.

Finishing up university and re-entering the workplace,but with a less demanding environment

May is a difficult month for me. My mom passed away nearly seven years ago (May 24). I still miss her. I'm sad that she never got to see even my current level of functioning. I wanted, more than anything, for her to see me successful. I feel I disappointed her.

I think America should have a immorality tax.

Want to get drunk? Tax it to hell
Want Weed? Tax it to hell
Want adult videos? Tax it to hell
Want hire an escort? Tax it to hell
Want cocaine? Tax it to hell
Want heroin? Tax it to hell
Want to gamble? Tax it to hell

Exact meth, that is one drug that is not victimless as it contains dangerous chemicals to others, not just the user. Unless we can produce a safe meth... the tax it to hell

I was just yelled at to "go get dressed up!" because we are going to a new restaurant for Mother's Day. I don't know how to do that. I have no fashion sense.

oftentimes when i am alone (almost all the time), i feel left out. or lonely.

but mentally and emotionally, i feel like i can't keep up with social interactions.

it's like an emotional rollercoaster.

misunderstanding after misunderstanding.

"huh", "what", "eh", "ha", "hm."

"sorry" this and "sorry" that.

precious lil "people" act like everything and everyone is, and has to be, completely good or bad.

their choice of words reflects their attitudes.

"cool". "sucks". "help". "hurt".




sometimes counselors make vague and misleading statements. that are not factually inaccurate. in order to persuade the client into certain thoughts, actions, statements, and emotions.

for example, "you were helping people eat".

that statement made it sound like i was a peace corps volunteer. 2 years. 3000 people. 2000 calories each, per day. and otherwise they would have dropped dead. and they did not drop dead. and dropping dead is always a bad thing. and there is no overpopulation problem. it made it sound like precious lil "people" financially or physically had some obstacle to eating.

but if i did not help precious lil "people" eat, someone else would've worked there. if noone else worked there, customers would've eaten something else. if they did not eat something else, they would've lost a couple pounds for a couple days.

nothing drastic would've occurred if i were not to have been working there.

this is the 35rd counselor. and i am getting tired of counseling. almost all the counselors are so dramatic. "unfortunate" this and "horrible" that. "major loss". "rude", "disrespectful", "mean". it's like . every loss is a "major loss". it's like, adrenal fatigue.

the other thing i wonder, is if the counselors are actually better at handling their emotions, than i am at handling mine. the current counselor had the nerve to tell me "i have never seen you angry. if you do get angry we will deal with it." i beg your pardon? "we will deal with it?". wtf is there to "deal" with . anger is not a catastrophe. anger is not even an event. emotions are happy, sad, angry surprised, scared. "happy" is not superior to "angry". nor can you guarantee that you will be happy at all times. and then she asked if i know how to handle anger. (ok that question sounded so condescending). so i answered: she acts like she handles anger 100% and i handle anger 0%. but it is more like she handles anger 30 percent and i handle anger 20 percent. the first counselor that i saw was when i was 16. how is it possible that i never felt angry before age 16?

then the current counselor told me that she purposely avoids using the word "mad" in front of me because the word "mad" "has a negative connotation for you." "for you"? in the dictionary. it's official. not just my opinion. okay? "huh"? what?. "mad" used to mean "mentally ill". and almost all the time when someone else says the word "mad", they believe it was unjustified for me to have been "mad". they rarely refer to themselves as "mad". okay? huh?

besides, the official word is "angry". for young children, ESL, et cetera, that's one thing.

but for a professional counselor? masters in psychology. no. zippo. zilch. nada. do not pass go. do not collect 200 bucks.


then i wonder what the counselors honestly think of me.

what she tells me is too good to be true.



want to talk to the former aikido instructor. it's been over seven years. he just one day waltzed into the dojo that i go to now.

but, i don't know which lessons he goes to. there are a lot of lessons and i am not telepathic, clairvoyant, or psychic. and even if he goes to the same one as me, a lot of times he (or i) get there right before the lesson starts. no time to sit around talking. and afterward he leaves for work.

the former aikido instructor has the personality that i envy the most out of everyone i have ever interacted with. even though he is a structural engineer, he is Type B and extroverted. he is upbeat and jokes around a lot. he is verbally articulate. as verbally articulate as a psychologist, if not more. he has never once commented on my appearance.

the only thing (but it is a big thing), was that he let a (then 11 year old dips**t) take lessons. and the 11 year old threatened to steal my wallet. (among numerous other things). and the instructor, in his doctor spock tone, told the lil dips**t that it was not "respect" to do so. okay, wtf? petty larceny is also not legal .

anyone can label anything as "disrespectful". the instructor had way too much patience with the lil dips**t. the dips**t's dad was in the room at the same time and just ignored the whole thing. spoiled lil b***h s**t.

if the instructor suspected that i took his merchandise, then i could not imagine that the instructor would not call 911.

double standards





the Nutrition community college instructor put an exclamation point after the number four.

okay and i thought that i was bad at math.



paranoid of getting raped

tired of worrying about $$

paranoid about getting injured in aikido

paranoid of getting struck by a car.

every day is almost exactly the same.

no job, no $$, no precious lil "friends".

food tastes weird. and if i eat the slightest thing wrong, it's like, shutdown .

bubble boy

i am so fragile

some bowel movements take over one hour

straining

almost fell asleep at bed bath and beyond

suspect nutritional deficiency

wish i had precious lil "friends".

oh well whatever.

what do you expect

that both parties go holding hands skipping off into the sunset?

problem of powerstructures, the lacanian powergrip on psych groupthink

parents protested psycho- practices and structures(the wall), well that called for a professionel block of defense
to forbid the films release

brouha; https://blogs.mediapart.fr/camille-lefevre/blog/230513/autisme-et-psychanalyse

- Je pense que l'autisme, c'est un mode de réaction du sujet qui est évidemment très tôt dans l'histoire logique, si je puis dire, c'est quand même qu'au fond, en réponse à ce qui vient d'envahissement du monde et de l'autre, il se ferme. Il se met dans une bulle, et il refuse, au fond, de se mettre dans les mécanismes de la parole, encore que certains autistes parlent, n'est-ce pas ? donc c'est plus que de la parole, dans les mécanismes subjectifs, c'est à dire, parler d'accord, mais sans y être impliqués.
- Est-ce que vous faites une distinction structurale entre l'autisme et la psychose ? demande la journaliste.
- Non. Pour ma part, non.
- Les autistes sont psychotiques ?
- Oui. Si vous voulez, l'autisme dans le fond est une situation extrême de quelque chose qui est dans le cadre des psychoses. Esthela Solano, psychanalyste à Paris, professeur à l'Université Paris VIII
- " Ce que nous pouvons constater quand nous nous occupons des enfants autistes, c'est précisément que les enfants autistes sont malades du langage. L'autisme est une façon de se défendre de la langue."
Professeur Bernard, Psychanalyste APF, chef de service de pédopsychiatrie de l'hôpital Necker à Paris.

from google translate- sh***y language on top of deplorable "thinking" (poststructuralist-lacanian; see lacan)
- I think that autism is a mode of reaction of the subject which is obviously very early in the logical history, if I may say, it is still that at bottom, in answer to what comes from invasion of the world and the other, it closes. He puts himself in a bubble, and he refuses, basically, to put himself in the mechanisms of speech, although some autistics speak, is not it? therefore it is more than speech, in the subjective mechanisms, that is, to speak in agreement, but without being involved.
- Do you make a structural distinction between autism and psychosis? asks the reporter.
- No. For my part, no.
- Autistics are psychotic?
- Yes. If you want, autism in the background is an extreme situation of something that is in the context of psychoses. Esthela Solano, psychoanalyst in Paris, professor at Paris VIII University
- "What we can see when we deal with children with autism is precisely that children with autism are sick of language, autism is a way of defending oneself from the language."
Professor Bernard, APF psychoanalyst, Head of Department of Child Psychiatry at Necker Hospital in Paris.


tenure is equal to paid nonsense spouting?
aristocrats, probably
law is often held by the aristocats too