What's on your mind right now?

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I'm thinking of good things, especially since my birthday is soon

I want to leave the house again one of these days.

I looked up gammon, and it sounds pretty tasty. I guess the insult derives from how it looks?

It could be a good or bad prospect, to expand comfort zone

Eat a wider variety of food

Do different things

Adventure

They do not all have to be social

But seriously feel disconnected

But lazy, scared of rejection

Apathetic

Cost benefit analysis

I've finally figured out why I'm drawn to tragic romances and 'star-crossed lovers'.

Nothing to do this summer

Nothing to do for the rest of my "life"

Everything appears meaningless

Feel invisible, inconsequential, ignored

That is ""As good as it gets"




Addiction

Kit Kat

Reese's

Twix

Naan

Epicurean tofu




Nothing to do all day long

Bored




Wasting away my "life"

No job

No job skills

No romantic relationship

No social relationship

Don't even have hobbies


Hieroglyphics

Learn something new

New skills

New activities

Brain rotting

Getting stupider

I'll draw attention to that b***h that she never thinks I'll draw.

Trying to learn to read long,lengthy novels again

Graduation at the local university today

Reminds me that I ain't got no future

No past

No present

Nothing current




Toying with the prospect/idea/ concept of, applying for one or more internships over the summer. Local community college

But already had five internships

Of them three were accounting (my AA major)

But bone tired

Lazy

Unpaid internship

And previous internships did not necessarily aid my job search


So what makes me fancy the sixth (fourth accounting) will benefit my dumbfuck worthless corpse?


Whatever





Nothing to do

Not even social plans

No hobbies

Just walking, reading, internet

No precious lil "friends"


Dysfunctional

Incompetent

Academically stupid

Dissociated

Brain fart

Not all there

Beyond repair

Too far gone

Wounded

Victimized

Hopeless

Helpless

Misunderstood

Bitter

Hateful

Angry

I acquired a largish tabllet sized bluetooth keyboard today that works with my phone. Could be interestiing. Hopefully it will be easier for me to deal wiith than the onscreen keyboard on my smartphone. It feels ridiculous, makes me think of the movie Brazil. Tiny little screen, miniature keyboard. Apparently doesn't do auto-correct, so I may make quite a few typos for a little while.

the current counselor told me "you are ok the way you are and people should not hrrt your feelings".

wtf

you are only "ok" at a certain time, for a certain purpose, according to a certain judge.

nobody has told me that above statement (marked with smilies) before. and i am 35 years old.

so if i have to hire someone for 75 bucks an hour to tell me the above statement, then i must not be "ok". and precious lil "people" should've exterminated me a long time ago.

"should", "can" and "will" are all different things.

or was that an imperative statement? a command? as in, you should not let precious lil "people" hrrt your feelings.

what is that statement, linguistically? semantics. declarative or imperative statement.

"homelessness should not hrrt your feelings" does not mean "you should not be homeless". "homelessness should not hrrt your feelings" means that, you should not be so emotionally fragile as to feel hrrt, because you are homeless.

besides, the counselor can't peer pressure anyone. HIPAA. everything you say is confidential unless you violate the mandated reporter law

.

the current counselor legally does not have a right to write laws, do fieldwork (go places with clients), provide speech therapy, prescribe medication, write laws. she has no time machine . all she ever does is sit there talking.

"actions speak louder than words".

but whatever.

besides, plenty of people make fun of Trump (and previous presidents) with a lot of different methods. there is nothing he can do about it. one cartoon featured Trump lying in a coffin, with Obama and Clinton's families standing by, smiling and laughing.

if the Commander in Chief of the military can't do anything about people making fun of him, then i also can't do anything about someone making fun of me.

because i am just a public nuisance panhandling civilian. indeed i am a nobody.

and what is "okay".

i am only "ok" to the current counselor. she told me that if a client came in and broke her furniture that would not be "ok".

but i am not "ok", according to almost all previous bosses. those precious lil "people" had the nerve to fire me. second, third day.

f**k those ass holes.

firing me "hrrt your feelings".

so what?

if nobody ever hrrt my feelings, then nobody would've fired me. and i wouldn't have to work either.

if nobody ever hrrt anyone's feelings, nobody would/could ever get fired, flunk a class, get divorced, or get evicted. or anything like that.

thus removing the fear based motivation.

for motivation, all you have left is, goodwill and greed. which do not go that far, maybe. just maybe.




saying "people should not hrrt your feelings" sounds like it implies, that like, i got a moral prerogative, to veto any action or statement, from anyone, just b/c it hrrt my feelings.

wrong.

nope. no. negative.

i do not have that entitlement. nobody does. not even Trump.




the other thing i do not get is, everything helps, has no effect, or hrrts. you can't guarantee you get just the first two.

it's actually kind of belittling, that the counselor told me that. it's like, wtf?

i am 35 years old. got a BA and AA in different subjects. gender identity disorder, autism, clinical depression. six out of ten personality disorders.

thus i got plenty of failure and social rejection

i am not just 4 years old.

sometimes i wonder if that's why so many precious lil "people" act so entitled.

a former "friend" had the nerve to tell me that she would tell me when i did something she did not like and she expected me to stop.

but she was not willing to do the same for me. not even when i asked her to stop jaywalking. (illegal). ("people do it all the time.")

she truly really had an ego so humungous she believed that she had a moral right to veto any action or statement from anyone just b/c she did not like it.

what if she did not "like" it when i continued living, then what?

nobody has rights, besides her.

nobody has emotions.

a former meditation "instructor" had the nerve to tell me "we would rather not have you doing yoga. it's distracting".

that lil ass hole claimed way too much authority. s**t

everything is either grounding, neither or distracting. you can't guarantee just the first two.

"we" just means two or more precious lil "people". the royal "we" means just one.

so, in (then 27 years), more than two precious lil "people" found it "distracting" when i continued living. so what? maybe they should've exterminated me. pest control.

how about, we would rather not have you micromanaging customers. it's distracting.

b/c he had the nerve to tell me that over 7 (seven) years (yes, years) ago. and i still hold a grudge against him.

he acted like he was so compassionate, polite, nice, kind, wise. whatever.

wrong.

he showed the size of his massive entitled ego.

if he were to have said "i am so bad at meditating, that i fail to meditate when you are wrongfully doing unskillful yoga. as a personal favor to me, could you please stop?". then i would've been happy to stop doing yoga.

and i tried to explain to at least three different (psychological) counselors. and none of them got it. the first time. and i explained and explained.

sometimes usually it is just not worth the effort to interact with precious lil "people".

even the well meaning ones.

just b/c he found it "distracting" does not mean anyone else found it "distracting".

"would rather not have"?

seriously.

not everyone talks that way all the time. but a lot of precious lil "people" do, a lot of the time.

and i am just so tired of splitting fine hairs

having to justify my existence

and compete and argue

over every slightest thing.

and to add insult to injury, he had the nerve to tell me that he cared about me. "care". "to attend to". it is not necessarily good. "care" does not specify outcome, intention, legality, morality.

but, whatever. semantics aside, he did not "care" about me.

at last, not as much as he claimed credit for.







tired of obsessing about the past.

but with no precious lil "friends", hobbies, or jobs, it's kind of tempting to obsess about the past.

preoccupation

disturbance


it's like if there is a plate of lasagna in the same room, i find it hard to not eat it. tempting.

same thing.


and precious lil "people" did not even apologize to me.

he/they ought to have gotten on their knees and begged for forgiveness

i'm so upset


there's this pink haired QT who works at a CVS in the neighborhood where i like to hang out

but i haven't seen her the last few times i went in there (it's been a week)

i really wanted to see and talk to her again.

the food i want, i can't afford financially. or it causes bowel movement difficulty. or something like that.

no hope

despair

disrepair

no future

no prospects

join the military

illuminati

panhandling

write a book

too lazy

sloth

slovenly

too lazy to sit up straight, stand up straight, talk

decision making fatigue

do the same thing day after day

civilian conservation corps

job corps

too old for that

35 years old

americorps

peace corps

anyways i deal with change badly and slowly

even tiny amounts of change

the counselor told me that the professional treatment for personality disorders, is dialectical behavioral therapy

and that is, what, one hundred bucks an hour?

the insurance stops paying for counseling, as of november this year

or maybe the counselor was just overmarketing counseling.

like the Snuggie the blanket that was also a coat/jacket

the advertisement made it look like not having a Snuggie was a huge problem

and having a snuggie was awesome.

thus exaggerating the value of a snuggie.



same with counseling. the counselor told me that she has never seen me "angry" before but if i do get "angry", then "we will deal with it."

wtf?

35 years old.

the first counselor i saw was when i was sixteen.

there are only five emotions: happy, sad, angry, surprised, scared.

one in five emotions is angry.

she acted like i knew how to deal with anger zero percent. and she acted like she knew how to deal with anger one hundred percent.

but it is more like i am at five percent and she is at ten percent.




anger is an emotion.

not a catastrophe.

not even an event.

any more than happiness is an event



seriously i am uncomfortable with all emotions, not just anger


for the counselor to tell me what she told me sounded a bit condescending



but yes i know she meant well and all that stupid BS

the food i want, i can't afford financially. or it causes bowel movement difficulty. or something like that.

no hope

despair

disrepair

no future

no prospects

join the military

illuminati

panhandling

write a book

too lazy

sloth

slovenly

too lazy to sit up straight, stand up straight, talk

decision making fatigue

do the same thing day after day

civilian conservation corps

job corps

too old for that

35 years old

americorps

peace corps

anyways i deal with change badly and slowly

even tiny amounts of change

the counselor told me that the professional treatment for personality disorders, is dialectical behavioral therapy

and that is, what, one hundred bucks an hour?

the insurance stops paying for counseling, as of november this year

or maybe the counselor was just overmarketing counseling.

like the Snuggie the blanket that was also a coat/jacket

the advertisement made it look like not having a Snuggie was a huge problem

and having a snuggie was awesome.

thus exaggerating the value of a snuggie.



same with counseling. the counselor told me that she has never seen me "angry" before but if i do get "angry", then "we will deal with it."

wtf?

35 years old.

the first counselor i saw was when i was sixteen.

there are only five emotions: happy, sad, angry, surprised, scared.

one in five emotions is angry.

she acted like i knew how to deal with anger zero percent. and she acted like she knew how to deal with anger one hundred percent.

but it is more like i am at five percent and she is at ten percent.




anger is an emotion.

not a catastrophe.

not even an event.

any more than happiness is an event



seriously i am uncomfortable with all emotions, not just anger


for the counselor to tell me what she told me sounded a bit condescending



but yes i know she meant well and all that stupid BS