What's on your mind right now?

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I have a party tonight, my best friend's birthday and I just don't want to go. I mean I'll go but it starts too early (8pm and it's 4:40 already), besides I think I'm catching a flu and feel very tired. I just need a day for myself without having to go anywhere. Lately I've been out of my house almost everyday (to help my sister with her newborn which I've adored doing) so I haven't been able to have time for my self and have started to realise how much I really need it. I want to go to that party but way later. Not in the mood at all for being social really, I'm still unemployed and will probably see old friends from high school so that's another con. Normally I wouldn't care as much but right now I just don't have the energy to prepare (physically and mentally) for this type of thing.

Feel like need someone to discipline me

Sloth

Slovenly

Nothing appears worth the effort

Military

No goals

I remember my 9 year old sister saying that she felt that she should be older than me when I was 12. I wish I would have said that I feel that I should have been born a boy after she said that. Could you imagine what my parents would have said if I said that to them? I think I'll just leave that to the imagination.

The first time I attempted suicide
Homeschooling
Getting raped in middle school
My sports physical

Feel like I am just a public nuisance and someone should have done the community service of exterminating my worthless corpse

A long time ago

Not wait until now at age 35

And someone should have gotten a Nobel Prize for doing so

And a dollar for dollar itemized tax deduction

For the retail value of the resources and carbon footprint saved, (coupon, sale, discount) from exterminating my worthless corpse





Feel guilty for not enlisting in the military

Cathy lynn


"obsessive compulsive can be harnessed to help you accomplish things - whatever you set your sights on."

The past thirteen years or so (after flunking the college subject that I was trying to major in), I have been lazy. No motivation. Sloth, slovenly, apathetic. Lost cause, beyond repair, too far gone. At this point, anything besides sleeping, eating, internet, reading, loitering, walking takes utter and constant effort. No short term goals. Much less long term

Obsessive compulsive disorder could make someone more workaholic.

In my case, that ain't occurring

"good friend of mine had avoidant PD. he was brilliant and compassionate," but couldn't hold a job because he decompensated with every criticism."

I am neither brilliant nor compassionate

Although you can't measure brilliance or compassion

And I can't hold a job because precious lil "people" keep firing me

Just because your friend and I are similar, in that we have the same diagnosis, does not guarantee that we are similar in any other ways

"paranoid is tough to deal with, too. a way to cope is to trust someone with a little thing. if they prove trustworthy on that, trust them with something a bit bigger and build up gradually."

In the past I have trusted some precious lil "people" with some things

Some were trustworthy

Some were not

Just because someone was trustworthy in the past does not mean anything about the future

I really don't like being treated like a child. Yes, I self-harm, but no, I don't need absolutely everything even remotely sharp in the house to be hidden from me (plus I'm not stupid - you leave a case I've never seen before sitting next to the kitchen counter, I know that's where you put them, I could get them if I wanted to), and I am still perfectly capable of handling my own medications. My parents know just how much of an extreme rule-follower I am - they should know there's no way I'd take more of a medication than prescribed. I've never even given that the slightest consideration. Nor have I ever considered using scissors to self-harm, yet they insist on taking those away from me, despite the fact that I've told them that it never even really occurred to me to use them like that. I get that they're doing it out of concern, but this isn't some new revelation to them - they've known for a while that I self-harm. And it's even less of a new thing to me - I know myself, I know what I can and can't be trusted with, and I'm not actively suicidal, so I can also be trusted to be honest about it. And no, I'm not being treated like a child because I've been acting like a child - most children wouldn't deliberately hurt themselves, the supervision would be to prevent them from doing it accidentally.

Whew - it feels good to have a little vent every now and then.

what is on my mind right now ....

the aikido instructor said that he is almost 50 years old and six figures in debt.

wtf? maybe being in debt isn't such a bad thing, b/c it's so common. in the state where the instructor lives, debtors prisons are illegal anyways. except for the court imposed fees.



today was Memorial Day. legal holiday. observance. library closed. school closed. pizza roma and donut time closed. other buildings were more crowded: whole foods, trader joe's, cvs, Mod Pizza, bed bath and beyond. bus on sunday schedule.



feel guilty and ashamed of not having a job. but feel like can't handle a job. too distracted. especially the jobs i qualify for, are just minimum wage jobs that anyone could do. McDonald's, janitor, retail. could not imagine standing up for 40 hours (or more) a week. loud music or noise in some workplaces. angry customers. hot kitchen. dirty bathroom - janitor. working outside in the cold, rain, heat. physically dangerous jobs. boring jobs.

none of the jobs that i qualify for, are intellectually stimulating.



no precious lil "friends", family, future, job, job skills, $$. extremely bad at driving, but have driver's license.

no hope

no prospects

feel like, could use a non commissioned officer, drill instructor. united states marines. to bark at me and order me around. fear as a motivator. greed and goodwill as motivators have not worked, for me, lately.




every day is just waiting til the next meal. love eating.

not good at anything. the former aikido instructor is so skilled. amazing. it's like everything is so natural for him. jealous, resentment, angry, annoyed.



don't even have hobbies

the current counselor told me that some of the symptoms of clinical depression (which i have a diagnosis for), overlap with brain damage.



between third and seventh grades, every summer, my precious lil "mom" made my sister and me memorize ten to twenty daily SAT words. in the school year, ten to twenty SAT words per week. between third and seventh grades.

they made me take the SAT in seventh grade. got 1040. the average for 12th graders was 1012.

they did not send me to private school. the middle and high schools i went to had pretty low standardized test scores. no extracurricular activities. Theory of Multiple Intelligences? what's that?

no dating, no precious lil "friends". nothing.

and then got to UCSD. undergrad. fourth year, structural engineering. flunked out. one piece of paper from the school. and it was all over.

while the former aikido instructor is a structural engineer. masters degree. from a harder school. he appears so well adjusted (appearances are sometimes misleading, but this one couldn't be too far off base). his verbal fluency, emotional resilience, and social skills are, in some ways, much better than many of the thirty five counselors that i have gone to thus far. indeed, if he were to have hung a shingle that said "psychologist", seriously doubt anyone would think he was not professionally certified to hang the shingle. he's better at counseling than many counselors, and he is not even a counselor. amazing. he seems like he does everything so effortlessly. he drives a car. he is married with children. he talks to people easily.

and i am so jealous.

nature versus nurture



at this point, i am thirty five years old. nothing appears worth the effort. it's like Sysyphus. "you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear."

emotionally and mentally and physically i am getting exhausted. some days i wanna do nothing besides lie down on my back and play with the phone. too lazy to talk even.

maybe if i joined activities i would be more social. but there are not many (not any) activiities that i like doing. and even fewer that i am good at. sure i am great at holding grudges, but that is not a job skill.





cathy lynn

"no predictor is perfect, but the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

yes, but a lot of the time, a lot of precious lil "people" claim that he, she, or someone else, "would never" do something. or that someone is "a good person". not factually inaccurate, but way too vague and misleading.

pattern recognition versus globalization

i suck at holding grudges.


thank god.

I wish I was able to suck at holding grudges.

I know, right?
I'm the world champ. We should have a duel.