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Breakdancing

Heartache

Too far gone

Beyond repair

No hope

Despair

Chest physically hrrts when I feel certain emotions

Not articulate enough

But nobody to talk to anyways

The current counselor acts like she understands all of what I tell her

But it's just, uh huh uh huh uh huh.

She says "what" like it is the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me". Which sounds calloused because she acts like every time she has a thought, it is the latest greatest scientific invention

Wondering if I'll ever be able to live on my own, or if my autism and mental health issues will always prevent me from doing that, even if the whole job thing wasn't a factor. Considering the possibility of assisted living, but most of those places are either for seniors or for people who are far more mentally disabled than I am. No pets allowed at the one place I've found, although they do have two cats on the premises, and probably no assisted living facility would allow me to partake in my more... bizarre interests. Wondering what the point of continuing to exist is in any case. I've realized that I can't take the stress and energy drain of even a simple, three-hour-a-day job on top of mere everyday life - it will be a long time before I can ever handle a job, if ever. So I continue to live as nothing more than a parasite. And for what? Only because of how devastated my parents would be if I offed myself, even if I still can't fathom any reason why they would be so. I really, really wish I could just die of something not self-inflicted already and have it done with.

I've always wondered what a changeling is.

Thanks for bringing me those Fruit Sensations chocolates.
They were like crack cocaine to a junkie.

I would say something futuristic.

Yesterday the aikido instructor said he was moving to a different state, in two months

Because he got laid off both jobs

His wife got a job offer

He has to take care of old parents

He said he is trying to arrange that his students go to the head instructor,

But he charges donation only


She charges 105 bucks a month


She makes her entire paycheck teaching aikido

And she lives in a mansion

Last week I happened to walk by

It looked unnecessarily expensive

Lavish lifestyle


Her student tolde I could arrange a work study

But minimum wage is only about 12 bucks, where she lives

Maybe it is time to just give up aikido altogether


It has been over ten years

Over 450 total dojos

And I am bad at aikido and almost everything else


So whatever

Furthermore the goal of martial arts is , perfect character


And that is not happening

So whatever

Besides, it does not appear that anyone inside the building has character as good as they act like it is



The aikido instructor and the former instructor said they have to deal with parents getting old

Which I do not have to worry about

Because my precious lil "parents,," are dead

So whatever



Besides the head instructor has a lot of rules


For example, uniform required

And I got sensory processing dysfunction


So whatever


And every statement must end in "sensei,"

For example, "hai sensei"

Control freak

Arrogant

And I don't want to interact with her

But whatever maybe I have way too many pain receptors and no instructor has the authority to fix that

So whatever




When the instructor said that, it made me realize how much aikido meant to me


Often it is my only social interaction


Gorged last night


Ate too much

But ate slowly

Enjoyed it


"Work study", doesn't sound worth it


Too much work


Looked up "work study"


It said it's for college

Aikido is not a religion, political cause, family, friend, addiction, job or school

Just a hobby

And I have one other hobby

So whatever





Besides I am 35 years old

When I was 21, got evicted two times

Flunked structural engineering, fourth undergrad year

Got fired from work a lot of times

So whatever

Emotional attachment

Had a lot of losses, much larger




The aikido instructor has a PhD in Psychology

He said he is almost 50 and six figures in debt

So whatever

Maybe that is what happens when you choose a major you like, instead of worrying about $$$


Anyways now I ain't got nobody to talk to


Besides counseling


Counseling ends November


Aikido ends August



Feel like gorging

Eating too much



Bad at dealing with change

"Reality"


Nothing to do now

Absolutely nothing to do with my "life"


Except counseling


Last night applied for an internship

Pain receptor


Drank six liter water

Tapeworms

I would say a Genesis song.

The current counselor had the nerve to check the box for "paucity of content" on the insurance form

Wtf?

When I said "TI 83" and Python, she was like "what's that?"

How can I discuss a wide variety of subjects when she doesn't know much about them?

A previous counselor did not even know the difference between BMI and percentage body fat. "CPA", "sole proprietor".

Almost zero counselor even know the difference between, "what?" and "excuse me".


And "mad" and "angry"

and after I tried to explain, she said "uh huh uh huh uh huh"

And several months later she had the nerve to tell me that she doesn't say "mad" in front of me, because "mad" has a negative connotation "for you"


Wrong

Not "for you", in the dictionary







Some of them act like they know a lot more than they know

And they act like I know nothing

In 2014, I was leaving a class taught by the current instructor, right before bow out. The head aikido instructor had the nerve to tell me "you should do the four claps. Why are you leaving?"

"Bus"

She didn't answer

Control freak

Oh well

There is at least one dojo that goes by donation only.

It's just farther away. And less convenient time

But whatever




Plenty of instructors are control freaks

One instructor barked "watch!" at me for looking out the window

Every slightest thing

Oh well whatever

There is nothing magical about martial arts

Anyone could hang a shingle, legally

No background check

Instructors have their own fair share of criminal convictions and mental illnesses

So whatever





Applied for all the internships on the school website, that I qualify for

Not that many

But I'd rather do nothing

Lazy

Clinical depression

Motivation

Outcome not proportional to effort

Previous bosses were condescending, rude , disrespectful



Not all of them

Not at all times


But cost benefit analysis

And if they were not rude, then it's like, whooptie do