What's on your mind right now?

Post Reply New Topic

Simply doing my best as a human being

The unpaid internship wastes one hundred hours total. It starts in July. The community college advertised it. It might be necessary to take the Work Experience class to take that internship. Tuition costs about fifty bucks per unit. The flyer does not specify the hours. The email told me to come in for an interview at 9:30 Tuesday. Nobody bothered asking when I could come in. They/she has a big egoes

On the other hand whatever

It's the train station. Government internship. There are a lot of interns there.





Diversity and Unity Club


A different program offered me a phone interview next week or the week after. The website says the location might be outside public transportation distance. 32 hours a week is almost full time. Stipend. About 15000 bucks for ten months. meaninful social justice work

Too lazy to do much of anything

Especially lately


Counseling ends November

Aikido ends July






Feel like I could benefit from, a drill sergeant to manipulate me into doing something.

Join military






The former aikido instructor did not bow to me at the bow out. Everyone else did. This is not the first time this has happened. But it's like cost benefit analysis . He also did not walk with me to the train station. He walked on the opposite side of the street. He was on the phone.

He is a structural engineer. Master's degree. Public, high ranking school. Cisgender white man. Type B personality. High positive social energy.

It appears that everything almost comes naturally for him

Ten years ago he asked me if I had a high school diploma and I answered no

And if I knew what a ninety degree angle was and I answered no

Wtf

He didn't look like he was trying to insult me

But it's disturbing. The context

With all the talk lately about how much plastic there is in the ocean lately, I'm worried that "they" might even ban people from bringing plastic toys to the beach, because a lot of beach toys get lost or left behind. No more sand castles or beach balls or even big floating pink flamingos.

I'd like to have one of those big unicorns or flamingos to ride on, but I'd only really get to use it in in my parent's swimming pool, and I hardly ever get to go down for a swim. The water is either not warm enough or it's that time of month. But whenever it's roasting in the summer I always think how they have a swimming pool they can use whenever they want and I don't, and I can't just go to a beach or a public pool without transportation. It's so frustrating!

But maybe it's for the best. I heard you can get all kinds of horrible stomach bugs from bacteria in the water, and now it's resistant to chlorine. My parents now have a saline pool, but still...

There is one person in my life that I share my thoughts with.

I've gone back and forth with whether or not to talk to her, because I know what I say is probably very odd to her, but it's nice to have someone willing to hear my 'emotional dumps'.

She's been very kind and generous with her time, but after I talk to her I get very self conscious and worry about what she thinks of me.

I'm trying to get myself out of the war and back into The Kinks but it's much harder than I thought. It's hard to listen to songs about society when I'm a little angry at society.

Illuminati

Military

Buddhist monk

Peace corps

Americorps

What is on my mind right now? I would call it a vast nothingness

I think someone i know online has feelings for me. And i have no idea how to handle that.

Waiting for family social time to commence.

Some of the current counselor's statements often sound weird, vague, and misleading.

For example, when I told the counselor that someone had the nerve to scream "Go back to your country! I light yo ass on fire!", she said "I'm sorry" and "Is that ok with you?".

It's like, wtf "I light yo ass on fire" is a Mandated Reporter Law violation.

so what if it is not "okay with you"?

because it was not okay to the speaker, that I was living in the united states.

so, whose preferences take priority?

the counselor tends to tell me that every slightest thing is "an unfortunate thing that happened." she uses extreme words like "help", "hurt", "important", "care", "distress".

saying something is an "unfortunate thing that happened" kind of sounds like it implies that "unfortunate" things should never "happen".

but everything is fortunate, neither or unfortunate. you can't guarantee just the first two.

over and over i told her that i want to work on coping skills. so that when "unfortunate" things "happen", i respond efficiently, correctly, and in real time. as usual, she grunted "uh huh uh huh uh huh", but later, it became apparrent that she did not hear, comprehend, or remember what i told her.

she gets on my nerves.

"is helping people important to you?". it's like, what is the definition of "helping"? all she was doing was sitting around talking. and she expected me to treat her like she was "helping" me?

JROTC cadet peter wang. 15 years old. allegedly held the door open for dozens of classmates. he got shot and killed. school shooting. that. is. "helping people".

the counselor is over 60 years old. the insurance pays her 75 bucks an hour to sit around flapping her trap. the word "helping" is such a grotesque exaggeration, that it makes me wanna puke.

but then i wonder, maybe she is not as good as emotional coping skills, as her facade appears to make it seem like.

she told me "i have never seen you angry. if you get angry we will deal with it."

wtf?

anger is an emotion. anger is not an catastrophe or even an event. at least, not any more than happiness is an event.

there are five emotions: happy, sad, angry, surprised, scared.

anyways she acted like i did not know how to cope with anger

but maybe i reckon, that, like maybe i cope with anger 5% and she copes with anger 7 percent.

she acts like i cope with anger zero percent and she copes with anger 100 percent.

"holier than thou" attitude.

condescending.

furthermore it gets on my nerves how she says "what?" instead of "excuse me.". way too casual. informal. "what" sounds so brusque and harsh and calloused and abrupt.

Yep, first time a customer called me rude. Luckily no supervisor was around.

She saw that I was out of uniform, she was about to ask something- my first thought was to inform her “I’m off” which perturbed her.

Then, she asked a question I honestly didn’t know the answer to. I told her, “I don’t know, but somebody else can help.” Which is accurate. Then she said, “how rude.”

I didn’t want it to become a bigger deal nor know how to handle it, so I just walked away.

Didn’t try to be an ass, but apparently was and left before it could get worse.

Precious lil "people" talk and scream too loudly at the bus stop. Today someone was guessing others' ages. He told me I was under 18 and . And I am 35. Precious lil "people" are dead or something.

Nothing to do in "life"

Applied for jobs today, but don't even know where to look

No precious lil "friends". Even Facebook ones won't answer the messages.

I wish I was at camp singing something by Tool for karaoke like I did last year (this is the one I did), but instead I'm sitting around at home listening to Tool and getting electric shocks to my brain three times a week in a seemingly vain effort to make even the tiniest change in my crippling depression Still don't have the energy to do a whole lot, still want to bleed more often than not, still wondering if it wouldn't be a better idea just to kill myself rather than have my parents waste all this money on me when the best I can probably hope to be is a good-for-nothing layabout Can't handle a job at this point, don't know if I ever will, and am still coming to terms with the fact that I may never be able to live on my own, when I'd previously assumed it was a given that I would be doing so sooner or later.

Afraid that the unpaid internship contains bosses and co-workers that bully me

Feel like no motivation

Deal badly with change

Sloth

Withdrawn

Needing to talk to a Social Security agent about my disability benefits again, but am worried that I might get put on hold again.