What's on your mind right now?

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Ice cream

yesterday, went for a job interview. public transportation department. unpaid interview. twenty five hours a week. six weeks. it did not specify what type of internship. the interviewer said the interview was "good". he did not say that i was hired.

scheduled, for next monday, a phone interview. public service. (unity and diversity club).

yes it is a good cause. but it is 32 hours a week. and that is almost full time.

it said it has an office close to my jail cell. but that does not follow that i work in that office.

it's paid, but only a poverty line wage.

too many forms. IRS nightmare.

seriously wanna waste away the rest of my "life".

when i was nineteen (35 now), took a personality test called Please Understand Me. it listed 20 jobs that allegedly matched my peculiar demeanor. all of them required a bachelors or higher in physics or engineering. the academically easiest job on the list was civil engineer.

so, i ain't got the IQ score or the potential for the jobs that match my demeanor.

failure and rejection. over and over.

"life" was over when i flunked out structural engineering age 21.

"life" was not physically over. but in terms of "going nowhere", "life" was, for practical purposes, over.

brain feels all Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. got routines. preoccupations. do the same thing every day.

neuroplasticity.

feel so fragile.

applied for some internships lately.

but seriously. lazy. no motivation. cynical, pessimistic, angry, uptight, edgy, annoyed. jealous, resentment.

one thing is that, afraid someone will give me a hard time.

the other thing, not confident the outcome is worth the effort.

third thing, too lazy.

furthermore,

not all there

too far gone

lost cause

beyond repair

wounded

post traumatic stress disorder

dissociated

I read a copy of Common Ground at the library this evening. It's actually a very good magazine. I don't know why it took me such a long time to take interest. Maybe it's because I'm an emerging hippie and I find it interesting now.

there has never ever ever been, a person more pathetic than me.

Oooooh, that was clever.....

feel morally obliged to get a justified excuse/reason/explanation, to cancel counseling altogether.

for example: job. unpaid internships ok. volunteer jobs not ok, because there are so many of them and so easy to get.

counseling feels like it's just going around in circles.

the counselor acts so simpleminded. everything is either "good" or "bad".

it appears that the counselor (and almost every other counselor that i have had. out of 35 thus far. includes volunteer counselors). acts like she knows a lot more than she does. and she acts like i know a lot less than i do.

she does not know what neuroplasticisty is. she does not know what the big five personality traits are.

she is about 60 years old, so maybe she is just not updated on the latest trends. although you would expect that it is reasonable for her to read work magazines. especially since psychology is such a broad, field and fascinating to many that do not even work in psychology.

she did not know what Python or a TI 83 were.

she does not know how to say "excuse me". instead she says "what?".

If someone wonders what I mean by "explosives", I actually meant "Expletively Gibberish Hillarous Dialogues and Environment".

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

a classmate had the nerve to knock on the bathroom door too hard. he was rude and impatient.

the former aikido instructor did not bow to me during the bow out. everyone else bowed to me. and i bowed to everyone else. he acted nonchalant. this is not the first time this has happened. it gets on my nerves. (but, whatever). wanted to talk to him. he appears to have mastered the Theory of Multiple Intelligences. he appears worldly, wise, experienced, alert, creative, academically smart, socially adept. we both walked to the train station. he was talking on the phone.

someone dropped a box next to where i was walking. the box made a loud noise that scared me. he smirked, cheerfully. he acted like it was funny. (maybe someone else would have found it amusing).

it gets on my nerves, how precious lil "people" have so much energy.

a couple weeks ago, it finally dawned on me, that the reason why i feel uncomfortable around uppity precious lil "people" (high positive social energy), is that there are only five emotions. happy, sad, angry, surprised, scared . sooner or later, everyone gets angry. there are justified and unjustified reasons to get angry. so, if someone has so much total energy, then you could not fathom how they would respond, when they get angry.

the first uppity character that i interacted with, on anything close to a significant basis, (that i remember), was the Poetry/Drama teacher. eighth grade.

and i remember recoiling and feeling withdrawn but i did not know how to articulate why. age 13. it took til age 35 to come up with this epiphany/insight.

the other thing, is that sometimes, some precious lil "people" act like they have a moral right to be happy at all times. they act so entitled and self important. they act like they truly believe that they are absolutely perfect.

No-one seems interested in posting about computing-related topics anymore, even in the Computers etc forum. Very sad, hope this will soon change.

Looking forward to seeing my good friend today.

My emotional resilience has plummetted so low, I can barely do anything. It used to be higher

Got used to doing nothing all day long



Serotonin, dopamine, cortisol

Can't move forward

Could use drill sergeant

Wanting to finish my daily fitness routine in a quiet place where I can't be bothered.

When someone is biased in favor of someone else it honestly appears that every slightest thing someone else did , that someone labelled as good , is entitled to the purple heart award. Every time someone else has to put up with something that someone else does not like, then that must be a violation of someone else's rights

Precious lil "people" tend to be biased in favor of someone that is similar to them


And that, my dear Watson is the largest problem of being a "weirdo"

Hate being a special snowflake



It makes it harder to get ffriends and a job


And etc cetera