What's on your mind right now?

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LOL at some strangers.

Please, don't underestimate circumstances.



It's not my fault a person is born with a fragmented sense of physical self, and ends up in a world where kindness is expected because of appearances.

It's not my fault some fool remained long an anxious wreck after puberty, due to being constantly thrown in a wolves' den with little to no sanctuary to stay in.

It's not my fault that my current country's average monthly salary can be earned by a minimum wager in America for less than few days of working full time.

It's also not my fault that there are those conflicts exists and prejudices happens, and from where I'm where it doesn't.



In the end, I refuse to participate. Why?
It could be anything, really.
It could be fear, it could be ignorance, it could be apathy, it could be being aware of knowing nothing, it could be the conclusion that humans are hopeless, or that it could be because of ego and favoring the so-called 'winning' side that is being fought against.

Like it mattered though. The bottom line is that I refuse to participate. I have my own reasons, and that reason mattered naught -- same as another might think.

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today, started eating pretty well:

spinach, corn on the cob
epicurean tofu, asparagus, tomato
ate all the chocolate and sugar off dark chocolate Kit Kat. did not eat the wafers. tasted like sugar/sweet overload.

lo mai gai, minus the meat
joong, including the egg, minus the meat
one trader joe's whole wheat naan. tasted like a pancake. delicious.
two apples, one banana, one strawberry yogurt

five liter later

with the exception of the kit kat, it was good.

addicted to sugar/candy/chocolate/kit kat/twix/reese's. brain doesn't feel settled without it. withdrawal symptoms. codependence.

lo mai gai and joong, were tasty and satisfying. not nutritious (glutinous rice), but not too bad.

obsessed/preoccupied with eating.



today was "As Good As it Gets". no homophobia, no symptoms, perfect weather, no school, no work. nobody and nothing bothered me today.

but still, brain feels wired and weird. almost like ADHD. anxiety or something. cravings gone haywire.

35 years old, but still do not feel used to being alone. or something.



saw the former aikido instructor. he waved twice. he waved first. and i barely recognized him. thought he had a grudge against me, b/c he did not bow to be @ the bow out. @ least 3x. he was going the opposite direction and he was with his family. so did not get a chance to talk to him today. but whatever. who cares. "life goes on".



tomorrow, phone interview. job. 32 hours a week. ten months. starts september. 32 is almost full time. 15000 bucks for ten months. some unity and diversity good cause. . there are a couple locations. do not know which one i work at. do not know which hours it is.

appetite gone haywire. after lunch, did not eat more til got back to jail cell.

food tastes different. even apples taste sweeter than they used to. almost everything tastes a lot sweeter and more greasy/oily.

suspect diabetes.




some precious lil "person" let his dog off leash while i was stretching. almost scared me. some owners treat their dogs like daemons.

I'm sure that if I do the Mick Avory hair and wear all the right clothes, I can pass as male without a German helmet. Of course if I'm thinking of doing that for my mum, I'd be better off with the helmet.

I love Germany too much to be a full-fledged Mod.

Not until I have a stable net... It may take a while.

Sure. About 20$ USB with it's own sim.
Then, about 2$ good for 3 days whenever I need it -- good during day offs and holidays... A straight 10$ for a month is a no-no because I work full time and I would rather pay the part of the bills I'm paying.


By the way -- I only make about 3$ per (WHOLE) day.
Always taking out the 1$ from that would be the fare back and forth from work everytime. The rest is whatever -- food of my own, stuff I want or need, etc. Or straight into the deposit account as much as possible.

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Maybe I could be a Hippie Mod like The Monkees.

Animals... as usual.

Me, too, PurplePlumz! Especially cats.

I am also thinking about the health of a friend of the family.

Going up to campus with my mom later to fill out FAFSA and disability paperwork.

On standby. Not much to do today...

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That I hate getting mixed signals from people and just want people to just be clear and to the point for once.

phone job interview today.

he said "good" once and "awesome" twice.

a lot of static on the phone. phone got disconnected once. he sounded nice. but it was just half an hour. appearances often deceive.

the job description said thirty two hours a week. he said forty.

forty hours a week is full time.

it's for a good cause. but too much time is too much time.

just b/c something is for a good cause, does not guarantee it is worth an infinite number of resources. over and over, i tried to explain that to the current counselor.

"uh huh uh huh uh huh" she told me.

she acted like she got it.

but she's still stuck in black and white thinking.

furthermore, he also said that employees rate their top five picks for location. and the locations also rate the employees.

not everyone gets the top five picks.

the are just not many locations within public transportation distance of my petri dish.



"life" was pretty much over. going nowhere after flunking out structural engineering.

thirteen (13) years later, i still get nightmares about structural engineering. five hundred miles away.

after all those books and counselors, i still can't get over it.

oh well. so what, i can't get over it?

repression, suppression.

can't get an STEM job. too academically stupid

can't join military

army, navy, air force, marines, coast guard

reserves, active duty

officer training corps, E4,

zero, zilch, nada

wasting time as usual

looking for accounting, business, or (other unspecified) internships

waste time

waste $$, waste energy

awkward interactions

might as well squander

my "life" away

b/c i will never get a job that matches my weird autistic personality

no job

no "life"

no precious lil "friends"

neuroplasticity

losing connections rapidly

obsessive compulsive disorder

routines, rituals

do the same thing every day

do nothing difficult

lazy, hateful, annoyed, financially broke, angry

rapidly getting much stupider

if there were a way for graceful degradation, then a lot of people would already have done it. if it was so easy.

but there has to be some obstacle

otherwise everyone would already have done it

oh well whatever

cravings gone haywire

my "life" is pretty much over

gave up on work and precious lil "friends" a long time ago

every day is just internet and waiting around for the next meal

devour, treat, gorge, relish, delicious, tasty, hungry, withdrawn, hateful

Blood is what's on my mind right now - blood, blood, and more blood. I don't know what it is about the sight of my own blood, but something about it creates a feeling in my brain like nothing else I've found - a sensation I really enjoy, and that makes everything else I have to deal with just vanish in the moment, and keeps me feeling better for at least several hours afterward. It's the only thing I've found that works as a coping mechanism at all for me, and nothing I've tried can replace it - it's the blood I'm after, not the pain, and things like coloring with red marker, dripping red food coloring, or even seeing someone else bleed do absolutely nothing for me - at least a significant part of it is knowing it's my blood. I just want to bleed - to bleed away all my problems and negative feelings, to just start bleeding and not stop, to just keep watching the blood run down my skin. But at the same time, I don't really want to die, which is ultimately all that would result in.