What's on your mind right now?

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I'm much more alert than yesterday, and able to read my book with clarity
Sleep is a beautiful thing.

I'm glad you slept well. Did all your buddies sleep well, too?

Yes, thanks. We are all refreshed except my dog seems to have another ear infection(s). He seems under the weather today and is scratching his ears. I have a remedy but will wait and see if he perks up.

On my mind: finishing my book because more are due in the post tomorrow.
I'm also reflecting on a crazy story about Mary and Percy Shelley which I read last night, involving cemeteries.

Did you read "Frankenstein?" That question is on my mind

No, I haven't started. I've been so busy / tired this week I am still reading The Cambridge Companion. I couldn't focus my eyes yesterday. I aim to finish my book by sundown so I can move on.

On my mind: How bemused Emily would have been at all the academic interpretation / deconstruction of her writing.

Hopefully...she would have been amused, and not rendered a hermit (like J.D. Salinger).

Take a 30minute stretch to get my joints in a more flexible status.

Ashe also won the US Open in 1968. He was an amazing character.

People...
So many of them have no sense of proportion, from which I infer more than one thing.

Mossy rose galls

Nobody to talk to

Nobody to email

Sooner or later, with one exception, everyone has stopped indicating that they ready Facebook messages

Every when it says they read it, they do not answer

When they answer, the answers follow a pattern



Then when they say "sorry" when I tell them something bad happened, that is not their fault I feel guilty for complaining

Besides, sooner or later, bad things happen

Some precious lil "people" act like they have a moral right to be happy all the time

But there are five emotions and happy is just one of them


happy is not morally superior to angry

anger is not a catastrophe or event . At least, not any more than happy is an event








Exhausted yesterday


Do not know why


Nothing unusual happened or anything


No enthusiasm



Feel like lying down all day long

I like life itself and it's fickleness, but I don't like this world and it's fickleness.



Was that contrary?
Was it really that bad that my mature self and immature self couldn't get to resolve themselves?
When will 'my'selves 'merge' when neither would compromise?

My mature self is right, but my immature self is stubborn.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

"life" is "As Good As it Gets". no school, no work. almost no homophobia. weather decent. health decent. almost no menstrual cycle. room and board. and et cetera. nobody bothering me, usually. live somewhere not too homophobic.

but "life" is boring. (maybe b/c not enough homophobic precious lil "people").

nothing to do all day long.

do the same thing every day.

feel like gorging every day.

jobs won't hire me.

either the job is too difficult and i do not know how to do it. (incompetence)

or any old monkey, including myself, can do it. (too much competition).

and everything is like, so what? and then what?

emotional roller coaster

nothing seems to matter

lazy, due to cowardice, apathy, (fine). but usually, things that look good do not turn out that great. and things that look bad do not turn out that bad.

for example, the grammar school secretary told me that it was a "very good thing" that i got into Gifted and Talented Education. so what? so i could take GATE elective in sixth and seventh grades? (and eighth). it's just one class. read to kill a mockingbird, dragonwings, a separate peace, great expectations

all that time, i could've taken Computer Science instead. (and should have too).

and then when i flunked out structural engineering it was like Five Stages of Grief. kubler ross cycle.



but then it turned out, like whatever.

someone told me he got a BS in Aerospace Engineering from UC Davis ten years ago. and he is not doing that great financially. and he is not the only one either.

at the time, i wanted to be just like a Civil Engineer that i knew. (schoolmate's dad).

but he was a skinny smart handsome cisgender white man. neurotypical and all that bs . alpha male already. civil engineering was just part of the alpha male package. not the whole thing . he was homophobic too.

so. if i got the degree i wanted, i would not have been just like that particular Civil Engineer.

instead i would be, more like myself right now, except with that degree.

so what?

then what?

who cares?

feel like gorging every day.

appetite gone haywirre.

35 years old.

feel like, "life" has passed me by.

and i am a failure.

and i am no good.

The End.

Dead end job.

dead end "life".

"going nowhere".

sisyphus



read a book called Front Desk about a ten year old chinese girl, mia tang.

in anaheim, california.

her immigrant parents run a motel. she is the secretary. it is awesome thus far.

Fake internet persona