What's on your mind right now?

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In my reality, it's not just 'me'.
In my reality, everyone is.

In my reality, it's not me being put down by many.
In my reality, everyone is being down on themselves and futility behind their optimistic smiles. They accommodate themselves in hopes to be, even if they expected not to.

In my reality, it's not me being a vulnerable target in a wolves den.
In my reality, everyone can be a victim -- be it a sheep or a wolf. It mattered naught where or why.

In my reality, it's not me being weak.
In my reality, it's everyone in chains and is afraid of taking them off. Surely they stare at awe to those who broke their own chains, but they remained scared.

In my reality, it's not me being unlucky,
In my reality, everyone is unfortunate. Had even seen their harshest of truths behind their greatest stories and smiles no matter how they appear to thrive.

In my reality, it's not me who wanted a prayer.
In my reality, everyone is in need whether they do about it or not.

In my reality, it's not me who had the woes in the world.
In my reality, everyone woes silently and I regard mine naught.

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I get so nervous at work about getting fired. But already got fired a lot of times. So whatever.

Kind of cool to work at the Maintenance Engineering department

So what if I am not a maintenance engineer?

My boss isn't either. Boss's boss isn't either




Nothing to do on days without work


Sit outside and loiter






Everything seems random, pointless, meaningless, superficial

Work, diet , "friends", ghetto riffraff,




Precious lil "people". Favorite words:. Disrespectful, cool, rude, mean, people, what, huh, want need, like, can you, I can't, help, hurt,





They are "paucity of content'

The current counselor had the nerve to put "paucity of content" on the insurance form.


Wtf?

She didn't know what a TI 83 or Python was

The previous counselor did not know

percentage body fat
Sole proprietor
CPA
Dojo





Those idiots say "uh huh uh huh uh huh" : but they are not listening. They are not receptive

75 bucks an hour to sign around talking? Maybe I should have been a counselor




"Actions speak louder than words"


The current counselor (and some of the previous ones) act so morally innocent. Like they have never done anything wrong before. Then they act like they are my heroes.

Wrong


They act like they dragged my worthless corpse out of a burning building


They did not take a risk


It would be different if they were to have protected me from homophobic precious lil "people". (Fine). Yes, talking serves a function. But talking only goes so far


Counselors (and almost everyone else I have interacted with,) act like every thought and emotion that goes through their head is the latest greatest scientific invention. And then when I say the slightest thing, they half listen and squeak "what?' like that is the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me"


Written contract before counseling starts

What each party will and will not do

Edna, that was beautiful. I learn so much here. Keep it coming, everyone

Tor Erling Staff died

He was a very famous lawyer in Norway (prolly one of the most famous ever , besides Lippestad who was terrorist Breiviks lawyer) , he often supported bad guys/other low lifes until proof of their guilt was given thus he was a controversial character

He was also more or less pro pedo , for example he insinuated that what the "Pocketman" (famous serial pedo in Norway who cut holes in his pockets so kids could fondle him) did was not really that serious (TV host Skavlan was flabergasted by this statement btw) , in fact the same happened to Staff himself when he was 12-13 yrs old......so Staff was certainly controversial.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tor_Erling_Staff

Cathy Lynn

You're welcome

Although, it does not make sense to even contemplate the question, would you rather be rich or smart . Because you do not get a choice.

Unless something really weird happens I will never be "rich". Nobody is going to marry me. Noone to inherit from. And I do not gamble or invest in stock market.

"Smart"? Some articles claim that clinical depression has the same MRI brain scan as brain damage. The definition of "smart" is vague and subjective. But, dualism . It does not make sense that everyone could be "smart".

Someone "smart" is smart until they get stroke or something like that.

Some diseases and drugs cause weight gain.

Events such as car crashes sometimes cause deformity.

But, short of those occurrences, someone skinny smart and attractive, will always be skinny smart and attractive.








Someone ugly fat and stupid, needs plastic surgery, liposuction, and magic to fix or change or improve.


Anyway a lot of women my age appear to eat a lot more than me. And they are much skinnier.


Your intelligence is always getting higher, the same, or lower


You can't guarantee just the first two.

A counselor told me, you get smarter untill you are 80.

Then take an IQ test. It ain't happening.

Exhausted after work. Every time.

Working in a warehouse

Sick Building Syndrome

It was just sorting nuts and bolts. And photocopy

Nobody was too enthusiastic or dramatic

But still feel braindead

Thus I am so weak. Physically (bench press). Temperature (always cold and usually tired). Mentally slow.

Could quit the job

Internship

But it is only six weeks long

And this is the third week

And Fridays a workshop

No work Saturday

Work Thursday 9 to 5

The bosses boss told me that from now on I sit. Around doing spreadsheets

Whooptie do

Maintenance Engineering

She asked ", what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Answered "accountant"

But I am 35 and finished menopause as of last year

It is too late to sit around fantasizing

Autistics and transsexuals have a disproportionately high unemployment and underemployment rate

And I am both

Furthermore I have no particular job skills




After 2008 recession there were plenty of unemployed and underemployed scientists and engineers

Accounting is boring

But obsessive compulsive disorder

And adrenal fatigue

And no skill and wrong personality for exciting jobs

Too far gone


One large brainfart

Can't concentrate

Welp, I can't remember if I left my food at home or on the bus. Guess it's one of those days. I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise when people say they worry about how I would handle being alone. Crap.

I feel like a horrible person for being jealous of my childhood friend..

Someone once said to me that what they liked about me is that I am my own person, not sharing the personality traits of either parent. I wonder just how accurate that is, as there are things I choose not to display.

Wanting to get back home before the weather becomes too much to handle. It will become 95 degrees later today.

Once upon a time, a 10 year old me used to envy my friend neighbor's popular classmate because of how she talks about her...

Of course I got over that fast. Yeah, she said that said classmate is the prettiest, smartest, richest, and most popular of all at their school. Great social status too, she came from a family full of doctors and her father is a governor.
How I got over it?
I imagine that kind of life. Of being talked about. Of being sought out. It made me realized that, I, in particular, don't like being talked about -- either for good or bad. And a life of one of those elites -- expectations and all those crap.

Perhaps I've been jealous too, because of how that neighbor friend of mine would do anything for that popular classmate of her's.

.. Only to find out soon that she's a lesbian, and fantasized her as if she's her girlfriend. I backed off real quick. Not because my friend neighbor is a lesbian who opened the closet on me, but because she particularly fancies someone.

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