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whadya mean? nothing to do? you read. you make thoughtful posts here. evidently, you're friendly to folks on the bus. there was a time when the only recent accomplishments i had were returning a dropped shopping list to a grateful fellow shopper and leading a lost girl to the service desk so her parents could be paged. i allowed those things (along with the fact that all human beings have worth just because they are human) to justify my existence.

Hmm... I noticed earlier while I was out with a group of people getting food, I took longer going through the menu than usual because the conversations going on around me were making it a bit difficult to register what I was reading.

Cathy lynn

When two or more precious lil "people" at the bookstore are talking, the slightest amount of time and the slightest noise, I can't concentrate. And I am too intimidated to "ask" them to stop. They might overreact in an insulted way.

Even in the best case scenario I can only read certain books for so long. Feel like ADHD

Wrong planet, internet addiction. Phone doesn't always work. Do not always have a phone. Posting only does so much. Posting should not be an addiction.




The riffraff on the bus that said he earned 19 bucks an hour as a janitor and security guard, was not talking to me. He was talking to someone else. He sat behind me. He and almost everyone else, talks way too loud. Wanted headphones to block the noise. Sensitive hearing

Hardly ever talk to anyone. Especially nowadays

Almost everyone acts like every thought and emotion that goes through their head is the latest greatest scientific invention. Then when I say the slightest thing they half listen and grunt "what" and "huh", like it is the etiquette equivalent of "excuse me"





Trying and failing to move forward in "life"


Jobs and internships keep firing my worthless corpse






Feel like almost all the jobs that will hire me, already fired me. Almost all the schools that will take me, aleady expelled me. Precious lil ", friends" dumped me a long time ago. Almost exhausted all the bathrooms within public transportation distance from my jail cell





Nothing cumulative or productive to do in "life"


Barely even have hobbies

Not good at anything




Gave up on "life" a long time ago





Regret not enlisting in the military when I was 18

Meaning, purpose, camraderie

Fort Leavenworth

Uniform Code of Military Justice

Court martial

Dishonorable discharge

Rape

Involuntarily reclassified to Food Service Specialist

Medical Evaluation Board

GI bill

PTSD

Improvised explosive devices

Injuries

Death

Deployment

Sleep deprivation

Not enough time to eat

Meals ready to eat

Getting yelled at

Wearing uniforms

Extreme weather

Sleep in foxholes

Flunked AIT

Red tape government snafu

Racism sexism homophobia



If I were to have joined the Army maybe I would know how to deal with"reality"

Or maybe I would have gotten a Bad Conduct Discharge

And then could not find a job and end up homeless and panhandling

And injured with no VA benefits



But oh well whatever





The military has a wide range of MOS

Not just artillery, combat engineer, infantry


But Admin, Human Resources, Finance Specialist. Motor Transport. Clerks. Musicians.


But "life" feels like it has no direction, goal, meaning, purpose


Ain't got no $$, goals, meaning, "friends", friends, jobs, nothing cumulative





Reading and the internet are just time wasters


They are not on Maslow's hierarchy of needs

Unless your job involves it


What job will hire my worthless corpse,


Academically stupid, vocationally incompetent, socially awkward, emotionally fragile, physically weak


Got canned a lot of times

No STEM degree





Ain't got no future


Should have joined the Army


Promotion pretty much guaranteed

Stable job. Military does some layoffs, but nothing like civilians

Discharge for convenience of Government


Some civilians treat the military like heroes


But not all servicemen beers deployed and not all SM work at combat MOS

The military employs some civilians





Maybe I am too hard on myself

But maybe others are not hard enough on themselves



if you can't beat them, join them

Thinking of reading more of the novel I started on.

Cat.

Preparing myself for a semi-annual teeth cleaning that won't be for another hour from now.

Cathy Lynn

Bachelor , Cognitive Science

Associates, Accounting

But seriously I feel so far away from fully alert that I doubt I could do much of anything

In terms of a job



Even an unpaid internship




But even outside of work, I can't do much of anything

Brain and body feels weak, tired, slow, exhausted





Or maybe I am too hard on everyone, including myself





All the gigs on Indeed.com , sound kind of random and meaningless

Can't work full time

No way Jose



Can't drive to work or at work

No Great Plains, Peach Tree

A couple of internships that I have had, fall under accounting

Blizzard.

Love, tragic and otherwise.

Cathy Lynn

Some parts of Cognitive Science were fascinating . Mostly Psychology. The Neuroscience and Programming portions were not fascinating

Some accountants earn a lot of money, relative to social science and humanities majors fine .

But usually those accountants have Bachelor and or Masters in accounting and or CPA. They are better than me at computers. They have years of experience. They are neurotypical and cisgender. And etcetera




Brainfog

Don't feel like doing anything




The ultimate goal of martial arts is, allegedly, perfect character .

But what is perfect character

The perfect character for a psychologist is different from the perfect character for a CIA interrogator

You can't measure character

Correlation vs causation

Boy Scouts sounds like it could improve moral character

But a lot of things could improve moral character

can , should , and Will are all different things

ROTC might improve character

Dealing with hardships could improve character

Hardships such as military, disease, disability, social rejection, dysfunctional family

But Boy Scouts has homophobic roots

Boy Scouts and ROTC have political biases




Feel exhausted


Today I was sitting outside on a bench and eating Reese's sticks. Tasted like sugar overload. Ate the whole thing. Should not have done so



Addiction, attachment





Feel like could use military boot camp


basic training


Discipline

Otherwise I won't move forward in life




Structure

Parameters

Limits

Belonging


The current counselor is way too Doctor Spock



She's reflective, not directive

It feels good , usually, to talk to her

But doubt that it will feel good in the distant future

Sculptor

Waterslide

songs from a long time ago

Cathy Lynn

Some articles claim that in California, they do have peer support specialists

The training takes about sixty hours

Almost all of the jobs that I have had, made me redundant, soon after hiring

It appears to me, that my personality disorders would make it harder to obtain and keep a job as a Peer Support Specialist , than to get a job in Accounting

And I already have a Associates degree in Accounting




Peer support specialists

I could not fathom the customer service complaints





It is not the counselors fault that I am not motivated to apply for jobs. Nor is it her their fault, racism sexism homophobia discrimination in work. Nor is it her fault I am not vocationally competent in STEM fine . Nor is it her fault I got made redundant




But just sitting around talking. "Unfortunate thing that happened" this "sorry" that and "homophobic" this and "wish it didn't happen" that.




Way overboard

Maybe she (rightly or wrongly) thought that I would have fired her, if she were to have told me to get a job (fine)

But the insurance stops paying for counseling, as of November this year



At that time I will be just as unprepared for the "real world" or "reality" as I was, before counseling began November 2016





But maybe she doesn't know how to prepare me for the future



Or maybe it goes against HIPAA to prepare a client for the future







But I doubt it