What's on your mind right now?

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The Hoard.

The hobojungle

it's perfectly okay to get angry. emotions aren't right or wrong. they just are. there are good and not-so-good ways of expressing anger. saying, "i get angry when you hug me without warning," is great. calling someone insensitive or a jerk or hitting them is not great. the silent treatment is also unproductive and unnecessarily hurtful.

Boo is so cute.

Thank you for the commiseration, Kuraudo777, cathylynn, and kazanscube. It does help to be reminded that I'm not the only one who doesn't need near as much social interaction as the average person. It's just frustrating when I keep having therapists, even, insisting that all I need to cure my depression is more social interaction/close relationships. At least I'm done with the intensive outpatient program I was doing, where the instructor was trying to push that on me.

What is the maximum amount of water that I could drink without fluid intoxication, vomiting, unpaid medical bills, anything drastic happening, or stretching my stomach (the way competitive eating contest )?

Doctor Benjamin Spock, child care

Spoiled upper respiratory class brat

Prescription windshield

Waterslide

Going all the way over, on a swing

How to feel less emotionally repressed and fragile

Occupational therapy

Speech therapy

Applied behavioral analyst






Nothing to do today

No plans for the rest of my " life"


Only three more counseling sessions


Then the insurance stops paying for counseling


Goals

None

Lazy

Fear of failure




Today the security guard at the community college had the nerve to tell me "hey young man,. Go that way". But I had not done anything wrong, or done anything at all

He pointed to the door

He was not emotional

Should have argued

Because I am an alumni

Student ID

But too tired

Annoying

It's the concept

As usual precious lil "people" can just flap their trap a couple of times and I get a major inconvenience



Because I was trying to go to the bathroom

On the weekends there are not many public bathrooms nearby






Trying and failing to move forward in the "life"


Failure failure failure

I'm afraid that what I truly am is the stereotypical "Robot" that people said autism is, emotionless, don't care about anything, and selfish.

I'm rarely angry, sad, happy, excited, etc, most of the time I'm just there and seem emotionless. When I talk to people and they tell me something, I really just want to say "I don't care". When I do things I never know why I do them, it seems like I only do things because people told me that's what I'm suppose to do(such as going to college.)

If I give somebody something, did I do it because I care or because they asked for it? Whenever I think about my life, future, goals, what I want...it's just blank and I want to just say "I don't care."

What if I truly am just an emotionless robot who doesn't care? I feel like I'm an android from Detroit: Become Human except I can't break the barrier to my programming(whatever that might be.) or I can't recognize if I broke it or not. The only emotion I know is fear...

My mind is full of cotton

Thinking of depositing a check, so long as I can't make it without too much trouble navigating the bus route

Getting ready to go to a social event at my school, even though the new school year will begin on Monday.

no hope left

just gorged. went way over. past two and a half weeks, gorged, every single day. one to seven extra servings per day. today was much more than seven extra servings. feel bloated. but enjoyed it.

thus far, scale indicates zero weight gain. suspect scale malfunction. some diseases cause appetite increase/weight loss. diabetes, osteoporosis. finished menopause at age 33, early. and diet not high in calcium, protein, vitamin d.

past two and a half weeks, felt heavier (proprioception). but that could be mistaken.

do not know how to measure if scale is accurate. that is the only digital scale that i have access to.

anal retentive, obsessive compulsive

nutrition foods cost $$ and take time, energy, and skill to cook.

usually i only gorge when something is bothering me. getting on my nerves. plenty of things are always bothering me, but nothing new.

feel like giving up. even wasting one to two daily hours, max, in the library on the computer, applying for jobs, is stressing me out and making me want to gorge.



4 serving naan, 4 serving tortilla, 1 rice roller (plus 4b)
two yogurt (minus "L")
two serving fish (plus T)
one and a half serving chocolate (plus half "s")
plus two pear, plus two serving broccoli/celery/snow peas (plus four)

(plus 8 and a half servings). cold f**k. that's by far the most i have eaten in one day, since around age 24 or so. paranoid of weight gain. fear menstruation.

my body naturally is not smart, attractive, or skinny. any attempts to make it otherwise, are a constant battle against nature. waste a lot of energy, to get the slightest result. with plenty of strong side effects.

everything is useless and meaningless and stupid.

wish i was a skinny smart handsome cisgender white man like mister redelings s**t.



some child told me i "walk funny". (correct). but why does it matter to him? some precious lil "people" talk too much and too loud and there are way too many of them.

simpletons.

but i don't defend myself b/c you don't know who has a gun.

"life". is. stupid.

past one year, walked sixty one to eighty six miles per week. measured on a map to three significant figures. digits. not a guess, approximation, or exaggeration.

i can't even do the easiest thing, in the best situation. how am i going to do hard things in worse situations?

i am such a special snowflake.

structural engineering, autism, homophobia, clinical depression, my precious lil "parents" destroyed my "life".

and i am 35 years old and there is no hope left. (or only a negligible amount.)

my heart feels emotionally stifled and blocked.

could use counseling.

but the counselor just says "uh huh, uh huh uh huh", "what", "unfortunate", "sorry", "most people", "help", "hurt". she is such a simpleton. just like almost everyone else. it takes a lot of time and energy to phrase my thoughts in words. my thoughts are so weird and complex.


the counselor had the nerve to tell me " ' mad' is slang for 'angry' ".

wtf?

the counselor made it sound like, i was correcting her grammar.

the word "ret*d" used to be the official term. later, "ret*d" became a playground insult.

right now, there are other politically correct words to refer to "ret*d".

when today's politically correct euphemisms become playground insults, then there will be different euphemisms.

the euphemisms are just words. collections of letters and sounds. they have no magic, mystery or inherent meaning.

but keeping up with the euphemisms shows your competence and attitude. especially for on duty professionals, in that field. for example, the psychotherapist.

and i had to go all the way to the Recycling Center to get the dictionary to show the counselor. the library's dictionaries can't be checked out and i did not know where else to get a dictionary.

the counselor did not believe me when i told her that "mad" did not mean "angry" in the dictionary. the counselor could have just looked it up on the phone. (or is that against HIPAA).






and i had to waste all that time and energy, just for one precious lil "person" and one word. but there are plenty of words and over seven billion precious lil "people". and she did not say "thank you for helping me. anger is just an emotion, not an event or catastrophe. happiness is not superior to anger. what a sophisticated and wise perspective you have. to think - i have been psychoanalyzing clients since before you were born, and not once has a client told me that 'mad' does not mean 'angry'."

maybe she should get her counseling license revoked for incompetence.

she still acted like she was doing me a personal favor by saying "angry" instead of "mad". wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.

" ' mad' has a negative connotation for you. "

not "for you". in the dictionary.


it reminded me of how, 12 years ago and five hundred miles away, a civil engineer that i had a crush on, had the nerve to tell me off when i told him i was trans (not cisgender). he yelled at me , out of control. later when he calmed down he said "you want me to call you (male name)"? "ok".

wrong wrong wrong.

he made it sound like a personal favor.

that was not a personal favor

if you want to do me a personal favor, please do. but that is not a personal favor.

it makes me wanna puke. it makes my stomach and heart and head hrrt just thinking about it.

he thought "gender" and "sex" were the same.

she thought "mad" and "angry" were the same.

he was a civil engineer, fifty years old. great personality, handsome, skinny, and appeared nice and normal.

she is a psychotherapist, sixty years old, appears nice and normal. masters degree in psychology.

while i am just a slobbering idiot. a public nuisance.

and i correctly told him the difference between "gender" and "sex" and he did not believe me.

and i correctly told her the dfference between "mad" and "angry" and she did not believe me.

f**k mister redelings.

f**k jeanne courtney.


makes me feel like "trust versus mistrust".


both ass holes appeared as trustworthy as precious lil "people" can get. but they were not trustworthy.

makes me feel more introverted, withdrawn, reserved, edgy, uptight, hateful, annoyed, autistic, disturbed, dissociated, distraught, apathetic.

I hope my emotions sort themselves out by the time I wake up tomorrow morning.

my puter's misbehaving.