What's on your mind right now?

Post Reply New Topic

"life" is going nowhere

For over three weeks, gorged every day

Emotional overeating

Between one and eight extra servings a day

Scale does not indicate weight gain

Yet

Checked two different scales

Do not know what is bothering me


Something is always bothering me

I am not always gorging



I am just not survival of the fittest


My personality is not adaptable

Emotionally fragile, mentally slow, socially awkward

How I could have survived 35 years is a mystery

But whatever

Quality versus quantity

"Life" has no meaning or purpose

I must get going, though shall return to WP tomorrow

The potential difficulties of working on two book series at once...

Wondering if it would be better, for me, if I get more counseling or stop altogether

Almost all counselors (35 , professional and volunteer) thus far, have been way too dramatic.

Too many "what"s and mishearing and "miscommunication"s

Some were pretty condescending and judgmental

People hating other members for no reason. People who think they're the only ones here who have problems.

I've had enough of people saying stupid and hurtful things.

Only got one friend , and that's from aikido

She appears to understand me, a lot more than anyone else . Thus far

She has a lot of interest and hobbies:
Aikido, swimming, rock climbing,
Skydiving, drawing, multimedia, billiards,
Volcano, Yosemite, depression support group, chess, cats, cooking, archery



The aikido instructor moved to a different state two months ago

The other friend hardly ever returns the email




But I don't want to exhaust them, so I do not initiate interaction






The current counselor acts so innocent

She twists my statements in ways that are not incorrect, but vague and misleading

Black and White thinking

Indulgent




Muscle spasms and tremors

Parkinson's

Huntingtons

Maybe I have a condition that prevents me from relaxing

Idiots in aikido don't know about it

So they condescendingly and impatiently have the nerve to tell me "relax your shoulder"

And I want to scream at them "I'm trying. Please go slower, arrogant ass hole!"

But maybe the instructor will ban me

But whatever

I haven't paid $$ and should not be wasting $$ on aikido when I do not even have a McDonald's burger flipping job

Besides it has been over ten years and over 450 lessons

If I have osteoporosis or something, the danger of fracture to the wrist, spine, hip , high


And I ain't getting better

There is no such thing as "perfect character"

The character for a psychologist is different from the character of a CIA interrogator





"Life" going nowhere

$$ running out

Health getting worse

Homophobia

Nobody will make the mistake of hiring my worthless corpse and when they do, it's fired


Feel like exhausted almost all of the options


Went to a lot of bathrooms already


Not much left for me to do in "life"


Wish I joined the military

Hero

Stolen valor

Respect, belonging , purpose, meaning

A couple of weeks ago, the Wednesday morning aikido instructor had the nerve to bring an off leash dog.

At the time I was lying down stretching

And didn't see the precious lil f****r til he/she/it got too close

And I started screaming

The instructor said something like , he won't bite and he just wants to say hi

It's like, wtf?

Then she put him in the car

As a personal favor to me




I could just imagine, if the dog gets heatstroke, she's going to file a civil lawsuit against. Me for murder


Entitled dog owners have "rights" . The right to be conceited ass holes

While I have zero rights


Not even the right to continue living






Nobody gives a rats @$$ about me, as usual

Appetite gone haywire
It's been 24 consecutive days and gorged every single day

No weight gain thus far

Poor Denali

Weird, how you can dream about things that are highly improbable to happen

A lot of people claim that homophobic people think they are perfect and everyone different is bad and wrong

But that statement does not make sense, because plenty of gays think they are perfect, and they are not afraid of straight people



Trying to research what the law says about, what if I unintentionally run over a pedestrian. And the insurance rightly or wrongly assigns me fault. And the pedestrian wins a civil lawsuit. Could I lose my house?


Ever since seeing a woman get struck by a car on Monday, been constantly uptight edgy scared suspicious and paranoid

I'm wondering why there seem to be no videos of any kind anywhere on the internet of Christine Blasey Ford speaking, lecturing, etc prior to the hearing. I tried filtering back to the year 2000. Nothing. I want to listen to her voice prior to this year.

I don't think I'll be using The Kinks for an avatar for another 4 months. I'm too much in love with Germany. I love Germany more now than I've ever loved England. I played the part of the Cockney Rebel to protect myself from my relentlessly normal mum. I also did it to impress my dad and wow my sister. As for wowing my sister, it didn't work. I reminded her of Schultz.

The current counselor , like almost everyone else that has ever interacted with me, acts totally simple-minded

Everything is either "good or "unfortunate"

"Disrespect", "rude", "mean"

"You don't look like you would hurt anyone"

That is a weird statement

Unless she's psychic, telepathic and a stalker, she has no way to know who I "hurt"

Especially since "if it hurts it's hurtful"

Carbon footprint, food chain

Living things have to hurt other living things to remain alive

She says "what" instead of "excuse me"

She acts like she knows a lot more than she does

She doesn't even know what Python and TI 83 are

Her nursery School vocab makes me wonder if she is that unsophisticated, or if she just thinks I a not sophisticated

"Felt bad" , as it you should always feel "good"

"Distressed" means "extreme pain"

There is no proportion to her

Everything is a soap opera theater



Maybe I should not have had to bring a dictionary.

That's like a nuclear physicist saying "1+1 equals 11". And then I brought an abacus. And then he says "1+1 equals 2 for you"


She acted like she did me a personal favor by saying "angry" instead of "mad"

She acted like it was a really big personal favor


But I did her a personal favor

"Hurt" is the wrong word, but she had a negative impact on. Me





She should tell all her colleagues what I taught her

Not just she, a sixty year old b***h, should not use "mad" anymore

"Anger" is just an emotion, not an event or catastrophe

She acted like anger is a catastrophe

And that makes it sound like she is much less competent than she acts like

It also makes me wonder how well or badly she handles her own emotions







She should get her license revoked for incompetence

Thinking of posting career resumes to local employers and employers of where I wish to relocate within a 24 months time line or sooner..