Make an extremely dark joke.

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I've heard that when someone offers to walk your dog you should be careful because they might want to wok it not walk it.

Why was the antivaxxer's two-year-old toddler crying?
He was having a midlife crisis.

Politics

Flat-Earth people. Although, unlike antivaxxers, their beliefs don't *appear* to be endangering human life.

How do you end an argument between two deaf people?

Shut off the lights.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.

Why are people always asking "Would you kill baby Hitler?" instead of "Would you raise baby Hitler so that he's grow up into a better person?"

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.

She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."

She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:

"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.

Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.

Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."

There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.

A new page appears.

It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."

That probably got that newscaster lady into...

megadoodoo!

A busload of ugly people die, and they all go to heaven. While waiting in line to get in, they are told that God will grant each of them one wish because they died so tragically.

The first person steps forward and says, "I've been ugly my whole life. I want to be pretty." So God grants her wish. The next person says the same thing, and God grants their wish too.

This continues for each person - all of them ask to be pretty one by one. About halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. Each person continues to wish to be pretty and by the time the line gets to the last person, he can barely compose himself.

"What is your wish, my son?" God asks him.

Finally catching his breath, the last man in line says, "Make 'em all ugly again."

Passenger on a ship: Who is the guy jumping and waving on that little island?
Captain: I don't know, but he's always very excited when we pass him.



One morning a priest found a dead pig on the road. He called the police and told them.
Cop: I thought you took care of the dead?
Priest: Sure, but we always call the next of kin first.



A couple were discussing euthanasia, and the husband said that if anything happened to him, he wanted her to shut off all the machines keeping him alive. He didn't want to be on his back getting nutrients from a bottle.
The wife jumped to her feet, turned off the TV, the computer, and poured the rest of his beer down the drain.
Women are quick to make decisions of life and death.

Politics

Poly ticks

Lots of blood sucking creatures.

Say what you will, but at least ticks are appealing on some level. I will take Lyme disease or even death over politics any day all day long.