I confess.....

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I confess that my life is utter crap right now

I confess I just eat a whole bag of doritos in one sitting.

I confess that I want to work at a Bingo parlour.

I confess that I never want to go thru my adolescence again.

I confess-I am sad today.

You can tell me anything, SeaBright.

I confess I crave a cherry and cranberry muffin from McDonald's.

I confess that I wish I was evil.

I confess that in grade 1 I stole tokens and blocks and chalk and stuff from school.

I confess that I stole wooden chickens from school.

I confess that I was too nice to tell people that others were bothering me so I let them and some people thought I was dumb or being dumb or dumb about that.

I confess I want to burn my school down.

I confess I would help you if I was there with you.

I confess I would stop you.

I confess I want to take 50 fluoxetines at the same time.

It was chilly on the way home from work; the Jeep thermometer read 27, well into the realm of coldness needed for ice. The roads were apparently dry, but had a sheen of frost on them; they glistened enticingly in the many sodium vapor lamps that line the way home. Rounding a corner onto the lonely two-lane road that twists it's way between Squawk and Cougar mountains, my Jeep lost traction and fish tailed just a bit; black ice.

I was then struck with a strange compulsion; I wondered if tonight was my time to finally be free of this life, to die and move on to something different; to finally be free of the never-ending struggle and pain. It brought a strange tingle up my spine, the thought of dying in a spectacular wreck on a dark, cold mountain road. Before I realized fully what I was doing, I noticed I had pressed the accelerator to the floor, and the engine was roaring away, pulling me along; I was not worried; I was simply annoyed that I could not press the accelerator down any farther than it was; I wanted nothing but to go faster and faster...

Every twist and turn, I hoped I would fly off the road, slam into a tree or a boulder or a utility pole or a ditch. But it kept not happening. Every time it didn't happen, I felt a twinge of disappointment. I was tempting fate; not trying to kill myself, but not really wanting to live all that much either; whatever happened, happened.

A raccoon ran into the dark road just in front of me. A slight swerve to the left, and I would just miss it; a slight swerve to the right, and squish. I confess, that just for a split second, I wasn't sure which way I wanted to swerve. In that same split second, in a parallel thought I realized that that raccoon was very much like me, and I was it's fate. Circumstance had placed it in a position where the line between life and death was razor thin; and I was that line; I was that raccoon’s fate at just that moment. And still in the same split second, a third parallel thought entered my mind; the thought that I was beyond the raccoon’s understanding and control; and I wondered if there was something pulling the strings of my own fate, something there but just beyond the range of my own perception, my own understanding...

I swerved left, and missed the raccoon by less than an inch. And, apparently, I made it home unscathed. It seems that tonight was not when I was meant to die. There is, of course, always tomorrow...

Good fortune,

- Icarus sometimes tests the fetters of life...

I've wanted to take 30 citaloprams at the same time, but it might have a very very unpleasant effect; take another fluoxetine and then go and look for some non-lethal stimulants and go to a club or something.

Or not, if you really don't want to.