What's on your mind right now?

Post Reply New Topic

phuqing backache. @#$%! !!

Another typical crappy, overwhelming day in the mental hospital. The building and patients are going to overload my senses again.

Cracking knuckles makes fingers sore. Addicted. Could have side effects

Even under the best case scenario, feel like gorging

SSRI

Tired of doing and eating the same thing every day. But obsessive compulsive disorder

"Life" going nowhere

Wish I never went to college

Especially. UCSD

Feel heavy.

Too many things to hate

Nothing to do all day long

Can't stop thinking negative thoughts

^I'm feeling the same today. I keep crying, my mood is constantly on and off. I can't help but feel negative and everything in my life is negative. Well the Best thing is to think i'll all end someday any way.

My several year old NEC 22 inch CRT failed this morning.

The first thing I noticed this morning in the office was an mild odor of something electrical burning. That isn't unusual since I fairly often pick up odors that aren't there -- usually either something electrical burning or of wet burlap. Normally nobody else can smell these odors.

There was also some crackling noises.

I put the monitor on a cart and took it up to the conference table where a couple of people were drinking coffee to confirm that was the source of the smell. I could barely smell it, but they could smell it very strongly.

The monitor is now sitting in the alley. I'll take it over to the recycling center later. Fortunately, I have another just like it -- when I bought the one, I bought a second to run a dual monitor, but I haven't used a dual monitor in a while.

Ultrasound of my lump is scheduled for Friday. I guess that's probably when I'll find out for sure what it is - I hope. I really just want an answer, whaterver it may be.

sometimes i feel like almost everyone has confidence not proportional to competence.

they act like they are so morally innocent, smart, wise, cool, and special.

they act like they are morally superior to me, just b/c they do not understand me. (unconscious incompetence).

"are you okay?", the wednesday morning aikido instructor had the nerve to ask me. she let Fido off leash. it came charging at me and i was screaming. almost hyperventilating. at the time, i was the only one in the building within fido's field of vision. and i was lying down stretching. "are you okay?". no. you put your dog on a leash. leash law. not act like a Good Samaratan. and i should not have to say "thank you" either. she should've left fido in the car, not in the building. the someone could've fallen on and injured the lil f****r. some people are allergic to dogs.

"are you okay?". wtf does that mean? and if not, then they "help" you. everything that could "help", they either can't or won't do. no authority. not willing. and if they "help", they "help" one teaspoon worth of "help", and demand one gallon of gratitude. for example, the previous counselor.

making comments about my appearance, facial expression. clothes, hair, IQ score. no



precious lil "people" act like they have never done anything wrong before. morally innocent lil attitude

homophobia

sometimes an apology is necessary. but often an apology is insufficent. they should not act like "sorry" fixes everything wrong they did.

someone thought the kit kat i was eating was weed and wanted to buy it from me. someone thought the twix i was eating was drugs. top down processing . selective vision /

The elections.

The idiot that lives at the dojo had the nerve to tell me that "you need to bow in"

"Need"? How condescending

What a big ego

That was over two years ago and still no forgiveness

Maybe my body just does not have enough dopamine



"Life" is going nowhere

Rules for the next counselor:

Carrying on diplomatic tasks regardless of the chaos of parliament

Jingle.

Trying and failing to better posture

Trying and failing to eat less chocolate

Even when things are "As Good As it Gets", still want to gorge

Lost cause
Too far gone
Beyond repair

Reasonable expectation and goals




When I was 21 and flunked structural engineering, seriously considered shooting myself with a gun




35 now

21 to 35 was not as bad as imagined. Health decent. Room and board. Almost zero homophobia.

But not necessarily worth living for





All the jobs I qualify for, all the other ghetto lil riffraff, also can work at

Restaurant, retail,vsales




Breast feel large and heavy

Tired of slouching

Too lazy to sit up straight


Compression vests not enough support

Sports bra better

I'm doing what I can to choose to be happy. But, I can't be unreal.

I'm feeling an urge to message someone who's no good for me. But i don't feel any better than him right now.