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Feel embarrassed and vulnerable and exposed. Look like a woman not a man

My friend went to coding boot camp. Monday to Friday, 9 to 6. Yesterday networking event until 9. In a different city. She still came to aikido 7 am and did not look tired.

Sleep efficiency

Sleep deprivation, makes it hard to work a job



Eating too much as usual

Bad habit

Don't even know why


Doomed


Breasts feel large and heavy

The life I'll never have.

Watching the YouTube Itzel Simental, I'm hoping (kind of) that her Mexican accent will rub off into my Spanish.

She is not the Rin to my Sesshomaru.

I meet the quota of applying to jobs.

Whenever ppl talk about how lousy their job is I keep thinking about how once upon a time being drafted was 'more of a thing'; suffering is not a competition.

'Take your kids to work' day seems more laughable now.

I've had it with my college.

I am back into the suffering and self-hatred. Every time I feel depressed I can guarantee you it had something to do with my college.

This graduation project that I was working on was not done yet, I pulled an all-nighter and stayed awake until 8 am to work on my video but my computer just started freezing and stopped functioning properly. This was all three days prior to the presentation date. I messaged my teacher and told him about my solution. I then spend the next day working on my solution which I had finished to the point that I could present it. The only thing I wasn't prepared with was the audience, as the presentation was free to attend which meant there wasn't a guest list.

My solution was to change the hallway into my train of thoughts but I forgot to contact the theatre about it and also the teacher.
I had finished the entire thing from start to finish. It had a script, set, audio and even equipment for the sound and visuals. It was the last day and didn't get approval for my hallway idea as they didn't want people the move out of the stage. They also kept mentioning if I was prepared for the audience but how was I supposed to know when you couldn't even predict how many people would attend the show.

But what bugged me the most is how they kept telling me that I should work out the idea WHILE I HAD THE WHOLE THING FINISHED ALREADY!

They also kept mentioning how I'm always late or never coming to them for help. If my laptop didn't freeze nothing would've gone wrong. I told them that I sometimes feel like they are looking down on me, even saying that out loud made me feel so insecure that I quickly added "in my head" to the end of the sentence. I got a lecture about how I need to get past that feeling. I also got some compliments about that I am worth it and that I have done some great things like my concept since it was the highest grade.

I know I should be happy with that and not complaining but it bugs me that, every time I open up to my teachers and tell them that I'm not feeling well that they instantly try to cheer me up or come up with solutions instead of telling me that they understand how I feel or "that's a pity" or something like that. Also one of the reasons I find it hard to come to them for help.

I think that and the fact that they kept talking about my new concept in a doubtful tone and don't know that I'm actually much further in the progress with it than they think as they kept telling me to take some time to finish my already finished idea. If only I got the approval to use the hallway there would not have been a problem, I understood why I got it, but still. (I got an angry "you really want to know that?" when I asked about the reason afterwards)

Also, the teacher was unavailable throughout most of the day and all of this was over the phone, I wish he was there at the moment I cycled 40 minutes with my back hurting from the speaker and projector I was carrying along with the entire set of my project.

Why is that my wishes involving huge but very subtle things happens more often than single or even less but more notable than subtle even happens?

Silly as it sounds, I wonder how possible it is to tug fate's thread by doing something relatively irrelevant, or influence something so near yet happening from a distance?

I don't mean a literal interpretation of chaos theory or butterfly effect in a sense. Ok, maybe I somewhat do.
Except I don't have to flap my hands for a tornado to happen somewhere else. But I would rather pace around just to stop some storm from ever forming any bigger.



So, so, silly... It's laughably stupid to many, I know. I'm very aware of how absurd this is, so no need to be sardonic about it.
And no, even if I like the idea, if it's possible, for me to use those.. 'Wishes'.. For my own benefit, then what, 'wait' for a 'jackpot' in some pre-determined future?? That would be unfair, and I won't play life that way.

But seriously... I question my 'karma'. I don't question where my 'punishments' came from, but I question where my 'rewards' came from.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Thinking about the impact it has on me to read the words of others that so much resemble my own emotional state and experiences.

If drawing is 'learning to see'..

I got through sharpening a pencil with a 'craft knife'(?)/'x-acto' knife of sorts. Interesting to hold a tool which is 1/6 as terrifying as the stuff at a workshop for the class I have been taking on Tuesday. The 'voices' and reminders I've heard of ppl cutting themselves went through my mind while sharpening a pencil...>~< ... ._. I feel bad thinking that I might be ashamed of having known ppl who went through such experiences. I don't know what to think of having known ppl who went through such experiences.

To 'counter-act' such thoughts I thought to myself how the craft knife might resemble a surgical tool for making incisions and thought about Black Jack instead. I got through it but it's f---g annoying how there's no limit to my brain self-blaming itself.

It took me less than 20 minutes to do it.

No it's okay. Do tell me how you look down upon me for a stammer. I do like to see the transparency of your jacka-- ableism for a position you can one day find yourself falling it. But when you make conjectures about my character based on location, you can p---s off. I won't, I refuse to fuel the jacka--s flames of your Trump empowering a--s via voices. So f---k you b/c I won't feed into a war which legitmately causes so much terror in ppl's lives.

---a thought towards certain callers from when I worked at a call center.

___

B/c goodness knows how an ugly an auditory face can be. B/c goodness knows how unappealing a voice can be.

When..

Isabella,

I sometimes think about the life I will never have but I never thought, years ago, I would be doing some of the things I'm doing now.

"life" is going nowhere, unless I drastically change my personality, in a way "most people" like.

That is unnatural and not "be true to yourself". But practical



Brain totally out of it. Even in best case scenario, constantly feel like woke up in the middle of the night. Need eight hours sleep minimum s**t

Usually do not want to be around anyone

Idiots have so much energy. Trader Joe's cashiers have commented on my ripped credit card.

It's like, wtf?


b*****s never s**t the f**k up


"Most people" are lil dips**ts. They act so innocent and entitled.

Hate being called a "girl" or "boy"

35 years old, ass holes

Hate hearing "what" and "huh?"

Insomnia and fear of nightmares