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whats black and white and read all over?...ohh it doesnt work when its written

i'm wearing corn on my shirt.

it's a crop top.

What did one plumber say to the other with creepy papyrus smile and all-caps papyrus font text to the Sans guy? (mario is sans face and luigi is papyrus face)

"I HOPE SHE (PRINCESS PEACH) MADE LOTSA SPAGHETTI!"

What did the pirate say on his 80's birthday?

Aye matey

Two women had a girl's night out at the bar without their husbands, and both got really drunk. Later that night they were stumbling home when they both suddenly had to desperately go to the bathroom. They happened to be walking past a graveyard, and in spite of their fear they decided they couldn't wait until got home. So they crept into the graveyard and hid behind a couple of headstones to do their business. When the first lady was done she used her panties to wipe herself and then threw them away, but the second didn't want to ruin the fancy expensive panties she was wearing so she grabbed a bunch of leaves and flowers from a wreath placed on the headstone and and used that instead. Then they both stumbled home.
The next day, the husbands were privately talking to each other. "I think our wives were up to no good" the first one said. "When mine came home late last night she was really drunk and her panties were missing."
"That's nothing" the second husband said. "My wife had hers on, but there was a card inside the back of them that read, 'We will always remember you'!"

What's under there?

Under where?

That Depend's

Say I and spell cup.

Why is my computer asexual?

Because it doesn't have a sex drive.

what's orange and sounds like a parrot?




....


a carrot.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?



Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!

"Doctor, doctor! People keep insulting me!"
"Get out of my office, you stupid idiot!!"

"Doctor, doctor! people keep ignoring me!"
"Next!"

"Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains!"
"Pull yourself together!"

"Doctor, doctor! I've been sleeping like a baby!"
"But that's good."
"No it isn't. Every hour or so I wake up and cry!"

"Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a dog!"
"Lie down on this couch and we'll talk about it."
"I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture!"

"Doctor, doctor! I think I'm losing my memory!"
"That's okay. Just try and forget about the problem."

What is heavy forward but not backward?

Ton.

Why are the Milwaukee Bucks such a unique team?

They're rather Pachulia.

Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?

The lettuce was ahead, but the tomato was trying to ketchup.

Doctor doctor, I feel like a suit!
-Don't be smart with me.

Doctor doctor, I cannot pee!
-I will have to have you referred to hospital for surgery to open your bladder up.
I wouldn't want that - I don't want anyone taking the piss out of me!