What's on your mind right now?

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I am thoroughly displeased with my insurance company's policy on limiting the number of migraine arrester pills I am allowed each month. (She said as she lay awake with a migraine that ought to have been dealt with yesterday...)

Two things for now;

.. How am I going to 'loop' this again without cutting it off from the main thing?? I wanna chain.. Flower 'Chains'...
But instead, whenever I have to enter a chain 'piece' I couldn't seem to.

Instead of this;

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Football has been messed up by capitalism and the CL being money obsessed rather than trying to be fair to all countries but if I say that people will think I'm being anti-English.

I don't know if I fancy L or not so it's probably best I leave it for a while. Just an absolute admiration type thing. It's the confidence.

I need to be thinking about tomorrow and I'm not and the few times I get stressed about tomorrow it's all about what people will make of my hair!

I'm writing a poem about my dad, at last. It will take a while to write as I have to work through the emotions etc.

Why are most people mean..

Waste less time and energy thinking about methods to phrase how much you hate precious lil "people"

Because it is not on Maslow's hierarchy

Unless published

Hobbies, goal, job, friends


Sometimes articulation is neither necessary not sufficient

For what purpose




Healthy, productive, functional





Idiots think with their feelings

Logic is not superior to emotion

But emotion does not replace logic

And idiots act like it does





Idiots have authority

Idiots have $$ and big ego



And there are a lot of them




Vague, sometimes is necessary

But being too vague, is claiming too much authority


For example, "you make people uncomfortable with the way you dress"

The statement is too vague



Is correct

But I also make people uncomfortable when I continue living



Everyone is comfortable, neither or uncomfortable

There are seven billion people in the world





The implication was that, precious lil "people" have a moral right to be happy at all times and whenever they are not happy, someone must have violated their stupidass "rights"

Thinking about how much AT&T sucks.

Iceland

Whatever happened to the guy who got caned in Singapore?

Boobs

Vehicle navigation systems

Abandoned olympic venues

I'm trying to figure out how much of this gossip to spread with my chaidre. I don't want to be seen as weak or have my information everywhere but I do want to get back at him.

Family social time.
There will be cake.

some idiots are so manipulative. they use vague wording to claim way too much authority. for example, "rude", "disrespectful" and "mean" are ambiguous. sometimes ambiguity is necessary, but precision of language .

you can't measure "respect". anyone can say anything is "disrespectful".

my stupidass "life" is going nowhere. outside STEM no jobs match my personality. nobody will hire my dumbfuck worthless corpse. plenty of worthless people with no job skills have jobs. they are called licensed clinical social workers.

neural pathways, neuroplasticity. it's only getting rapidly much worse.

logical fallacy

"people do it all the time". that's so easy for amy lee scheel b***h to tell me. it took a couple years for me to articulate, the solar system contains more defendants convicted of murder, than Nobel Prize Physics winners. the activity with more participant is not necessarily more morally justified."

most lil dips**ts have teasponn size thoughts and vocab.

i have pint size vocab and gallon size thoughts, so i am at a loss for words.

idiots are simpleminded. including counselors. especially counselors.

"maybe he had a bad day", the counselor told me. maybe he had a great day, and otherwise he would've shot me with a gun.

"bad day" is so vague. you are not a stalker so you don't know if he had a bad day.

"you are ok the way you are. people should not hurt your feelings".

nobody is "ok" in all ways, to all precious lil "people" for 35 years. you are just "ok", at that time, to that counselor.

anything could "hurt" anyones feelings.

someone screamed "go back to your country!" at the bus stop at me. so i "hurt" his feelings by living in united states. there are seven billion people. everything "helps," neither, or "hurts" someone's feelings.

when i continue living, i "hurt" peoples feelings. doesn't mean (necessarily) that i should commit suicide. (at least, not for that reason).

just b/c someone "hurt" your feelings, does not mean they violated your stupidass "rights".

berkeley animal rights center's website said that, "animals have a right to be happy". what the flying f**k? even the commander in chief president trump does not, have a "right" to be happy. nobody has a "right" to be happy.

you have a "right" to remain silent.

CIA interrogator

prisoners of war





easily misinterpreted words such as "Deserve" , "should", "people", "right" (as in entitlement) often get used the wrong twisting manipulative way.

for example, ass holes have a "right" to be homophobic and say "fa***t". but that doesn't mean what they are doing is "right".

at least two counselors, jamie adair and jeanne courtney, had the nerve to tell me that, the reason why some people are homophobic , is b/c they think they are perfect, and everyone different is bad and wrong.

wrong

some gay people also think they are perfect and they are not afraid of straight people.

wrong wrong wrong

"show your work"

just b/c you get the correct answer, doesn't mean you had the correct method

for example, in physics class, you can't just copy the answer off of someone

the problem has twenty steps

partial credit

error propogation

hebbian learning

if you make a subtraction error in the second line. everything else you do, is error propogation. everything else you do is absolutely wrong, even if it is relatively right correct

partial credit

Something new to try...

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That old neighbour hated this song

The neighbour who threatened me.

Still gonna play it ffs.

Don't worry, this is a skippable content that may bore the heck out of you.

I'm no optimist, but I know I have a real chance of overcoming things that most autistics are plagued with.
Why am I posting this? For now I'm in a certain mood that assumes some people would be rolling their eyes whenever I say that my only issue is the root of issue. Parts of me could care less or worse, but a part of me who wants to justify it all just screams louder tonight. So I'm going to say my piece just for now.
This ain't a brag, and definitely not a dream of hoping. There were real physical differences, there were sensations involved.
And there are accounts from others -- the difference between me with issues from times I don't.

In my perspective, I was able to see the bigger picture. I was able to see the flow of timing and able to predict if I could do this or not. I was able to get anything done, even if my mood says I'm lazy, even if I'm bombarded by distractions like constant sneezing and outside stimuli. Then the weird sensation on the front of my head at the left side... I feel 'awake', I sense no fogs blocking the view, I sense no overwhelm. I felt good...
Instead of throwing a fit of frustration and confusion, I was calm and collected. I was able to channel my emotions properly. I was able to process stimuli I kept perceiving as chaotic and turn it into a huge advantage. I was able to recall all my life's experiences, all my knowledge, able to put it into a good use and I can express them 'properly' without the feeling of forcing myself to cater others. I have a lot of energy, I have greater stress tolerance...

I was in control, and feel free. FREE I'm telling you all!!..

From an outsider's perspective, I don't seem like some clueless child. Or some pissed off person. Or someone no one is certain how to approach.
No, instead, they start perceiving me as if I'm really mature. Younger coworkers start looking at me as if I'm their elder sister, clients following my lead, my own boss being my equal...
I was in control of the social atmosphere, everyone enjoyed it and I did too. I don't mask, I just do as I would. Everyone saw this, some talked about it. It was no dream, it's no fantasy nor a delusion, it was something that really happened. I will never forget those days.
Not even the best autistic actress can pull off social success in rapid succession and lasts for days.


Then... People go asking, where did this person came go? That reliable person, that person who could help others grow, that person we definitely want to be with.
So, how would I 'summon' this side of me again? Let's see... I don't do meds, I have no special diet, the weather isn't consistent, I don't have a strict screentime, my sleep isn't regular. And yet I woke up on such state, for no clear reason.
That's why... I keep on insisting fixing something.

That side of me is trapped, not by autism, but something that commonly plagues autism.
This side of me is autistic still, it just happened to able to physically handle autism for what it is -- enough processing power and speed to handle the things that autism takes that usually supposed to overwhelm, confuse, and distract... Therefore dysregulate, produces more uncertainty, and all the issues causing it.
The reason why I didn't ended up with learning disabilities when I might've, was because I grew up able to handle my own autism a bit and my learning priority.
If I didn't have symbols for a priority (that special interests in secret languages, graffiti letterings, those name signings, and unique symbols paid off more than I thought it would be), I might've been passed off with a learning disability if not greater difficulty with anything symbol related would be stunted since early elementary. I was already highly compensated to begin with, since my own case of autism isn't innately NVLD/dyspraxia-like, and is innately on the less verbal side of the spectrum.

And no, I don't have this condition that mimics autism underneath these deficits. I tried seeing it, even the possibility of being an NT -- it doesn't fit. I'm not an allistic growing up believing autistic either -- my 14 year old self already went with this whole issue. I would've known, except it's not the case so far.
Then there's ADD with anxiety -- my own perfect model for an allistic mistaken for female autism and vise versa. ADD didn't made sense since childhood until quite recently, anxiety didn't made sense for most of my life either. So it left me with clues that I could pick up on my own.
Otherwise, whatever issue I'm fixing here was supposed to happen before age 3-5, where my earliest memories already points that I'm different to begin with and left unnoticed.

You can judge me, for accusing me no different from deniers and curebies. But I will always say that you're wrong. I will never deny the existence of 'LFAs' nor see autism as either inferior nor superior. I don't advertise curing autism, nor tell anyone to do the same -- all I expressed is MY own chance of getting rid of comorbids.
I don't care if others won't believe, and if this gives others hope then I hope they know what they're doing. And if someone got a warning, worry not, I know how to listen. But I prefer paying the price of pride, I prefer crying over it than someone trying to save me from whatever price I'm going to pay.

If my humility is realized and resigns, then thanks. But if my pride wins, then watch me fall. Laugh or sigh in disappointment if you will, it's a price I'd look forward to.

But you can never deny -- that humans, if they knew it's possible, with enough motivation, they will pursue that greener grass on another side of the posture. I'm not doing any different.



So yeah... That's just my overly long explanation why I know I have a chance. A real chance to not have EF issues and the existence of my competence. All the means, all my intentions, all the things I wanna express so badly... A real chance of happening.

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To be honest, but I have no idea right now.

When will I quit caring what people think of me who aren't 1 doing moral judgements or 2 hot girls or 3 my mother?

Yesterdays counselor correctly told me that, if you don't ask someone to stop doing something, they don't know

Nonverbal communication

Social norms

Law

If you do tell them, they might do it less often (appeasement), the same (ignore) or more (provoke)

Knowing lil dips**ts like Amy lee scheel b***h

Pattern recognition

It's hard to imagine she would appease

But I am not precognitive or telepathic


speaking figuretively
"Lying"
alternative definition ("male")
Exaggerating
mistaken
joking






Philosophical

Useless, unless published




My only friend is so f*****g dramatic



She makes everything like a rollercoaster ride





Door to door salesman job

He asked "where were you born?"

Answered

"Cool cool cool"



No that is not "cool"



Illegal question

Videocamera


Grooming the victim

You don't control where you were born

Ass hole





When I was 21, a biology professor had the nerve to accuse me of stealing his visor


Even after I found the cheap piece of s**t, "have a nice day"




No "thank you. " Or "I apologize"



Makes me paranoid

Paranoid personality disorders


That visor was just a couple of dollars
He didn't call 911 or lawsuit
I found it



But I didn't say or do anything that could reasonably sound like I wanted the visor








It's like someone could lose his car. Or car stolen

Lawsuit

Jail

The petitioner hires a prosecutor more skilled and expensive than, the public defender


And "guilty" verdicts

And jail


Judges and juries are humans, with biased, felony conviction, and mental illness.


Just like everyone else





Autism makes it easier to get framed for a felony


Just like, if someone tries to steal my purse, it's a competition of skill

Morality does not affect impact effect the outcome


If they win, they get a purse. I lose a purse


If I win, nothing happens


They outnumber, outsmart, overpower me



Install videocamera everywhere


Some videotape, not admissible in court


A priority


Sometimes defendants get framed and sent to jail


Hung jury



Wrong verdict


Sometimes two defendants get convicted of the same, felony. One gets six month jail. One gets twenty years jail


For example Brock Turner


Plus in jail, I am vulnerable

Autism
Trans
Depression
Size
Friends
$$$$$




Willy loman


Death of a salesman








There is nothing to do all day long



Nobody will hire my worthless corpse s**t



A chiropractor wants a working interview


But trying and failing to research, is that legal


No temp agency



The b***h hasn't even met me yet


"Beggars can't be choosers"

A career counselor said that, job interview is like matchmaking. Not like panhandling

Only if you have as many, job offers, as the employer has, applicants


For someone without job skills

And only worked minimum wage jobs


And autistics, personality disorders


It's like a stab in the dark




The world is a torture chamber


Not a playground



There is nothing I want to do anymore

In "life"




Everything takes too much effort


Even if it's good, it ain't worth it



Zero potential


Exhausted all the options

because its in english doesn't mean the same culture,
shills, oh its shellfish?


exobrain vs exoskeleton?