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-If ducks say "quack, quack" when they walk, what do they say when they run?
-They say "quick, quick!"

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Why does Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese?
He wants to make America grate again.

My wife heard a meow from the fridge.
She asked me to check.
I opened the fridge ... Out jumped Kitty..

How is she said, my wife.
Fine, I said, she was just chillin.

The human race is the biggest bad joke of them all.

Two Canadian kids were horsing around with each other.

One said Pop
The other said Pee

What institution doesn't give out degrees?

Electoral college

They're not going to run buses any longer.
Why?
Because they're long enough already.

Why shouldn't you date a tennis player?

To a tennis player, love means nothing. (I don't believe this literally. The most successful ones do know what love is.)

What do you call a pair of cats from Thailand?

Siamese twins

What article of clothing come from dogs?


Pants

Person 1: My dog can talk!
Person 2: Really?
Person 1: What do you call that slanted thing on top of a house?
Dog: Roof!

(this one is even worse)

Person 1: My dog can talk!
Person 2: Really?
Person 1: What do you call that rough stuff on the side of a tree?
Dog: Bark!

Allergy medicines fog the brain, but the regular exercise tennis provides will clear it, which proves that Denis Istomin is better medicine than an antihistamine!

One week-end a lady knocked on the door and little Danny answered. She was asking for any donations to give to ill or frail people. Danny said yes, and he emptied out all the food from the fridge and gave the lady 3 boxes full.
"Does your mummy want you to give away all the food like this?" the lady asked.
"It was her idea," Danny replied, "this morning when I asked if I can have something to eat from the fridge, she said 'no, it's for the weak'."

(In case you don't get it, the mother meant the food in the fridge is for the week.)

It's a little known fact that when the Titanic sank that it was also carrying a cargo of mayonnaise imported from Spain meant to be delivered to Mexico. The jars of mayonnaise were expected to arrive there on May 5th, before the tragic event occurred. And that is why, to honor the victims and the loss of a popular sandwich spread, the Mexicans have a holiday every year on May 5 known as Sinko de Mayo.