What's on your mind right now?

Post Reply New Topic

Less than 3 years ago I lost my home; pretty traumatic; went through my savings while I looked for a place.
Then, 2 1/2 years ago, I was delighted to move in to MY dream home, a 21 foot rental trailer, pets allowed, fenced yard; PERFECT!
I was told at the papers-signing that in 2-2 1/2 years this trailer park was to be bulldozed for a big condominium complex.
So, I applied for an apartment not far from here and got the phone call yesterday that I have been accepted; I will move in in February!
I have such mixed feelings; this has been the happiest home in my life; I do NOT want to leave, but when the time comes, 49 households will receive 30-day notices and we will all be looking for/competing for rentals in the area.
I know I must get a place NOW, and I thank God that I have somewhere to go, but I am missing my beloved trailer already.

Permaculture

Fragile

Vulnerable

Weak

Middle Ages

Middle age, didn't accomplish jack s**t

Excuses

Reason

Fear

Ball and chain

Executive processing dysfunction

Friends

Hobby

Nothing to look forward to

Black hole

Vortex

Wind tunnel

Vomiting

Whatever

Going nowhere s**t

Love

No potential

People randomly changing, ignoring and being cold towards me. I can't stop feeling left behind and i no longer want that. From now on i will not pretend to be a friendly person. I will be cold and reserved with everyone.

there should be no governments. if there was no government, this would give the population a chance for themselves to think for themselves and educate themselves and teach each other some self control, respect and creativity, rather than numbing their brain via divided governments with twisted agendas who turn many people against each other.

That program that I applied for that was supposed to hook you up with a job coach to help you find a job and was bragging about having a one hundred percent employment rate for participants? Yeah, I finally heard back from them, and the reason for that hundred percent employment rate is that employment is actually a requirement for the program. As in, I can't get in at all if I don't have a job. So much for truth in advertising. Now I have to decide whether I think I'm up to working (the last time, with even just a part-time job, all the stress and stuff wreaked havoc with my mental health and landed me in the hospital four times within a year) and whether I'll be able to handle moving to a new place and handling a lot of things myself that I'm not used to doing while also maintaining a job. Plus there's the whole job finding process - last time it took me six months to find even a low-end part-time job that "everyone" can get, and I only got that because they were desperate for employees (as in, my boss was often asking me to cover extra shifts and even asked multiple times if I knew anyone else who wanted a part-time job). Although I suppose I can try to find a job coach without the help of the program, I think I'm going to have to if I want to have a place to call my own by the end of 2020. Either that, or go back to my prior plan of just diving into the deep end and hoping I don't promptly hit my head on the bottom of the pool and give myself a concussion and a broken neck. I don't like all the hoops we're having to jump through for this program when I don't even know that it will help at all, I'm very tempted to just ditch the program out of anger. But what I really need to do is calm down and give this some proper, rational thought.

everything and nothing.

the meaninglessness in this world.

for the above, i'm not saying i have a non-evil personality like i'm an angel.

i also looking back realize a couple of people i was mean to (in my heart idk if it came across), or talked badly about in a sly way, trying to change the conversation...


i was genuinely envying how they could just be at ease and understood things and were 'pure' - like, they didn't need to mask for people to get on with them...

I have this weird idea... Of making a rival out of myself. But it's not just some idea, it's a more tangible kind.
Since love and contentment won't just do, nor do pride and wraith -- no, I want something I can do all that at the same person.


Unlike fictional characters, they're fictional. Easy come easy go. It's silly to pretend this person exists.

Unlike ideal and dream version of selves, they're just projections and they're just an idea.
No supportive data to back up that these 'ideal' selves are even realistic or had certain consequences. Heck 'ideal' selves are deemed 'unattainable'.

Unlike real characters, I never walked into their shoes and I never been in their heads. I'm not simply allowed to assume things about them just because I can.


No... My biggest rival is the me who is not being a nuisance or a problem to anyone.
This rival-me is real, not some imagined and projected persona. This rival-me had interacted with people around me, had worked in my work place, had did everything I did.
This rival-me is essentially me so I'd know what's in her head, her likes her dislikes, her hopes and dreams, how she functions, what she sense and judge, etc... I'd know how she'd like to react, I'd know what she's supposed to know.

Unlike anything and anyone else...

Yes... Perhaps I'll try this. I never had a rival before.
I'd express true envy, obsession and hate towards this person... I'd also express unconditional love, trust and compassion towards this person... This person can do the same towards me.
Even if we're essentially the same damn person.


Yep. Crazy. But let's see how long it'll last and if it ever works.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

posted for advice on another forum about something. feel quite 'raw' and ashamed now. they didn't make me feel that way, i just feel hopeless at social stuff

And then I go to check on my crested gecko and find him dead