What's on your mind right now?

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I want to get high, but I can't even afford an energy drink right now.

So I added few details to my year's overview;

Another thing I found was that I actually have at least around 5 recallable dream nights per month.

No colleration between my reproductive cycle and the lunar cycles.
Or my sleep quality. Or how well I woke up the night after. Heck, there were even dreams during nights that didn't even felt like sleep.
Or how often and how well I meditate.
Or what kind of food I ate during the day and night.
Or what were my moods are during the day and how much was in my mind at night.

Still, I'm not satisfied. And there's a lot of missing variables there.
Sigh.

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I’m finding the transition to elderly difficult and confusing.

I'm so tired of debating as academic exercises things which exist in the real world with people who want to treat it purely as an academic exercise.

It's frustrating.

Because their opinions are so based in theory, I wonder whether they'll ever change their pov.

It's esp frustrating cos I can see that's it - when my opinions were pure theory, I agreed with them. But you have to live in the actual world and it shapes how things get seen.

I'd like to get into boxing. There's a local place where I could learn, but I don't know if I can afford the classes. I really want to do it though. I wonder if I can rearrange some things and make this happen...

Weather is changing; NATURALLY I had some items, a blanket and a sheet and 2 beach towels, out to dry.
Wet now

Whoever thought up the idea of putting large chunks of sea salt in chocolate: it doesn't taste nice, it tastes shite.

What movie to watch on my phone next through a free streaming app.

The transition from young to middle-aged has been a bumpy road for me.

Long story short; I'm not fine.

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Missing; at least trice the details and content.

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Christmas presents wrapped -check
Custom tags attached - check

I find myself annoyed at posts and articles on supposedly pro-autism sites/channels which boil down to "Autistic person does completely normal thing". As in, it would never be news or remotely interesting if the person doing the thing didn't have the word 'autistic' tacked on them. Especially when the thing in question has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with autism.

I need to get dog food today. I think while I'm a therapist the store, I should buy a dozen eggs. I want an omelet, and I'm feeling brave enough to eat eggs this morning.

I'm wondering what happened on Sunday morning that made me want to get high. I wasn't myself on Sunday. My mum told me on the phone that we won't be having a family gathering this Christmas. Let's just say that I didn't handle it with the Anglo-Canadian stiff upper lip that Mother tried to raise me to have. That's it! I can't keep calm, I'm German therefore I cry. I did for a minute or two. Back in the 2010s, an energy drink was my stiff upper lip. I've been staying away from those for a few years. I'm not adopted, either. I took after ancestors on my dad's side who didn't bear my British last name. It happens all the time. Talk about being raised the old-fashioned way. I was so confused that I thought I WAS in England until my entire school sung Oh Canada during our first assembly of the year when I was in Grade 1. Thank you, mum.

Let's see...

Hmm... It's just one of these nights.
Not a negative kind of night.

But just one of those funny nights where I do sorts of things while everyone's asleep.


Let's just say, at that very moment of my decision involves me getting triggers -- by inducing injustice with a movie.
Totally willing and I know what I was getting myself into, so I let myself be susceptible and scrutinize everything I see relevant.

And yeah, it worked.
Now I feel and thought of injustice, most especially at the very end -- in which involves that particular scene, the physical sensations associated with anger, the indignation that hides the inner sympathy of wanting to alleviate one's suffering...

Then I held injustice.
So I turned down the television and wash some dishes.
I observed and studied these thoughts and feelings of injustice, as if I was studying it like an object...

On the surface, very impersonal -- didn't attached the whole thing to me -- but then I sense buried underneath those facets, personalized reasonings and dissonances associated with my personal sentiments.
The core as to why it is triggering me in the first place.

As time goes on while I studied this emotion and thought, other thoughts come in while I was doing the dishes;
Be it my daydreams, memories I kept recalling or other thoughts that may or may not be... I kept holding onto injustice.

I tried to reason with it. Some just numbs the whole thing, others just triggers another emotions, and some attempts of tying injustice to less appropriate emotions are just tad disonating if not outright distressing.

Then I tried forgiveness instead of directly reasoning by praying at it;
Then it's like... A water spilling from it's pail. Or that the object I was studying starting to dissolve and fade.

How strange...
Then I stop, I turned back to reasoning.
The injustice remains there. It's just that... It's not as strong.
As if the object I was studying either shrunk or lost it's detail or damaged or flawed. It's layers are still there, only less transparent.

Then I relaxed a bit, breath it in and out.
It's like letting the whole thing fly away.
I cannot guess if it dissolved or it just went elsewhere. A hint of weight remains.

Somewhere along the line, I did it right but...
Somewhere along the line, I did it wrong.

At least in wrong order or that I really missed the mark; I was too impersonal -- a part of it meant I was emotionally denying something even if I was rationally being by honest.

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I'm upset by something that SHOULD NOT matter to me. However I feel like a dagger stabbed me in my chest. I'm obviously seriously f#cked up in the head. Maybe I'll make a post or mention it in a reply in a thread someone else started. I'm home by myself for the night & I have dishes that really need to be washed. I also wanna drink but I don't have any beer. I have some other kinda alcohol in the fridge that was given to me by someone who works at a brewery but I've been hesitant to try it. I guess maybe now is the time. I can sip it while washing dishes. I'm sure I will feel better in a while. I guess I will go get started.