What's on your mind right now?

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Starting to wish that I was NT so maybe I'd have a lot better time socializing and wouldn't get rejected all the time.

I've got a friend who sometimes reveals, probably unintentionally, some very important things about what they are thinking, or how they deal with people, which clues me in to how they may think of me. In preparation for spending hours with me one day, they expressed reservation that we may not be able to fill all the time with conversation. This kinda explains our entire relationship, which has been frustrating and sometimes humiliating for me. They are so unwilling to deal with awkward silences that they won't talk to me, except in an occasional demonstration of friendship, which, frankly, hasn't happened in a long damned time. Though they've had all the control in this relationship, it still feels kinda like I have an unfair advantage in this one thing: I know this about them, and I use it to explain the entire state of our relationship, and they probably have no clue that I think it's important at all. I've been wondering if I should mention it. I've decided not to, because it just doesn't matter anymore.

Anacronyms.

I prayed to God last night, even tho I'm not religious. In short form, I believe in the evidence there is a creator. I never read the religious arguments or debates, just some early indoctrination and lots of navel gazing. My ocd reasoning is to maintain the correct order of the world, I'm god or pretending to be. I think I will only find out the truth when I leave and that's okay with me. So I prayed to God last night, I asked him to help me to crawl out of this pit of depression. Immediately felt guilt for bugging the man with my problem, silly for praying, and then realized; whoa, I'm god or pretending to be. About an hour later; while driving home, he answered by a sudden realization that pushed me deeper into the pit of depression. That's okay, it will just make me stronger when I do crawl out and I'm coming out soon.

Alan Watt ...he was an alcoholic apparently.
The best way out of depression, is doing something constructive.
Set any goals, lately, maybe that could help, txfz1?
Also being helpful to others. Maybe that could help.
Ya know,
Self-esteem is built upon actions, not navel gazing.
I believe.

On day 1, the universe says, "I see what you're doing. It won't work."
Day 2: "Impressed. Still won't work."
Day 3: "Don't you have anything better to do?"
On day 4, I say to the universe, "The hard part is behind me. How you doing?"
On day 6, I say, "Why aren't you willing to harm me directly? What's with the proxy? Also...bite me."

7 days, universe was apparently created in 7 days.
Maybe it was rushed?
Actually technically 6 days. Even worse.
Took a day off and rested.
Maybe need to go back to drawing board.
I mean, not complaining, there's some good things!
Its the best damn Universe we got! !
But it might need some improvements.
Here or there.
Just some tweaks.

I had to look up Alan Watts but the spoiler was really good. I've a plan and I'm just working my way to it, it starts on the 21st. Thank you.

I keep getting really intense anxiety when I get in bed and try to sleep. I have no idea why.

Planning my next panic attack.

The life I envision for most of my life...
Is a life without anyone. Not my family or friends. I still do even now.
It frustrates me. I want to live that life.

But I can't.
Because I can't leave them. It's the reason why sometimes I wished people don't love me too much so it'll be easier for me.
Why I don't want to get too attached.

I just feel rather sad because of that.
Sure I'm happy with them then and now.
But I just don't see my best future with any of them.

I expect them all to have their normal lives intact and move on with everything else -- while I do things my own and leave them.

But this culture won't allow it.
Guilt won't allow it. Obligation won't allow it. Attachments won't allow it.
An ironic hell made of any social animals' aspired heaven.

My future with them is me depending too much on them.
Unable to push myself further because I also have to defend them, having to keep them uninvolved by association.



I love them. They love me. They accept me, I accept them.
Sure, I'm mostly open and safe with them as they are open and safe with me. They're not mean or mistreating me in any way.

Yet I just don't feel free with them.


It made so much sense why the only time I had truly feel felt happy to tears, truly felt connected and resonated with my mom, was a conversation about her dying someday.

And why the topics about me and my sister taking care of one another doesn't make me sad or happy. It just pisses me off.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

They're playing that new RHCP song on the radio right now.

I've signed into facebook twice today, and each time I scroll until I see a happy valentines, and then I remember it's valentines day and I can expect those f*****g things, and log out. At least I'm not wasting much time there.

Patrick and pals, at office on wallstreet, compare pussycat

Show Spoiler

Impressive, very nice....
*gulp*
...
Look at that coloring
The tasteful thickness of it"
OMG
*drops apple*