What's on your mind right now?

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I have a chance to say goodbye to a suicide that occurred in my life two years ago. I was thinking about writing a closure letter to her. I’ll mostly write about how her death has affected me and what I accomplished by her suicide. What else goes into a closure letter? Don’t know if I read it out loud or just have a campfire or what? There will be others affected in the area, do I invite them? Let them hear it or parts of it or none? I never had a closure celebration or eradication? I don’t even require it, not even sure if I want to do it. The letter is the basic thing that I want to try and see if it helps or is just a waste of time.

Suicide, that's one more tragic personal life event, I have never experienced. Only vicariously, like most fans of Nirvana for e.g. Only through celebrities, I had some kind of emotional connection towards, a sympathy.

I’ve a couple, sad to say. First was on the school bus, he used a shotgun as the bus was passing by? Only a few of us saw it, but the whole bus learned about it. A cousin and this co-worker. I turned off the empathy and only accepted guilt, no or not much sympathy from me.

At the start of the week there was advance warning that a major storm would be hitting the UK around Wednesday/Thursday, with winds of up to 90 mph and the potential for huge damage in many areas. Well, yesterday evening we had moderately high winds and some heavy rain, but nothing to cause any real alarm in these parts. This evening, nothing at all, quite mild all round for this time of year. It will be interesting to see what the next couple of days might bring, as the newspapers are still predicting some dramatic developments weather-wise.

I like learning how to watch the weather, it was important living on the east coast on a sail boat. UK gets the winter hurricanes from the Atlantic, on top of the gulf stream pushing s**t around.

I don't wanna shave my beard. I guess it makes me look older, which is what I'd prefer, as I kinda look younger than I am without it, which isn't what I prefer there. I really hate anything that can draw attention in any facet, which is probably pathological when it comes to me.

Yeah it's stormy and rainy at night. Not so much in day. Though its pretty windy now. I like to say to people " Nice weather, huh" when the weather is really bad. It could be storming hailing freezing cold., me for e.g "i just love it when we get good weather, isn't it wonderful." It's one of my idiosyncrasy. I don't mind bad weather that much, so even if it's partially facetious statement, its has kernel of truth in it. I have contrarian tendencies.

My future.

I need to admit that I can't keep up with owning a big house. I end up blaming myself when I can't do the housework or the repairs, when I'm afraid of neighbours, when I feel like I live in a fishbowl with people judging me. I shouldn't blame myself. I've been very successful and owned properties since I was in my early 20s. I pushed myself beyond all possible limits and lived through atrocities in terms of trauma. I had no support. In fact I had people ambushing me, and actively trying to sabotage everything I did. That brought out the fighter in me and it's hard to put that to rest. I can't keep going on though. As I get older and I've been in autistic burnout / trauma recovery for a decade. I've had two strokes. I have very weak executive function, plus insomnia, and a slew of other reasons to slow down.

At what point do I wave the white flag for help, and sell my house? But I love my house. It's taken me years to make it comfortable and sensory-friendly. Where would I go? I have four pets so I'd need another house. It wouldn't be any cheaper. Could I handle all that stress of staging the house, dealing with agents, packing, moving, relocating, and then finding out after all the chaos that I'm still me and nothing has changed? I'm already selling a flat and that's overwhelming. I don't even live there full-time and have few belongings there.

This is the kind of stuff I worry about. Liquidating assets for the money, wasting money, how to manage money, how to survive, how to make a to-do list when I've yet to touch my dayplanner since New Year.

Total burnout.

My grandmother could sell her house, but she loves it, (or she just so used it to it.) doesn't want to leave. She could liquidate it. (I mean at-least £100,000, maybe twice that, she maintains it and everything.) I mean its like a big house, and she all alone, but she's lived there for like 40 + years. And shes even fell down stairs, fell over on occasion. But she would want to leave. Shes still in relatively good health, I suppose, comparatively. Actually she in poor health, but thats just aging.

I would ask your relatives for advice. People you can trust.

My mother is the same. Her house would be worth millions. It's not huge or anything, just in a really expensive location and very well maintained. She lives alone and has a lot of upkeep but my brother does it all for her for free (*clears throat / must be nice* ... ) She won't leave her house and I don't blame her. Care homes are insanely expensive and she's still quite active despite cancer and multiple aneurysms.

There's no one else to ask. She wouldn't want me to move far away and I can't, because I have to take care of her. I can't live with her either. When she dies I'd need to move out so my brother could get his share of the asset.

So I'm stuck, with no help or support. That means I'll be in breakdown mode within a few years, and I'll be pushed into a decision by necessity rather than choice. I'm already unable to keep up but there's nowhere else to go, and I do love my house despite it being overwhelming.

My grandmother has many grandchildren, relatives...so Her will, whatever it its, most likely divided up in many segments, I might get £5 grand. £10 grand tops. She's not gonna move out, downsize, she has no reason to, really.

That's a kind of situation, that is far removed from me. Also, my grandfather lives alone now, a long marriage until recently, death. Owns his own home, but its not maintained very well. He's very tough, Though, and doesn't seem affected. He a very upbeat guy.

I once jokingly said to a relative, why doesn't my grandfather,on one side, grandmother on another side, move in together....Yeah that;s my idea of a joke.

Anyway, why does life have to be so stressful !?!?!....Yeah, problems are always piling up faster than you can solve them,sometimes, it seems.

Communists driving around in cars, lecturing people who can afford to, but do not wish to drive a car, and would struggle to anyway because of the nature of their disability.

Commie in a car:

"Global warming is real, please allow me to lecture you on green energy, whilst face-painting you as an economic Conservative, because of your cultural Conservatism which I do not sufficiently understand to have any opinion on."

*explosion sounds*

Anthropomorphism. How humans are really just a small percentage of the genome.

Yes. But it's not even just "problems". It's all the mundane tasks of living. The executive function. Making a phone call. Shovelling snow. Eating. Cleaning. Getting enough sleep. Dealing with sensory. Everything is a challenge, but no one likes to admit how hard it is just to ... exist.

I like life so don't get me wrong - but it's very taxing whether people live independently or with family.

There's always something to deal with.

I have problems with procrastiantion.



I don't paticular get a kick out of that too. But I handle myself very assertively, if robotically at times.
No chit chat. Straight to the point. I'm very straightforward.



Being stronger than you, (I guarantee it lol) , that's not so big a deal to me. Being male.




I enjoy that too much.



No one enjoys that. I neglect that.



I sleep like a baby. Sometimes I'm wired, and find it hard to fall asleep.



Things are more stress related with me. More psychological pressure. Not sensory.



People with ASD really are marginalized. And it does feel unfair being the invisible minority. Cause everything is doubly hard. People do really need more help, consideration, that what is granted.

Nothing is worse than making a phone call. I hate calling to schedule a haircut. I used to work in a collections call center and once made 200 calls in a day. I deserve a Purple Heart.