What's on your mind right now?

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Frozen macaroni and cheese is some of my good eating nights. Your observations are correct and nothing really changes. They've not only taken away the dignity of the poor [and disabled] throughout history, but they also target them for things they themselves won't do in society, which is just added icing to it all.

That storm out of nowhere is on my mind. Thunder, because of course there was (ear muffs help me there). Looks like moderate rainfall, so the water tanks will be topped up again.

The usual things. Memories. Because I learnt to live in the past a long time ago. Much as I did the future.

Why am I still so full this evening?

I didn't eat that much today, did I?

I deactivated my facebook account but I'm going to have to reactivate it to use the marketplace. Dammit.

I notice when other people stop showing up and I wonder if they are okay. I wish the same was true of me. That someone would care if I'm okay.

I intensely worry if people are ok (not a big list there), but I don't really care with me. I appreciate it immensely when they do, but I don't know why they would care.

Worrying about others is on my mind a lot (yep, it'll be there now), and always has been.

I want to buy something for myself but I'd feel naughty for spending so much money.

Class, today's assignment is draw COTA.

I can't wait to see how the clay bunny I painted turns out after it's fired. I hope it still looks like Malo afterwards, too, since I'm not sure I'll get to see him again and I want something that looks like him.

^ I hope so too. I missed the part where you had to give up your pets. I am so sorry about that. I know how much joy they brought you.

Thinking about the people I can’t help. Thinking about why some days my music sounds expressive and other times flat. About not being able to get the canoe over my head again. About white water. About rain. About the International Space Station.

No more external rewards for me.

I'm not sure how it started, but it just drops all the sudden.
It just happened this week. But it'll probably because of months worth of factors in my case.

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Someone who likes you will be curious about you and will make time for you. Someone who enjoys your company will occasionally seek it. Someone who likes talking to you will f*****g talk to you.

Don't let anyone tell you that there is friendship without these things being willingly, more than occasionally there.

Suppose you are with two friends, and one of them is talking a lot. To just the other person. Facing them and directing everything they are saying to them, while ignoring you. Not that the conversation is only of interest to the one person. Your rude friend could easily include you in the conversation by occasionally looking at you. But looking at you is avoided so conspicuously that the singular target of the talk also feels uncomfortable and has gone quiet themselves.

What's going on here? Is the person talking just rude? Forgot you are present? infatuated by the one person they are talking to? Socially awkward? Mistakenly believing only one person present is interested in what they say?

Here's another possibility, born of the experience of being conspicuously devalued over and over. Ignoring you is intentional. The person talking wants you to feel excluded. They'll compensate with flattery and love language at other times, to keep the relationship going, but right now, they're being mean to you. Intentionally.

When this happens, you wonder. Is the person talking just rude? Forgot you are present? infatuated by the one person they are talking to? Socially awkward? Mistakenly believing only one person present is interested in what they say?

But how could they be that oblivious? I mean...really?

Then months and months pass and things like this keep happening. Long before then you started to wonder how it can be anything other than intentional, but by words, on occasion that is convenient to them, but sometimes also with some actual effort, this person has been very warm to you. When you finally determine, though, that the devaluation has all been intentional, the whole thing feels rotten. This has been abuse. It's been gaslighting. It's been intentionally distressing. Someone is doing this to you on purpose. You participated in your own gaslighting by allowing this to continue, with the hope that it wasn't what it looked like. You are humiliated.

Seemingly consistent lessening of sleep.
I do not understand this at all.

Ever since I managed to make my sleep schedule as consistent possible and with possible long term "precautions", my sleep length became shorter by at least an hour.

I calculate how long I sleep and work for nearly 3 months. By hand.

This January, it was 12-9 hours.
Last month it was 10-8 ​hours.
This month it's going 8-6 hours.
Though there are few anomalies in between

I barely mediate these days. I don't take supplements.
I had only changed my dinner times last month. I've only been trying to eat more fiber just last week and stop getting anymore junk food.
I hadn't able to put the screens out an hour long before bedtime. I barely yet trying to watch what media I consume.

What else is happening?...

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I read on Politifact that the Simpsons supposedly predicted the war with Russia and Ukraine. It's a total lie, just like when the show supposedly predicted covid.

I just love how people think a cartoon, of all things, predicted major events like this. Especially since according to a classic Simpsons episode, the Americans were saved by the British in WW3 the way Americans supposedly saved them in WW2, real trees don't exist anymore there are only holograms of them now, and you can buy soy pops that now come with a gag suppressant. And that was in the year 2010.

Edit: Oh, and according to the episode we're supposed to have androids that can cry but when they do, the tears make their heads blow up. Why do I always forget the best parts?

Wondering why I keep screwing up and making the same mistakes in life and if it's possible to fix myself. I feel like all of my problems are way bigger than me and I can't get myself out of a downward spiral no matter how hard I try. And, knowing the people in my life don't think I've been trying at all, which just makes it feel worse.

Before I know it, I just stop craving sugar.

And I don't know why.
I tried some snacks and beverages throughout the day this weekend.

Yet I hadn't ask for more.
It simply just did not came to me -- no resistance or willpower to exert over temptations.

This is just strange for me.
It's only been a week, not a month.


I still have a sweet tooth -- or so I thought it is because it's been that way for years.
Now, I just don't know what to do with it anymore.

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