What's on your mind right now?

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Times when I'm too eager to end this month.
Times I'd rather put it on hold.

Just as subtle.
And equally annoying.

Perhaps I'll start meditating on that.

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Obliqueness is all I really know (sometimes parallel, rarely perpendicular). Which is actually on my mind, how my echos do find their intended recipient, eventually. Maybe I'm a carrier pigeon, just one with a gammy wing that kinda hits walls more than windowsills and writes the messages itself with its broken beak, rather than a human. Sorta have had a bird's-eye view my entire life too. My messages even find someone that's not even here.

If it's anything, I don't feel worth anything at all, regardless of what others say about me, but this pigeon might just need more medication for its melancholia.

People that are worthwhile, special, usually don't think they are either I've found (except for me, and no one say anything there ).

30 April 2002

I am going out of my freaking mind. I got to work. I have actual real work to do. And instead I have an inbox full of people asking the most basic questions that they should already know the answer to! And sometimes they are my own employees. I understand this is what happens in bureaucracies and government agencies, but I have deadlines to meet.

I need to get this under control before I lose my mind and don't get the real work done.

Sheesh.

I should never look at email.

^^^hopefully retirement is just around the corner.

My beard is coming back after the last emergency shave due to needing a good seal on the P2 as a high risk SARS-CoV-2 area, which is apparently everywhere now, so there's no real point anymore (I'm pretty sure my entire immediate and extended family I don't talk to have had it by now). Surprisingly, little gray, even though I should be completely gray on my head and face by now from all the fight or flight. I'll get that grizzled old look soon enough, or the look of a homeless man, one of the two (maybe both). I still have that OCD though. Damnit. It's mostly just there now when it comes to passing things on. The sacrifices we must make, sometimes, as I'm sure I'll take it off soon enough.

But hey, when we both get COVID-19 here I'll be good then, because once you know how you respond, you're mostly good to go then (not worried about myself here, rather someone I live with); if you get messed up, you probably want to avoid it again (it can go either way there, similar or less), but if not, you'll mostly be fine the next go. Some other viruses behave this way, where the rarer individuals get hit hard for no apparent reason regardless of anything, and the rest are fine. There will be a reason, it's just not fully known.

In lieu of the marble collection, I decided to go with a set of chisels (I just have a single larger one in the toolbox which has seen far too much work and I should probably retire it). Apart from the practical aspects, I can use them for wood carving, as I'm too clumsy or medicated, to use knives for such. I guess I'll carve various monsters I've seen.

Wondering why I even bother.

When I ask google a question like

who played piano on sympathy for the devil

I expect it to find some forum post where someone has asked that exact question. But what I get instead is an article with this text:

I tried this question of google:

is google using ai to answer direct questions

and half expected a relevant answer titled "Yes", but unfortunately that didn't happen, and in fact the highlighted result wasn't an answer to my question. The best answer would have been a paragraph extracted from this article, and titled "Yes".

Google's Hand-Fed AI Now Gives Answers, Not Just Search Results

Woke up as if I've finished a really fun game. Or did some adventurous activity.

Too bad I don't remember it.

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AB, I actually smile a lot. In fact, my smile is one of the few things I have confidence in. Over my life span, I have had so many people, even total strangers, or check out clerks or etc, say with surprise how great my smile is.

I also have a terrible frown and look really ugly when I’m mad.

Here’s the idea I had today: what if my caring and loving are the mask and the really crabby irritated person inside is the real me?

Remember the children’s book: Heidi? As a small child, I always was rooting for the mean old grandfather who lived all alone in a hut on the top of the mountain, shunning all human interaction. I loved the story, but was so disillusioned when he came back to town.

Dill, I have come to see myself as a catalyst for positive change that occurs only after I have been discredited and thrown out for advocating for that change. Not quite as dramatic as your pigeon, but along the same lines. And, ok, I won’t tell you you’re special. Hah!

AB, I’m trying so hard to retire that it is more work than working. I did finally take your advice and applied for social security. In fact, my first check should have been deposited yesterday. I’ll have to look. That’s the good news. Never mind about the bad financial news. That can wait for another time. Just checked my bank and yes, the social security check was deposited. Hurray!

That's excellent news, Blazing. You did a smart thing by opting for Social Security.

Is there a way you could cut down, and maybe "freelance" in your field?

I woke up in fight or flight. I remember what caused it. I also had a dream, a good dream that is, mixed in with it all, and that's one I can't remember all that well. I guess I can tell they're good when I feel nothing negative about them, there's no bad feelings about it when I awaken.

Thank you for saying I'm not special. I appreciate that one. Sometimes, it takes someone to show that positive, and it'll be often seen as confronting, people think they should have thought of it themselves or whatever it is that people get upset about with these things, and one is punished for it. Then that positive ends up manifesting anyway, as you said. It seems like a symptom of Autism in many ways, as bluntness/directness allows one to speak their mind freely, getting across those ideas, if they're fine with talking. I've always had trouble talking to people directly, and for most of my life, it's been others talking to me; any ideas of mine tended to be kept away, which was fine with me. Hence, a carrier pigeon, which will also be a symptom of Autism, just a different manifestation of the same. It's not much of a bother for me.

Not much on my mind as I still sorta feel like zombie Dill as the antibiotic increases the plasma concentration of my medication (I had to do some math there so I was still within a moderate dose of such; I ended up at a higher than usual dose, but that's fine). I think I need another coffee. I'm probably far more lucid than I should be.