What's on your mind right now?

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I haven't slept much for a couple days and I feel wide awake. I hope my new medication isn't putting me into an episode of mania.

I signed up for drivers ed. I have so much anxiety over it, but I need to learn to drive before my aunt goes on vacation in August, so I can get to work reliably.

Today I felt as if I didn't get enough sleep.
Sluggish.

I don't like it.

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My mother has to share a room now, since she isn't infectious.
All the private rooms are used up by people with Covid.

Her roommate watches TV news all day behind the medical curtain.

I'd go absolutely insane in that situation.
Just sitting in the room is going to give me a meltdown.
Noise is one thing but I can't stand voices / news where people talk at you.
Not being able to see the picture would make it even more torturous.

It makes me wonder how they would accommodate me with autism / misophonia?

Would I get a special room or would they tell me to use earplugs and deal with it?

How can you repeatedly express gratitude that I've been curious enough to get to know you through your interests without ever reciprocating? If my interest in unwelcome, you have the option of ignoring me so I'll know I am unwelcome. To pretend to be flattered is not a good option. To actually be flattered without reciprocating isn't a good option. Best option, if you are disinterested, is to act disinterested. Or better yet, express disinterest.

Depends on the hospital and vacancies for how they'd accommodate you, I guess. I've been moved around sometimes in hospitals due to excess noise keeping me more awake than I normally am. Often moved to a room where the other bed was vacant, but someone would fill it soon enough and make too much noise so I'd just go earplugs when I'd try to sleep, which didn't help me too much as I'm paranoid about sleeping nearby to people I don't know (Schizophrenia, I guess). I don't like people talking either when I'm trying to sleep, as I can't filter it out, and I have to listen. I seem to be alright when I'm awake, though. Well, alright enough, but I wouldn't like it to be a chronic deal. I don't get much sleep in hospitals unless I have my own room with a door I can shut regardless of any insomnia I'm experiencing. Last hospital trip was such, and it was far more pleasant an experience.

I'm sluggish too. Hypersomnia (zombie Dill), which often follows insomnia for me. I guess my body wants to catch up on all the lack of sleep or something. Coffee doesn't do much.

Dunno what's on my mind that's not normally there. Brain thoughts seem absent from the sluggishness. Guess I'll go for a walk to see if that helps.

I've been in hospital many times. Likely close to a year if you add it all up. I've always had a private room other than the recovery-room for operations, but you only stay there about an hour. I even had a surgery during high-Covid (Jan 2021), but I was lucky enough to have a private room.

I'm not expecting my mum to get special treatment or anything. I understand if they don't have private rooms available and I even understand someone watching TV. She likes TV herself but she watches different stations. I can't even imagine what that would sound like with one on top of the other. It would make me not watch my own shows to avoid the overlap. I don't like earplugs in the daytime even though I sleep with them every night.

You make a good point about roommates coming and going. It occurred to me this person might leave soon, but then again she's very quiet as a person. Maybe the next person will talk a lot AND watch TV? Egads.

I've been trying to find ways to be more socially productive through mediums I feel comfortable with. Locally, I haven't found any hobby groups/etc. that interest me and like many here, I am very much not a fan of bar/club scenes. I tried finding alternative artists to befriend and eventually try to work with but most of them in my area either dislike me/people in general or are embroiled in some things I'd rather not get caught up in.

Dating apps have offered success, but even with explicit statements about what I'm seeking (platonic connections) the vast majority of matches are, of course, interested in dating. Maybe I'm going about it the wrong way and need to seek community in some other form or from some other angle. Iunno. That being said, it has at least been a very interesting experience over the past decade or so- and overall a beneficial one as well.

I'm sure there's somewhere out here I can find what I need, but I admit that the search is frustrating.

Hopefully you feel less stressed and tense soon, Edna3362. Probably best not to throw your phone, just from a practical standpoint. I don't think one can sew a phone back together.

The walk up and down the road didn't seem to wake me up out of my dark melancholic fogginess, even though the sky was blue and the sun was bright and warm. There was many an interesting sight I froze in time via camera, which made it eventful. Then I moved throughout the day as zombie Dill, along with having a nap in the evening, which is apparently something I do now. Walking through the world as if it's all a neutral dream. My actions and words to the pharmacist, all automatic and without the usual anxiety and simmering panic of being out in the world when fully aware. No real emotions other than...nothing and a fear of something that I can't see hidden behind that aforementioned depressed fogginess. Quite the strange experience, but not really new to me, just that I only usually felt such during hospital visits, not when independent.

I guess mental illness is on my mind. I suppose it's good that I'm handling it all on my own.

I might stay home instead of going somewhere with my aunt and cousin tomorrow. I'm exhausted and feel gross.

Day laborers at work keep having the nerve to call me "chino". Today's day laborer said "chino f**k you", but he didn't do or say anything else so I didn't tattle on the lil dips**t.

I have only heard the word "chino" 6x total and 5 we're at work and four were day laborers

I don't feel safe sharing a litterbox with those lil a**holes.

The slave plantation puts up a song and dance about unity and diversity, but it's all a facade. Farce

Been watching "extreme cheapskates" and Dr Phil. Totally fascinated.

Semantics and pragmatics

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Despite the smoke and mirrors, nobody really gives a rats arse about my worthless corpse, although they might claim to

Even my old man and old woman had the nerve to refuse to say "excuse me" instead of "what".

A meditation instructor told me that "holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to drop dead"

Correct but old man and old woman already dead

39 nothing accomplished

Failure and loser

Zero occupational prospects

Here it is again.
The sleepy days despite not lacking sleep or stimulation or work phase.

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I successfully completely Operation OCD. The objective was to avoid SARS-CoV-2 for as long as possible so I don't hand it off to my mother. Over three years isn't bad.

N95s work
Being an asocial loner who doesn't go out unless needed works too

You win some, you lose some.

An equivalent of 16USD worth of hairdo.
Just for a change.

It's just hair rebond, really.

Now I'm also looking for accessories...
Something that would remind me of my happier days.

Actually, I already got one and it's actually my best and worst years of my life.
Thinking of just DIYing a very specific picture with bezel and cabochon as a pendant for a simple bracelet...

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I wish that I didn't have severe social anxiety and agoraphobia. I have to have someone with me when I do things outside or in public, or I have massive anxiety attacks. I just want to socialize with people outside of my family and do things by myself without feeling terrified the whole time.