What's on your mind right now?

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Strangely I'd rather someone hit me than shout at me. I've never actually hit anyone but if someone hit me and they wanted something back, I'd be quite happy to hit them back, not like a punch but just a slap on their arm or something. In verbal attacks I completely freeze and just cannot stand up for myself, and if I did then that would probably just make them yell at me more, as it will most likely turn into a back and forth argument, and I'll end up getting emotional, which will then make me look weak. I can't help crying once the tears start pricking at my eyes and my lower facial muscles go weak.

So when people say "assert yourself to a bully and they'll walk away or won't pick on you again", I don't feel it's good advice, because I get afraid that it won't work and will just make them react badly. I hate arguing with people but sometimes bullies are looking for an argument, for conflict. So asserting yourself, whichever words you use, can cause a heated argument. Sometimes it's your personality as well. So if you decide to be assertive you'll most likely fail if you lack that sort of confidence in general.

The best way to deal with bullying is to just avoid them, which can be hard when you work with them.

I don't know.

I feel gradually getting dizzier for some reason.
There's this subtle sensations for the last few hours. Now, it's just 10pm and it's no longer as subtle.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

The maintenence supervisor told me that he missed seeing me when I was sick with COVID and said that I'm a "good kid". That gave me so much serotonin. lmao

I have about half an hour before the sleep med stuff starts doing its thing. I have no idea what to do with myself in that time. I think I should avoid things like the laptop and tablet, but I don't want to do the things I would normally do before bed. I have no idea what to do with myself so here I am click clacking on the laptop despite knowing screens before sleep are ultimately counterproductive. *shrugs* I am an idiot.

I really like my new handwriting.



I made my usual strokes of long letters really long and small letters really small.

Now it's faster than trying my hardest to make it legible, more legible than rushing and ultimately, doesn't hurt anymore.
Perhaps I found MY REAL handwriting. No longer performative or mindless.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Time is going so slowly! I am currently awaiting a very important letter from across the border with no indication when it arrives here as well as when it returns. Now that the job part has been fixed, I am looking for an apartment in order to finally move, but no one is actually responding to my messages.

All the paperwork is confusing to me as well and I have no idea who or where to ask people for help about it.

I'm nowhere near my "dream life" yet, but even the steps to just living a normal life again, especially after the past three years, are taking much longer than usual. I'm so damn sick of waiting! I want to do something, anything! But there is literally nothing I can do right now and the constant waiting and being dependent for others for me to finally become independent is super frustrating.
It just makes as little sense to me as it does to you.

I'm praying every moment of the day, I don't know what else to do.

waiting for my food to cook.

I don't get why we're not allowed to move hanger boxes at work and why we have to get the maintenence guys to do it for us. I can move them just fine. I'm pretty sure they're at or under the 50 pound lifting limit for my job so like, wtf.

I spent the whole day reading my entire post history on this site watching as I go from an unsuspecting 17-year-old still feeling some sort of joy and happiness in life and not being extremely fazed by bad things to a severely depressed and lonely 20-year-old to 22-year-old slightly getting life together before the pandemic hit to the present where things just seem to be going downhill for me. It's very depressing to see that, even when I know this isn't the full picture and it only seems like I'm always the "victim". This has been my to-go venting place for nearly a decade now and I should really train myself to also post here when I'm in a good mood or have some good news. It is nice to see my "character development" and how insightful and self-aware I always have been. A bit too much if I say so, though.

The reason I did read all 400+ posts was that I was waiting for my important job letter to be delivered to the supermarket, aka the pick-up point, which they said would be around this time so it was a nice way to spend the time.

I also got another dope opportunity in the mail that I cannot disclose, and it made me reconsider taking that route to some extent because I really have tried to give the "capitalist route" another shot, I really did, but the job market doesn't like people like me. I don't believe in the literal "matrix" that those self-titled gurus always talk about, but there's definitely something like that going on and I'm just not built for that system, so it's time to get things done my way. (Buiding a life that is enjoyable, that is)

If the weather report is accurate, my town should be getting somewhere between 6 and 18 inches of snow, depending. Should be an interesting couple of days. So long as the power doesn't go out, it's all good... on my end anyway.

I think in today's crazy world most people care more about being right and everyone else being wrong at any cost.

But they don't actually care about doing the right thing anymore.

^ You're wrong and I cut off my big toe to prove it

I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die