Funny, corny joke thread

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There's one thing left in this world that you can always count on...










Your fingers.

Mick went for a meetingat the job centre.
"So, what GCSE grades do you have?" they asked him.
"Art and maths," replied Mick.
"And what can you do?"
"Paint by numbers," Mick said.

Mick and Paddy were on a long hike.
"Could you carry my rocks?" Paddy asked.
"No!" answered Mick.
"Could you carry my sweater?"
"That I'll carry."
It was surprisingly heavy, so he said, "this is heavy, what's in it?"
"Rocks," said Paddy.

It use to be that a Rump Roast was something someone ate.
These days it is something one hears in late night monologues about resident rump.

Why did the scarecrow get an award?

For being outstanding in the field.

Mick arrived home from seeing a faith healer.
"How was it?" Paddy asked.
"It was crap," replied Mick, "even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out."

A postman knocks on the door. "A package for your next door neighbour," he says.
"Then you're at the wrong house," replies Paddy.

What's Mark Carney's favourite song?

Oh! Cana-duh

There was once a member who wanted to look like an Olympic athlete.
He forgot the things that he learned at Weight Watchers.
He looked in a full-length mirror and saw that he looked like Matt Steiner.
It dawned on him that he looked like an Olympian all along.

Not all athletes look like Ray Davies after all.

I told my mother she should embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

How is Donald Trump the most enjoyed?

Roasted.

I feel like Donald tonight, like Donald tonight.

Tonight at seven, Sure Lock Homes Burglarized! Police are baffled.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.

I haven't slept for 10 days because that would be too long.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Jack kicked the bucket and Bandit took his place.

I said to my friend; My driver's license photo doesn't do me justice.

My friend said; You don't need justice, you need mercy.