Make an extremely dark joke.

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Said one old man to the other, "Friend, there is a glycerin suppository stuck in your ear!"

"How strange!" said the other old man, "now I know where my hearing aid is!"

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?”
“Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK, now what?”




I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

I love babies, but I could never finish a whole one.

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.




Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

"Don't jump," yelled the Reverend to the man on the bridge. "You have so much to live for."
"No I do not," he said. "I'm going to end it all."
"But surely you are a Christian, my good man."
"That I am."
"Catholic, Protestant, or Russian Orthodox?"
"Protestant." There was a note of pride.
"Anglican, Presbyterian, Methodist--"
"None of that nonsense, I'm a Baptist," the man retorted.
"So am I, brother, praise the Lord! First Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
"Southern Baptist."
"Thank the Lord, hallelujah--Reformed Congregation of 1915 or Established Congregation of 1874?"
"Refor--"
"Die, heretical dog!" the pastor shouted, and pushed him off the bridge.

(A very old but very morbid joke that I do not entirely remember, and therefore paraphrased.)

A man French Canadian robs a bank in a small town in Maine.

He hides the money under the porch of an abandoned farmhouse.

A day later he is apprehend.

A translator is broght in since he only speaks French.

The police chief interrogates the man through the translator for hours with no results.

The frustrated chief pulls out a handgun, cocks the hammer and puts the gun to the man's head.

He tells the translator to tell the man if he does not tell him where he hid the money he us going to blow his brains out.

The man knows the chief is serious and quickly gives the translator detailed information on how to retrive the money.

The translator then looks at the angry police chief and says, "Francois says that he is not afraid to die".

Q:What's red, sits in the corner and gets smaller and smaller?

A:A baby with a potato peeler

Q:What's blue and yellow and lies at the bottom of a pool?

A:A baby with slashed floaties.

What's red and swings?

A baby on a meat hook.

What's green and swings?

The same baby two weeks later.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

"We had Grandad for Christmas last year".

"Really? We had a turkey".

Build a fire for someone and they will be warm for a few hours, set them on fire and they will be warm for the rest of their life.

Image by Theophilia, joke by dashinvaine: Keeping Your Head

This is really a Rodney Dangerfield quote but it can pass for a dark joke:

"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."

Hire the handicapped.

They're fun to watch!

Mrs. Thomas can Billy play baseball with us?

Boys that's not very nice. You know Billy doesn't have arms and legs.

We know that. We want to use him as third base.