Make an extremely dark joke.

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If at first you don’t succeed… Then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.



What is black and sticks to a tree? A peeping tom after a forest fire.

Can't stop laughing. I CAN'T BREATHE!!

That reminds me of a true incident that happened when I was nursing.

A guy was having pains from his ulcer and asked me for something to alleviate his pain.
Because of his ulcer he was not allowed any oral medication so I gave him a rectal suppository of Optalgin.
Me: Do you know how to use this or would you like me to do it for you?
Patient: Of course, I'm okay, you are very busy.

Half an hour later I asked him if he had any relief from his pain.
Patient: Well nurse, the pain is a little better but the damn pill is still stuck in my throat.

That taught me to never assume that patients
understand, I gave specific, detailed instructions from then on.

What's brown, smelly, lives in the sea and goes round raping mermaids?

Jack the Kipper.

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

A man walked into a bar.

The lights were off.

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.





My family is like a treasure…

You need a map and shovel to find them.

I miss my ex...

...but my aim is improving.

When Necrophiliacs masturbate,
that is the gravest sin.

When I was a kid, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive… It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.

^ Actually, eating dirt as a kid will probably make you more resistant to germs as an adult. Right now everyone is trying to be so germ-free it's sickening.

We thought that in 2020, we'd have flying cars and be living in outer space.

Instead, we're telling grown adults how to wash their hands.

Depression is when you get the feeling that the entire world is against you... and then discover that you're right.

Leaves leaves leaves when you need need need telephone us at -7000000000 or find us on our website Tree it now.org.