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Oh, sorry, that's the carcass my cat brought home yesterday!

Why do cats bring dead rodents to their humans?

They feel guilty about murdering the rodents so bring them to humans so they can take the rodent to the vets to resurrect them.

Why is it so foggy today?

All the rats in the neighbourhood ate too much beans. The fog is their farts.

Why are there jackdaws in my chimney?

They are cleaning it. Haven't you noticed how black their feathers are?

What is the best way to have a million pounds in my bank account?

Just deposit five hundred tons of fill dirt at your bank.

Why arent rocket powered skateboards commonly sold in stores?

They are, but they shoot straight out the door.

Why aren't there any dinosaurs roaming the earth today?

they've all been abducted by ETs who put them in zoos on their home planets.

same q.

There are no dinosaurs flapping and chirping in the bushes! https://www.birdlife.org/news/2021/12/2 ... w-we-know/

How to learn History?

get ahold of a "MAD!" magazine, they were good for history.

how to learn how to play music on an accordion?

1. Enter public transport in rush hours with an accordion;
2. Trial and error;
(3. Profits.)

What other two things will result in "3. Profits"?

robbing banks and defrauding pensioners.

what is the nature of the non-luminiferous ether?

After you drink it, it gives you a horrible hangover.

What's the best paint remover?

A flame thrower is both practical and a joy to use.

What is the quickest way to apply paint to a wall?

Apply through the NHS website.
(It should be really fast and efficient.)


Why did something good just happen for my family? I’m suspicious.

You are being tested by aliens. Depending on your response you will either be beamed aboard the mother ship and taken to planet X or your organs will be harvested and your remains left in your back yard.

Erm... Why is there a flying saucer coming towards me?

At this point I’d pay aliens to abduct me.

Sounds like your wife might be upset.
Did she throw the teacup too?