Post a blatant lie

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I'm posting on my iphone from an orgy.

(it's actually a blackberry)

Everybody on WP is able to accept my sensitive nature and it's been making me feel welcome over the past week. I've posted quite a bit over the past 7 days and I think I'll vanish forever.

Last week I beat up Mel Brooks. Me and some floozy were hanging out in a hipster pseudo-dive bar in gentrified Harlem, when Mel Brooks walks up to us and actually had the nerve to say "You're a floozy!" to my date! I had no choice, I punched him in the face and a cloud of blood shot from his mouth as his dentures hit me in the forehead. He somehow got the upper-hand though, and I ended up on the floor with him kicking me in the gonads repeatedly. The floozy I was with saved my skin though when she broke a bottle over his head. After he regained consciousness he told me he was sorry, and that he was on a crystal meth bender. I told him everybody's been there, and then the three of us went to the hospital so he could get his head wounds stitched up. We realized though that there was a special connection between us, one that couldn't be ignored. The three of us made love all night long. He was gone in the morning.

I am an extremely calm person who never swears ever.

I don't have erectile dysfunction and I don't have to take cialis just to masturbate. Also, I have had sex in the last 30 months.

edit: Oh god no! I meant it the other way, I really DON'T have to take cialis! I swear! It isn't from high blood pressure combined with unusual circulation! It can't be because I don't need it! Oh god why does this keep happening!?

Nopony is celebrating the return of the real refs in the NFL.

I purchased that skeleton on display in my den.

edit: It is absolutely not a burglar who came at me when I came home early and then I shot him but never called the cops out of fear they would prosecute me for it.

edit: I hope nobody unable to perceive sarcasm is reading this.

I do not pluck my eyebrows, never have, nor do I bite my fingernails.

I eat my own waste.

I am a hastily packaged mustard.

My cat is a dog.

My dog acts like a cat.

I am popular. I cannot even keep a straight face when typing this.

I am very popular and am laughing very hard as I write this.

I hate my special interests. I want to douse them with flames.

Sometimes I love being a tall person.