What's on your mind right now?

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Yeah same here

I hate it when people make a mash up of old food that should be put in the bin and they call it an experiment and try to make everyone else eat it

To me it's tantamount to potential poisoning

Oh this is gonna be a good final chase

Yesssss

16k they won

I wonder if that homeless person is still camping out in thingys garden

I thought that I'd roll out of my pod.

I have no issues around a kitchen by myself.

Probably because what I'm cooking, I'm eating it. I don't give any to anyone unless I'm so proud to share it.


Most of my own kitchen experiment turned out really well though. Most of it are an attempt at pastries or baking overall.

My worst ones are either just lack of skill (a bread that just tastes like flour because I still don't understand water to flour ratio) or just plain weird (that banana coffee cookie flavor...).

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It's nearly shorts weather

Writing, rewriting.

Words. Words. Words. Wirds. Iirds. Irdss. Rdsss. Ddsss...

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I feel like I'm at the end of civilisation on this bus

I'm glad I'm home now

I'm always a bit reluctant to call a chicken a bird

If I'm going to change into an early bird, it's just so to have more time for myself.
So it'll be convenient for me.

It's not to enable people to make use of my time more. It's not to make me "more reliable".

I want to be more reliable to myself. For my days. MINE. This is my choice.
And now I have the real means; I can just "pretend" I did things in last minute.

But I never need to pretend-pretend to actually do that, though; I really do not go to workmode at 7 fricking am like the workplace is expecting me to do.


Really.
Why should I put work first?

It's not like it's a career I'm pursuing.
It's not like I'm even dependent of the salary let alone need to survive.

I'm still going to work because I'm bored the hell out of my mind of doing directionless crap no thanks to whatever illness that refuse to let me improve.


I have half the mind to go back to school when I turn 30 this year.

Rebuild myself. Pick up from where I left off after I graduated at 18.

Whatever playing catch up I did and attained at my basically my entire 20s should be enough.

5 years is enough to intentionally reset, reestablish, prepare and start a career from that age, yes?
My 7th years are usually when I get upgrades, improvements and whatever eye-opening revelation that will come to me.


I have about 2 months before turning 30.

2 months to undo the shite this illness gave me my entire lifetime??

That's... I dunno... Well...

Why not?? Dedicate the last 10 or so weeks of being technically below 30 to realign myself the way I want to be?

Who knows?
I may even find a way to regain special interest. Even better; choose which of it is.

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I set my own bar. That way, I can do whatever I want as long as I don't hurt anybody.

I might start drawing up some kind of plan of things to do each day

It's not like I do nothing as I've done loads today but there's like an ad hockiness to my days

I'm just kind of drifting about between waking up and falling asleep. There's no structure

Only silver lining I got today was getting a prescription inhaler without the pharmacy ending up writing out my prescription papers of available buyable medication from 1 to 0.

Thus I got an extra.

Why I bought one?

**** Rushing. Precisely why I cannot work at early mornings and just stop "respecting time".

Left without a puff because ****ing rushing, contended with countless sneezing while working even after I started shaking and near edge of going back to that stupid sick version of me.

So went I ran to buy the medicine because it's faster than going back home. And just take it there.

What left was just accumulated stress for the past 3 hours.
That amount of stress? It's comparable to the symptoms-free self's no rest and no sleep for 2 days straight.


Before?
Counting spoons don't matter to me because it doesn't work.
Mine is just this gamble. There's nothing for me to count other than blind luck.
Because all I feel is chronic stress. But I knew deep down, that isn't me and it's not even coming from my head.

Now?
It did mattered. It's finally countable. I finally knew what sleep debt actually mean.
What effort; both ease of it and hardships over it they actually mean.


Yes having more good stuff and less crapp stuff makes me more appreciative more of other people's efforts, than having less with being forced to be grateful and cope that's been all about me and "taking care of myself".


So...
Ended up falling asleep on a job.
30 minutes give or take.

Woke up alright.

Unlike sick version of me who will wake up feeling like crap from any sleep or nap, and will feel guilty or ashamed for falling asleep, and will stay fighting that rumination and that will multiply until it piles up and explode the next day or a week.

So yeah, I also woke up not contending with stupid crap that my body used to enable and just continue working from where I left off.

Oh and the stress was mostly gone after the nap, too. Before, that's not what happens. There's no stupid guilt or shame to contend either because there's no stupid enabler of a sickness that had allow it. Not even a hint of expression of shyness at my boss.

And I like it. Really like it.
This is the way how I want to react as. This is the reaction closer to actually being myself as intended.

Not that version of me that has nothing uncontrollable feelings, the ego charged thoughts, the enabling symptoms and nothing else mattered.

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