i learned i cannot ever be trusted to lead a completely independent life just yet, and i may end up a dependent for much longer.
not bringing the passport or a receipt to the DMV to restart the licensing process, because i failed three times too many. putting my bike on the bike rack on the bus, walking in and realizing i am a dollar short. $1.75. not $.75.
being asked if i had ridden the bus before, when i have been a regular customer for nearly 14 years. getting off, getting my bike back off again and putting the rack back up, hitting my head on the mirror in the process. being hung up on by an employer who had already found someone before i could even say "thanks for your time". at least i didn't stutter.
envy. envy is everywhere in me. envy towards everyone i see. envy towards everyone employed. it's not that i'm not trying. maybe i should be bending over further. envy towards my girlfriend who landed a job at an art supply store near my house, right after the interview. i didn't know they needed someone. i'd have happily gone there myself. she's the last person i wanted to feel envy towards. is it my face?
i wish i could get rid of it. when people look up to the sky and say "look at that! not a cloud in sight!" i look up too.
there's all that blue, and taking over that blue are...the flashes.
_________________
הייתי צוללת עכשיו למים
הכי, הכי עמוקים
לא לשמוע כלום
לא לדעת כלום
וזה הכל אהובי, זה הכל.