WP Addicts Anonymous

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Hi.

selfdiagnose shaming time again
any relation to cucumber-time? (silly season)?

Well the CT scan came as back as benign, now I can torment tem even more, just kidding

We went to the zoo, and we saw flamingos and two baby giraffes and a baby zebra with red stripes, and a baby gibbon that kept hanging upside down, and kangaroos and wilderbeasts and a huge lion with a full mane and everything, and a kinkajou and there were two baby ring tailed lemurs!

Boo's home now. She was so glad to see me that she ran up and gave me kisses and purred and purred.

Lately I've been feeling flooded. I cry a lot, but lately I've been crying at the drop of a hat, and then this sadness and guilt well up inside of me, and overwhelms me.

So much I have done throughout my life, all the yeses when I wanted to say no, all the cringing guilt, and too many decisions to count, have been based on one of two things: 'mum won't like it' or 'mum wants me to'.

I think I'm a little afraid--not of her, but what would happen if I said no more often, or tried to get her to see my way of doing things, or if I spoke my mind instead of keeping everything hidden away.

Even the slightest criticism or snap-made comment from my mum, or not even that, is enough to shatter me inside.

I've tried to be strong and resilient all my life, but I'm just as hypersensitive and emotionally fragile as I was when I was born.

I nearly drove myself mad/off the despair event horizon, while in university residence, just trying to please my mum, while she thought that university was what I wanted. My step-father once told her that I live to serve her, and she didn't believe it.

I'm too afraid of making waves, or challenging her in any way, because she has been through much in life, and is in pain every day, and so my pain always seems tiny and meaningless compared to hers [or so i tell myself].

This post was brought to you by a custom Android phone, the antenna under a plane, some antennas 35,000 feet under that, mystery DNS servers, Alex, Cloudflare, phpbb forum software & (in order of likelihood) Webkit, Gecko or *shudder* IE rendering engines. Because you're all worth it.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

*hugs Kura* You're allowed to say no if you don't want to do something. It doesn't matter if others have been through worse. Your feelings still matter.