Working on setting up an appointment to see about adhd meds, I am just nervous because I have tried meds for like anxiety and depression in the past and have had bad experiences with that, so I am aprehensive, like I hope maybe meds for adhd are the right choice. Because from what I gather a lot of my anxiety and depression could be caused by struggling with that undiagnosed and thus having conflicts and blunders with people so I am hoping meds for the underlying condition can help. but due to negative experiences with trying some meds in the past I am aprehensive about trying medication treatment for adhd, but I think I should try to be open to it. Because in the past it was just to treat depression or just to treat anxiety but with the adhd diagnosis it does make more sense that my depression and anxiety is more organic due to experiences and not nessisarily a brain chemical imbalance. Adhd is the brain chemical imbalance the depression and anxiety were just symptoms of untreated adhd because well with that plus autism of course I was 'the weird kid' and growing up we moved around from various rural towns and rural areas aren't always very accepting of kids who are different. I feel like if my dad had found a consistant job in a more urban area I would have been able to go to a school with a lot more diversity and maybe I would have found friends. But no the school I spent the most time in...Idk I was maybe starting to mix back in a little bit(I went there in middle school, we moved for my ninth grade year, then moved back my 10th grade year and that year....there was a festival for my town, and a girl I remembered from middle school came up to me and she was glad to see me back and we had been friends in the past so Idk I was thinking at some point we'd run into each other at school and maybe talk about hanging out and remake our friendship, cause I figured by high school we probably were beyond any weird middle school nonsense so yeah seemed genuine like she wanted us to maybe hang out to....but yeah I just figured I'd see her at school and then we'd find a time to hang out.
Instead, there was a shooting and....There was the lockdown and all that, but yeah she is the one who didn't make it, like we'd never become close friends but I did always think she was cool and I was thinking of since she reached out and talked to me during the festival I was going to idk try to make friends, see if she wanted to hang out but well I guess I was too late. The shooting happened and I was not very popular and no one knew she was like being friendly with me and idk I felt so out of place like no one seemed to think they would see why I cared that she was gone...cause I wasn't very popular and idk people just figured I wasnt or couldn't be as deeply upset about the whole thing as they were(but they don't know she came up and talked to me, and seemed like she wanted us to try and be friends. And one girl in my class, she apologized later after the fact but during the shooting she said to me 'I am suprised you wern't the shooter' LIke yeah at the time I had no response because she said that in the active shooter situation where I was also hiding because I didn't want to get shot. But even once we evacuated to a gym I convinced a couple other girls in my class to go see if that a**hole was ok, because it seemed she was having a weird panic attack but I knew she didn't like me so I asked a couple other girls from my class to go check on her to make sure she was ok because thats how nice I am, LIke I didn't want to go up myself cause I figured if she didn't like me that would make it worse but she was leaning over sobbing and I felt bad even after she had said that f****d up thing to me and yeah so I asked a couple other classmates to go check on her. And then yeah after the funeral thing, she apologized for saying that to me, we did not become friends but I did accept her apology. But like even so even though I forgave her, that still hurts...
LIke sure I wasn't very happy about not having any friends, but I would have never wanted to like kill people I don't think. LIke yeah I just don't recall any thoughts like that, at worst I had every kids fantasy of, what if the school burns down and then we don't have to go to school 'yay' but yeah I never thought about like harming anyone.
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Eat the rich, feed the poor. No not literally idiot, cannibalism is gross.
Yesterday, 4:21 pm
