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It will be raining cows.

Why is the pizza so aggressive?

Because the pizza keeps getting mistaken for lasagna.

If cows eat grass, why is their milk white instead of green?

Because their stomachs naturally produce bleach.

Why was the cactus cursed to be prickly when all it ever wanted was to be hugged?

The cactus angered the gods by accidentally stabbing them with a needle, so they cursed it to be forever prickly.

Why do axolotls look so silly when they only want to be taken seriously?

Axolotls have a condition called "resting funny face syndrome", which is similar to "resting b!ch face syndrome", except the person's default expression is silly or funny-looking.

Why are photos of the Sasquatch and the Loch Ness Sea Monster always so blurry when so many photos of other animals in the wild look crystal clear?

They use obscure brands of deodorant. The odd smell startles the photographer enough they don't take a good photo.

What is the best way to decide what to watch on TV?

Throw 4 dice
Use the sum to select a letter of the alphabet.
(Bad luck Y and Z... You have been deemed too socially inept)
Using the TV guide scroll down to the first program starting with said letter.
Should none occur, go through the list again but compare the second letter.
Rinse and repeat.

If there is an insect burrowing through your brain, what species is it?

Dracunculus medinensis, a Guinea Worm



Who was Lucille Ball?

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Bowling's sister.

What is the surest way to live forever?

Consume lots and lots of fatty foods.

How was the spork invented?

Samuel W. Francis dropped a brick on a speculum.

Where do you expect to find the end of a rainbow?

OUCH!

Star Trek. Star Wars. Stargate. Why the heck do so many shows include "Star" in their title?!

Because one show is about stars going on a journey to the infinite, another show is about stars going to war against each other over petty differences, and the last show is about stars creating gates to keep out the shooting stars.

Would you rather go on a date with a sentient fungi or spend six weeks trapped in a basement full of screaming robots?

I'd take the screaming robots, but only if their screams were extremely high-pitched and amplified directly into my ears.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Five years in the future.

Who will be the most famous human then?

You will when you become the world's most successful overnight trillionaire.

What happened in Vegas that stays in Vegas?