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Stealing candy.

How does Autism affect my dental health?

It forces you to save money because Colgate's Great Regular Flavor is usually a relatively economic toothpaste

What if toothpaste were replaced by toothlotion?

People with large hands would be at a disadvantage because they'd have trouble getting their large hands into their mouths to massage the toothlotion in.

There are signs on our local roads saying to "YIELD TO PEDS". It seems like an odd request to me. And how am I supposed to know which people walking around are pedophiles?!

You just haven't noticed that there are signs facing the other direction which mandate that all pedophiles wear very tall hats so you can tell who they are. You have to yield to them because the hats are very unstable and would fall off if they stopped walking.

What would be the most useful way for me to spend this afternoon?

Skinny dipping in the city dump.

Why is it that whenever I order a sub sandwich with bacon on it, they NEVER put bacon on it?

That would break SANDVIX Single Sandwich Specification, which covers sub sandwiches. According to Accordion Law:

It depends on the ghost's job. Some jobs (for instance, in a grocery store) might require them to do a lot of weighing, while other jobs (for instance, math teacher) almost never requires them to weigh anything.

When it finally becomes time for Trump to take an official position on Autism, what will his position be?

The COVID vaccine he developed cures autism. Person, woman, man, camera, tv.

What is dementia?

It's commonly referred to as The Joker Disease.

What are the following instructions good for?
First you say "Yes."
Then you say "Noewh!"
Then you say "You do?"
Then you say "Doog on."

Talking to Trump, after he appoints you to a high-level position in the U.S. government.

Where can I buy an economical flying saucer that is good for travel within the Solar System?

Foster's Saucer Roster which is just a peanut's throw away from your local chemist.

What is the opposite of Space?

On my keyboard, the row of function keys.

Why does the ocean have waves?

So you can spot it in a crowd. Hi!

What's the next ocean going to be named?

Either the Oil Ocean or Acid Ocean though I prefer the Orange Ocean, yum.

The meat wars. Meat against bone. How did it start, when did it start, and who was the victor?

Meat existed before bone so the war started the instant bone appeared. Who won? The butcher.

How can I stretch days so I can get more into them?

With a taffy puller.

How can a combination of the worst aspects of Ragnarok, the book of Revelations, and Weekend At Bernie's bring about the end of days?