SAY SOMETHING FUNNY DAMMIT!! !

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I show my face and stand up to the modern world, and everybody runs away from me. More time for myself, to post here.

There's this guy named Willard, from way down south, never seen snow in his
life. He's got a friend up in Canada, and he decides to visit him one
winter. He gets there, and can't believe his eyes, at all the snow. His
friend suggests that he should try ice fishing, for something to do.

"Ice fishing? Well, why the heck not?"

So Willard gets his fishing rod, and a hatchet to chop a hole in the ice,
and he sets out to go ice fishing. He walks out onto the ice, finds a spot,
and starts chopping.

Next thing he knows he hears a big booming voice that says "THERE ARE NO
FISH THERE."

Willard looks up and around, can't see who's talking to him, but he figures
maybe there's no fish there, so he walks a little further onto the ice, and
starts chopping again.

Sure enough, he hears the voice again. "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE." Willard
looks up, tries to see who's talking to him, but it's like the voice is
booming down from the heavens. Well, he figures, he says no fish, so I'll
move on.

One more time, Willard finds a spot, and one more time he starts chopping.
As soon as his hatchet hits the ice, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

Willard jumps to his feet. "Who are you, God?"

"NO, YOU IDIOT, I'M THE ARENA MANAGER!"

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an
idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed
into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three
men found themselves standing before the pearly
gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were
standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact
that Heaven is now overcrowded, St Peter has
agreed to limit the number of people entering
Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question
which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're
worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll
come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the
most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings,"
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper
appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read
it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, you go to Hell!" the devil said. With
another snap of his finger, the philosopher
disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most
complicated formula you can ever think of!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper
appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician
read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, you go to Hell!" the devil told him. With
another snap of his finger, the mathematician
disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring
me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair.
"Now, drill 7 holes on the seat." The idiot told
him.
The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on
the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart
come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat closely and said,
"The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it came from my Butt
hole."
And the idiot went to Heaven.

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the
first officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty
minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, " I don't like Chinese. "
The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?
"The Captain says, " You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like
Chinese. "
The F.O. says, " Nooooo, noooo....... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah.
That Japanese, not Chinese.
And the Captain answers, " Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese.. it doesn't
matter, they're all same to me. "
Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, " No like Jew.
"
The Captain replies, " Why not? Why don't you like Jews? "
F.O. says, " Jews sink Titanic. "
The Captain tries to correct him, " No, no. The Jews didn't sink the
Titanic, it was an iceberg. "
The F.O. replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah.. all same to me".

This goat is going to Heaven, when she dies.

"The four "F's" of the amygdala are feeding, fleeing, fighting, and...mating."
-My awesome psychology professor

If Dr. Seuss had a gifted child...
by Mary Beth Northrup

Dear Mom-I-am, dear Mom-I-am, we have a problem, Mom-I-am.
Your son won't do what he must do. He drives me crazy, yes it's true!
He will stall and squirm and hum, and leave all of his work undone.
He dreams and will not pay attention, have you considered medication?

With other kids he does not play, he is alone much of the day.
Something does not seem quite right, because I know he must be bright.
He seems to learn, despite the rest, but the work is not his best.
He is disruptive, yes it's true. He just won't do what he must do!

Yes, teacher, I can really see, how frustrating all this must be,
A child who does not meet the norm, a child whose mold won't fit the form.
I've had him tested on WISC-III, by your approved test agency.
He scores far higher than the mean, there's more to this that can be seen.

So help us, help us find the way, to teach this child best if we may.
He is not like the rest you see, he acts and thinks far differently.
We need another way to teach him, another way to finally reach him.
Not the normal thing you do, but something altogether new!

What! Something new - go bar the door! We've not done it that way before!
If we do this thing for you, then all the rest will want it too!
Change our ways, that can't be done. Same for all, not changed for some.
All children are gifted, yes it's true! Just MAKE him do what he must do!

Please, please, teacher, hear me through. The laws say you must help us, too.
His needs are different than the rest, we CAN help him to do his best.
We can make this easy too, it will not be more work for you.
This can work out, you will see. Try it, try it, please, for me?

All right, all right, if I must. I still maintain this is not just.
But first there is red tape you see, tests and checks and IEP.
And after weeks and months of proving, finally we can begin moving.
Then I'll try it and we'll see, if this method is the key.

Hey, I see something, yes I do! We have found something he will do!
No more fiddle, squirm and hum, no more worksheets left undone.
He's zipping through, he's learning fast, he's doing his best work at last.
Why did I put up a fight? I guess dear Mom, that you were right.

Easterbrook

They say lather is the best form medicine so I went to the circus instead of the hospital & when I coughed; the lien-tamer got his head bit off. I'm still sick but I feel great from lathing

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
* 12% Monday
* 23% Tuesday
* 40% Wednesday
* 20% Thursday
* 5% Friday

Cockgoblin

The French army.