Intellectual jokes

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This one is so lame it's gotta be true!

IS THERE A SANTA?

In the Late 1800s a little girl named Virginia asked the New York Times if there was a Santa Clause. The reply is now famous. Someone thought it would be fun to ask the scientists at NASA the same question.

Here is their reply:

No known species of reindeer can fly. But there ARE 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has seen.

There are two billion children (under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist and Jewish children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 138 million or so. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child in each.


Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to time zones and the rotation of the earth,assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining gifts under the tree, eat snacks, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh, and move to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8
million houses are distributed evenly (which we know to be false but for the sake of these calculations we will accept) we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops. This means that Santa's sleigh is traveling at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound.

For comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 MPS.

The average reindeer runs at 15MPH.

The sleigh's payload adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 TONS not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see first paragraph) could pull TEN TIMES the usual amount, we cannot do the job with 8 or even 9. We need 214,000 reindeer. This increases the weight, not even counting the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison this is 4 times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates an enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst in flame almost instantaneously, exposing the next pair of reindeer, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times the force of gravity. A 300 pound Santa would be pinned to the back ofhis sleigh by 4,325,015 pounds of force.

CONCLUSION: There was a Santa, but he's dead now.

http://www.geocities.com/iiirosemadderi ... _waltz.jpg

EDIT: It stretched the page, but it's worth looking at. I've been told I should warn people before I show them this that you are likely to laugh.

I have nothing to say but that I have nothing to say and I can see no point in telling you that there is no point in telling you this (clever but a joke?)

When I was younger I had a six pack like Arnie Schwartzeneggar and drunk beer from a barrel, now I'm in my fifties I look like Homer Simpson, drink six packs and a have a beer barrel for a stomach.

If you're a turkey at Christmas, you're plucked

What does a cannibal feed his dog? Pedigree Chum (If you're not British, this may make no sense to you and if I have to explain it to you then it isn't funny)

Is it snowing outside Himmler? No mein fuhrer, it's hail Hitler!

Don't play poker with a pair of big cats - one will always be lion and the other's bound to be a cheetah

"Why are you shooting at my feet marshall?"
"I like to see scum dancing"

"Well Cilla, I hope you liked ourtruckfest?"
"Fantastic - I can't remember when I've seen such a lora, lora, lorries"

I love Groundhog Day - I could watch it again, and again, and.....

I fought two world wars for you - and lost them both

Do retired Gynaecologists like to keep their hand in?

NAME JOKES (FOR T-SHIRTS)

Just because my names Matt, doesn't mean you can walk all over me

Just because my names Stew, doesn't mean you can bite my dumplings

Just because my names Eve, doesn"t mean I was born yesterday

Just because my names David, doesn't mean I've got Goliath down my trousers

etc.

FILMS THAT NEVER GOT MADE

'I Spit on your Gravy!' - A sordid tale of a chefs revenge

'Dead on a Rival' - Husband catches wifes lover but collapses and dies in his arms from heart attack

'Dracula, Prints of Darkness' - More holiday snaps ruined by cheap developers

'A Womb with a View' - A gynaecologist on holiday

'What's Doug got to do with it?' - Fight between Ike and Tina Turner

'Planet of the Grapes' - Follow up to 'Attack of the Tomato Men'

'And then there was some' - Cowardly remake of Agatha Christie film by a squeamish director

'Hey little girl, do you want to see my Willy?'
'Yes please!'
'Willy!'
'What dad?'
'There's a little girl to see you'

30 Years difference

1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair

1974: The perfect high
2004: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1974: KEG
2004: EKG

1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux

1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm

1974: Growing pot
2004: Growing pot belly

1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage

1974: Killer weed
2004: Weed killer

1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM

1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian

1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2 004: Receiving a new hip joint

1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones


1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office

1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system

1974: Disco
2004: Costco

1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test

1974: Whatever
2004: Depends

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not," and he disappears.

If someone drank out of a cup mute, wouldn't it actually make them sick? (just a funny imaginative joke that is).

I often try to find prases that I think make good jokes when viewed as oxymorons (im sure you all know what those are). These are some of what I have come up with so far:

upside down (just as example)

southern gentleman

good lawyer

government organization

happy marriage

CIA intelligence

Ford tough

smart people

rap music

Microsoft Works

Try and see if you can figure out anymore.

Here's one.

Travelling Stationaries.

Some more oxymorons:

Great Failure
Unknown Definition
Giant Mouse
Common Differences
Typical Teenager
Senseless Logician

this isn't an intelectual joke but some of the others don't count either so...

A man is driving through a crwded parking lot. he can't find a place to park anywhere. he says 'god, if you can help me find a parking spot i'll go to church every sunday and give up my whiskey and gambling'. A spot suddenly appeared and the man said ' nevermind god i found one.'

A pirate walks into the bar. The bartender notices he has a steering wheel sticking out of his butt. "Say, uh, you know you have a steering wheel stinking out of you butt, right?" The pirate looks back and says, "Arrgh, it's been driving me nuts all morning."