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I am becoming increasingly concerned that I will forever be friendless and therefore rely solely on my parents for emotional support until they die. The only 'friends' I have ever had were those whom exploited my naivety by treating me like a proverbial piggy bank or as if I were a dimwitted clown.

I have no idea what I am doing anymore.

Getting home safely because there will be record heat in Portland for today and tommorow.

Yes, in many ways I'm part of the city in which I live in but, in many I'm not a part of it literally.

Generally trying to figure out what's up with me..... not sure if I have severe enough symptoms to be autistic or if it's just severe introversion and geekiness.
It's probably silly to be so concerned with this as I can only try to be diagnosed with anything after I finish school in a few years. Ah well.

On a brighter note, I've been researching quantum physics recently after looking up Schrodinger's Cat and it's really cool!

Why do people always want to talk to me?

^I often wonder that too, especially when I'm at school.

Do they seek you out when you've just found a nice, isolated corner somewhere?

They must find you friendly, perhaps? ^

right now im trying to work out a few things

what does "get lost" mean, do they want me to go somewhere unfamiliar or do they mean to leave?

why do people say stuff like "oh god it feels like i just got hit by a truck" even though they haven't been hit by a truck nor have they experienced that before? they do it with so many other things that you would die from if you experienced that.


what is the difference between insults and "friendly banter"?

how do people "sense" weakness, like i get bullied for being different, especially by two people who tell me to kill myself or at least become ill when i haven't done anything to them. it doesn't make any sense, what tips them off?

so many things to think about.....maybe someone can help...or should i create a thread?

Once a woman gets pregnant, it's not about herself anymore. It's about the child that she's bringing into the world. Which part of that philosophy did my mum not understand? She went after me about my special interests in my early-mid childhood and she's taken pleasure in doing that again. I'm glad I'm taking a break from my family until the Father's Day.

Thinking to make a big tour with my all family members.

my dreams refuse but to remind me of all the pain/what i escape/avoid thinking aboutin reality

my dreams are the same. same pain events different situations

Sometimes I wish could just tell some aspies to make things easier for themselves, NOT make others do it and complain.

Sometimes I wish could just tell them to shut up about their anxieties, and start finding their own pace instead of pressuring themselves blindly or making others pressure them.

Sometimes I wish could just tell them to learn themselves a bit, and explore instead of blindly coping at everything. Why make big efforts on external change when you never change in the inside?


But then they're not me, nor I ever lived where they are. It was not easy task to reduce unnececary needs. Internal change is never easy nor fixed like those manuals and handouts for blending.

Sorry, I got a bit impatient again. Just all of ignore this.

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i don't know what i mentally suffer from. where i live there is no such thing as " professionally diagnosed "