I am not the biggest fan of my partner's best friend

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Hi everyone, I'm new here so bear with me!

I've been with my partner for almost four years and in terms of our intrinsic relationship we are blissfully happy and plan to wed. However there is an extarnal issue that is really bothering me and at times I really do think I could take off just to get away from it.

Three years ago I met J's best friend for the first time and I had an immediate aversion to him - he was a cold, snobbish, elitist, abrupt, pretentious, humourless bore. I didn't think , and I still don't think (probably 90% due to my paranoia) that he liked me much either, given my unrefined accent and my crass humour.

But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided to give him a chance, keeping my first impressions to myself so as not to hurt J. A year and several meetings later my opinion of him had only gone downhill. He was so critical of everyone and everything, and couldn't dole out compliments even about an expensive trip to the theatre or a Michelin star meal. He always had to appear rational and find something to critique, and I'm quite gushy when I like something so this really got up my nose. He was also *incredibly* rude to his girlfriend in front of *everyone*. Not outright insulting, but contradicting her in a superior tone of voice. if J did that to me he'd see skin and hair flying!

As time went on I got more and more annoyed, as I tend to dwell on things that shouldn't bother me...I started turning to my friends. If "turning" is what you'd call it, because most people would get over this without needing to rant to their friends, but being an over-sensitive person who gets more het up about people she doesn't like than people she does like, I sent plenty of whiney e-mails to my friends.

Unfortunately J came across them by mistake. I poured my heart out to him (yes I realise that there are people suffering far worse problems than not liking their partner's friends so apologies if I sound spolit) and J persuaded me that his best friend was not a bad guy, and that he wasn't entirely unlike him. I was comforted and endeavoured to stop complaining and make the effort again.

That was two years ago, and I thought it was going to be fine so long as I only had to see the guy once every couple of months when he came to visit us in Toronto. Unfortunately (for me, gaaaah I'm sorry I'm so egotistical, as it is fortunate for J) the guy moved to Toronto three months ago and now we see more of him than ever. His diatribes about the working class (thought we didn't have one), non-classical music, people who don't read certain books etc are annoying me more than ever. I have become very short with J for no apparent reason and I could tell him what's wrong, but that would be a repeat of what I've told him before and he, credit to him, doesn't put up with me having long-term issues like this.

They are going on a fishing trip next month and this will be the most time they have ever spent together without a break. I'm really hoping they will fall out but I can't count on that. I know I need to deal with this myself but how? I can't bring it up with J again as he will, rightfully, be disappointed.

Rephrase the problem. The problem isn't ultimately the friend's behavior - you can't control it, or your prospective husband's friendships - but how you feel around this person. But you also don't have to be a party to those activities. Explain that it just makes you uncomfortable, and while you respect and want him to maintain his friendship, that after these years that you and the friend just aren't real compatible people. Avoid blame, focus on issue resolution.


M.

What I'm getting from your post, as this sentence exemplifies, is:
1. You can only tell J what's wrong once, ever.
2. If J doesn't think it should be a problem, not only does he not help you solve it, he never wants to hear about it again.
3. If you aren't perfect and problem-free, you'll disappoint J.

Wow. You're only human, you know. You have feelings and some of them are difficult to cope with. You keep calling yourself egotistical, but I'm not seeing that. I'm seeing a woman who is forcing herself to swallow her concerns and feelings for someone else's sake, submitting utterly to her partner's vision of how she should be. J has put you on a pillar where you are meant to be a statue of the perfect partner. I think before you marry him, you need to evaluate whether you want to -- or can -- spend your life up there! No one is perfect and if you are trying to be someone J wants instead of someone you are, someday you are likely to explode, so to speak. (And what happened if you can't spend your life on that pillar? What happens if you slip?)

You have EVERY RIGHT to dislike J's friend, and J does not have the right to be disappointed in you, especially after all the effort you have made with this guy. Now, if you whined all the time about how you don't like him, or made a serious effort to keep J from seeing his friend, then J would have something to complain about. As it is, you're martyring yourself for his happiness, which is not the least bit healthy. I think J is unlikely to have a falling out with this guy -- if he's all you say, J either doesn't see it and never will, or sees it and is so used to it he doesn't notice (or doesn't care) -- but that does not mean J has the right to inflict him on you.

As M. said, you need to focus on issue resolution. What would make this work for you? If my husband insisted on hanging around someone that awful, I'd let him -- but I'd tell him not to expect me to hang around with this person, and that I didn't want to hear about what he did when with that person. (Fortunately, I only know one guy like that and my husband doesn't like him, either.) J needs to remember that you are a human being with feelings, and respect yours as much as you respect his!

I think that you might want to sit down, and write or type out the pros and cons, and than decide what you think would be the best, in your situation.

Thanks everyone for your help. It's true that J does have high expectations of me, but I also have high expectations of him. I really want him to get along with my friends and in fact he doesn't get on with them all. In fact coming to think of it he doesn't feel uncomfortable criticising some of my friends, but he has good reasons to and normally does it on the back of some disagreement I've had with them. So more to support me really.

However in the case of his best friend, the guy hasn't done anything "wrong" as such, I just don't agree with his opinions...and I feel if I brought it up with J again he'd accuse me of being an inverted snob (which I totally am!). I really do believe that my dislike of this guy is irrational and based on a first impression. I think the guy is judgemental towards other people who aren't up to his intellectual standards, but I have been just as judgemental of him myself.

A lot of people have expressed their concerns about me not being able to tell J my problems, as every time I do he accuses me of self-pity, which is 100% true. I get annoyed for being unable to make friends easily, being Aspie, and while most other people just deal with it and be grateful for the friends they do have, I just end up wallowing in it.

In short I care more about the people that I don't like than the people I do like, and I let it rule mylife. I wonder if I need some sort of professional help?